Wednesday, March 19, 2008


"The question is not what you look at, but what you see."
Henry David Thoreau

I've been guilty with a capital G of looking at the dark side of things lately. No more. Done. Dark side? TFBS!

So, I made me a little list of people and things I knew would help pull me out of myself and back into the light. One by one I contacted all the people and made appointments with them professionally or personally, as the case may be.

Each person I contacted responded immediately and enthusiastically, and soon a week I'd been dreading was filled with things I couldn't wait to experience.

There was still one item on the list I hadn't checked off, though, "Walk a labyrinth." I just put it on the list and out to the Universe. Within 12 hours of me putting it "out there" I got an e-mail from someone I've met once. Once. She wrote, "We are going to have a labyrinth set up next week at my church, and I just thought it might be something you'd enjoy experiencing!"





Last night I "held space," that's her term, with an "old" friend. Technically? I've known her a little over a year. Realistically? Lifetime after lifetime. She sees me. I see her. Oh, the utter intoxication of being truly seen. There is nothing I could do or say that would shock her, nothing that would raise a judgment response. Nothing. She just sees me and "holds space" and I am profoundly affected. Immediately.

She was #1 on my "Need to See" list and that was no accident. I needed to "see" her to be seen. It can be a lonely existence when you simultaneously live in a glass house, under a microscope, with your every move noted and scrutinized, where you cannot go to the grocery store or post office without running into 5 people you know, but are not seen.

But that's not fair. Just because I "know" she sees me, how, and where do I get off saying that nobody else does? Perhaps they do see me. Clearly. Perfectly. I just do not care for what is reflected back at me? Parts of myself I would prefer not to see?

If only I could look and listen to myself with utter lack of judgment, as my friend is so skilled at doing. Perhaps I would better like what I see.


deb said...

We are far kinder to others than we are to ourselves. Your friend sounds like a lovely woman.

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.”Og Mandino

The dark isn't always bad.

And I loved the song in your last post, amazing.

Anonymous said...

Carrie, for me you reflect depth, authenticity and beauty. Maybe sitting with Kuan Yin will give you some compassion for yourself. Sending love, Nancy

Kim said...

Utterly amazing. This is one of my absolute favorite posts you have ever written. I will be reading it many times. Every. Word.

And, ditto deb and Nancy!

La La said...

Kinda. like. that.

Yes. You go, girlfriend. Glad to hear that you filled your week with people you can't wait to see.

Sending you love.

holly said...

Beuatiful posts, carrie. I'm taking a cue from you@

Jess said...

Your friend is very good at that, does see a lot. You/we are very lucky.

But you see a lot too, your own kind of seeing... Uniting.

Darkness can be an important part of the journey. You'll get through it all.


riversgrace said...

That's what it's all about...finding ourselves, finding our people, finding the path...and staying on it. We are blessed.

Deb said...

I love how you call to yourself exactly what you need when you need it. You are wise beyond your own shadows and in the depths of them. You are wise.

Eileen said...

Brillant. Good job taking care of you and dealing with those dark feelings. Surround yourself with people with positive engergies, people who "see you" without effort, people who show you true compassion and beauty in life and staying on the path you worked so very hard to get to. You are one amazing lady.
Love you.

Anonymous said...

I don't get it. you are more connected than most people and you can't seem to handle it and at the same time you are always searching for the next thing to help you feel better or more connected to yourself and other people. You have all the gifts you need to be happy but you keep searching for the final piece. I don't get it. LET IT BE.

Jerri said...

Love. This. Post.

Love you.

And although there are many kinder ways to put it, there is a thread of truth in this Anonymous comment. You ARE more connected than most and you DO have all you need.

I'm in Minneapolis visiting Katie right now, and had breakfast with my friend Bryan yesterday. He seems so serene, so happy. His answer to "why" and "how" was so simple. "Surrender."

I'm going to try it. Surrender to the crap. Surrender to the happiness. Surrender to the imperfect, messy beauty of life.

Perhaps there's some wisdom there for you, too. Only you can say.

kario said...

So glad you're asking the Universe for what you really want. And I'm even happier that it is paying attention to you.

Love, love, love.

riversgrace said...

Someone seems to misunderstand the joy of exploration with 'lacking' discontentment. In truth, the depth of the journey is infinite.

Curiosity and passion for growth, courage to face what arises along the way, is a wonderful way to proceed.

My two cents.

Mary Ann (Moanna) said...

I love this posting. Reaching out is what life is all about, I'm thinking. I need to make a series of appointments, as you did. I really do. So, you just did it? Made the list and called and went? See, I think, ponder, worry, fret. Hmmm, I do see a pattern there. :)