Carrie Link

BEING OTHER-ABSORBED

Being self-absorbed is bad, right? We hate those people, right? It's good to be completely selfless. We must give freely of ourselves. We must be concerned for others. We must always do for others, as we would have them do for us.

If only they would actually DO for us.

Sometimes that happens.

When you are in a healthy relationship that happens. You do, they do, fair and square.

I've had a couple of those. They are really great. Those are the relationships in my life I'd categorize as "easy." But most I would consider high maintenance. Exhausting. Frustrating. Confusing. Constant. Depleting. Tiring. High highs and low lows.

So what is it about ME that keeps finding these people? Are there really so damn many out there that I can't help but keep running into them?

A friend and I were talking Friday, and she mentioned a book she'd picked up and found helpful. As she continued to describe it, I continued to know I needed to read it. ASAP. She dropped it off later that day and despite all the "games" I endured yesterday, I'm almost done. It answers so many things for me, and upsettingly, raises so many more questions.

What I love about this book is it is KIND to we co-dependent types! It's written by therapist that works a lot with co-dependents, and particularly as they deal with narcissists, borderlines and adults with ADHD. Check, check, check. That would be me, me, me.

And now I know why. I know why I know a disproportionate number of these people. I was groomed for the job. Beautifully groomed. Honor student. And until I finally "got" this, I was doomed to keep drawing these people to me with my A+ ability to feed their never sated appetite for attention, praise, accolades and empathy. NEVER. ENDING.

Listen to this...

"The more narcissistic, self-absorbed, or 'me focused' an individual is, the more she is caught in the perpetual striving to feel important, valued, stable and secure. The codependent individual, who is 'other focused,' is stuck striving for a sense of self by gaining and maintaining the acceptance and approval of others (primarily through their ability to give - especially empathy). The narcissistic individual typically externalizes her flaws onto others and defends against the self-reflection that would require developing empathy for others. Similarly, the codependent is the person who internalizes the flaws of others onto herself and defends against recognizing her need to develop her strengths through self-assertion and self-care."

Yea. A little like that.

And here's the clincher. Our tremendous outpouring of love for them will not change them. They are unlikely to EVER change. But we will die trying!

Unless we abandon the cause.

I like to fight a fight worth fighting. I'm going for world peace. I think I have a good shot at it.