Thursday, January 24, 2008

I'm down today. No longer sad-ish, full on down. Can't get myself to do anything I need to do, or think I need to do, and can't seem to even find something amusing to piss the day away.

So I thought I'd take a little walk to the "Little Store" in our neighborhood. It just re-opened yesterday, after being closed for three months for renovations. There are new owners, neighbors, and from all accounts they are wonderful. They've made the changes we all hoped to someday see. Now they take credit/debit cards. They put in an espresso bar with stools and a few little tables. They have yummy treats and ambiance.

It depressed the hell out of me.

I miss Gary and Carol. I miss the "wrong ness" of the The Old Little Store. I miss the old-fashioned way they did everything, the sloping floor, the way they didn't even have air-conditioning until the last couple of years. I miss the over-crowding. I miss the way everyone knew the traffic pattern and the proper way to line up to pay. You could always tell a newbie by where they stood in line, oblivious that it wound back around by dairy and through the fruit juice and pickles. Duh, they thought you could just stand in front of the check stand!

We tried to get in yesterday to check it out on opening day, but it was packed. From those that came out we heard they'd been in there an hour just waiting to pay. That is not our scene.

I'm really glad the new owners and the New Little Store are being warmly greeted and everyone is bringing their business back. I'm sure the feelings were bittersweet for many.

Change is hard, but good. I get that. But can you both grieve and celebrate? Can you get those two things to hold hands? Can you miss the old and welcome the new? Can you know that you are in a better place, while missing the place you've left behind?

Obviously I've got more stuck in my craw than the business down the street. While seeking to improve, changes are necessary. The more some things change, however, the more they stay the same. I'm trying to get my head around all that. Sometimes, some days, I look at my life and marvel at how far I've come. Other times, other days, I feel I've only moved backwards. Maybe I'm in "retrograde" like the planets sometimes are, where their usual pattern is reversed, and everything is just "off."

Apparently Mars is coming out of retrograde on 1/30. Maybe I will too.

Here's to Mars.

Here's to me.


Michelle O'Neil said...

Man Carrie, if the espresso bar isn't cheering you up you ARE in a bad way.

I'm sorry you miss your friends.

jillbob said...

I always seem to associate big changes with grief. What could have been, what I should have appreciated or what I should have dealt with sooner.

You'd think at 40 you would become more accustomed to the ups and downs! Let yourself off the hook.

Hope the fog lifts soon.

Kathryn said...

It's a funk, and a funk is a funk. Let it pass. Sometimes you cannot articulate your feelings.

I do believe that retrograde periods are rough; we do feel like we are going backwards.

I'd tell you about my retrograde period of the last few weeks, but already I feel it beginning to lift just enough to get out of my own funk.

Hang in there. Have some chicken soup.

Kim said...

Oh CP, these feelings are so tough and all-too-real, but they do not change how much incredible growth, insight, true inspiration, and love. you have achieved this past year--not to mention how much of those things you have shared with countless others.

For what it's worth, I am totally funkified with you today. Here's to Jan. 30th! It can't come soon enough.

And I am also sorry about Gary and Carol and the Old Little Store. I can imagine how tough it must be so say goodbye to that wonderful era.

La La said...

Be gentle with yourself. You wrote a post, for cryin' out loud. I can't even do that when I'm in a funk!

Sorry about the loss and the change and the feeling that you feel like you are in retrograde.

Take a nap. Pet a cat or a dog. Stand outside in the rain and let it wash over you.

Visit the Daily Coyote blog. It ALWAYS cheers me up.

Take this quiz:


holly said...

Ditto, Kim. On all of it.

I'm feeling the funkedy funk, too.

This too shall pass. Until then, try to let the espresso bar cheer you up anyway.

Kapuananiokalaniakea said...

OMG!!! It's ALL my fault, isn't it? Your funk, the crowds, the new "old" store... 'Cuz, you were talking about me here, right?!
Love you. Period!

Cheryl said...

Carrie, sometimes we have to ride the funk out, and see what it is trying to tell us. There is always a lesson to be learned, something going on, that our body is trying to tell us. The good thing about feelings is that they do change, and this feeling will pass. Soon I hope. Take la la's really good advice. Be gentle with yourself, do things you enjoy, get some laughs in and kick some ass.

lo said...

You are having a human retro moment. you know, the old comes back....we regress but only momentarily. In a positive light this could be seen as a form of therapy or working thru something that was put away before it was finished and the lid is on but what is inside is pushing, almost bursting and when it can take no more, it pops open (okay, sometimes explodes)and everything comes back out for a second look or processing...
In the end, it is part of being human...I call it a human moment...It's okay to be overwhelmed or sad or to dwell. Remember the 15 minute rule. That can be used here too. Visit the emotion or thought or regret and sometimes the 15 minutes will be enough or too much and sometimes we need a day or a week.
Renewal and Refresh is around the corner Carrie:):)xoLo

Jerri said...

Yes, you *can* grieve and celebrate at the same time.

The wonderful, insane, mystical counselor I saw in Minneapolis used to talk about pairs of seemingly opposite emotions or conditions. She'd point out that they existed in equal measures, no matter how far apart they seemed. She used to tell me I needed to learn to "hold both poles."

I'm guessing you might have a few suggestions about what could be done with those poles, and they might not include simple "holding."

But hold on, Carrie. The new will wear off the Little Store. The planets will shift. And you will find your balance again.

Meantime...what LaLa said.

riversgrace said...

Toasting to the funk -- seems to be going around.

Really, though, it's just good to be truthful about your experience and be with it so that when it does shift, you're right there, too.

And, have to say, you do such an amazing job navigating all the big changes, it seems really healthy to be down....the impact is great from change.

deb said...

Can you both grieve and celebrate?

You bet.

Go Mama said...

Here's to you Carrie. Hang in there...backwards, forwards, any direction.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you ask if one can grieve and celebrate at the same time. Absolutely. That's what change is, and when fully present to it, what makes it so difficult.

Be gentle with yourself. Salt baths and bubbles?

Jenny said...

Doesn't change drive you crazy's like, slow down already, I don't need so much of you all the time!

shauna said...

Your posts are always great--even when they're a little down. Hope you start feeling better soon!

kario said...

Sending love and light until I can get there and give it in person, my dear.

So sorry you're struggling right now - please be gentle with yourself and feel what you're feeling. If I know anything about you, you'll get to the bottom of it and tackle it with the same joie de vivre you do everything else.


Deb said...

You know that old saw, it's always darkest before the dawn? It's been my experience that just when I think I can't hang on another minute, the sun breaks through somewhere. I'm holding you in my warm heart and waiting with you for light and more warmth.

gotsharpies? said...

Not being able to "snap out of it" on such a level, tells me it's time to "stay in it" for a bit. And remind myself, "this, too, shall pass".

oh, and that little store, I used to go with my friend to get fresh sliced balogna from there. Today's kids probably wouldn't appreciate that.