Tuesday, January 08, 2008


Needed to change the energy of my writing space. It was good, but I was going for great. Too many shelves with too much junk were harshing my mellow. Took 1/2 away. Needed things that bloomed, grew, babbled and glowed. A quick trip to Freddie's and I was set. A $23.99 fountain, two peace lily plants, a bag of tea lights and I found an old kata (greeting scarf) in my drawer.

Chose the lilies for one reason and one reason only, they were $19.99. Came home and noticed the pretty blooms. Did a quick Google and learned they are the #1 office plant because they do an extraordinary job of purifying the air. No accidents. And the blooms are really pretty.
So now I'm all set, right? No more excuses? Everything is pretty and conducive to writing? Rojo isn't even home tonight, I've got extra time.

And it's the last thing on God's green earth I want to do. Write. Usually all I want to do. But today isn't usual. I don't know if it's the extremely rainy weather, or looking through those old yearbooks that did it. But one thing is for sure. I'm not inspired. I'm, in fact, uninspired. I don't feel like reading. I don't feel like watching TV. I don't feel like doing anything.

Tomorrow I am having a mom come over for coffee. Her life is where mine was several years ago. She has no time for herself. Not one minute. She is with her young kids or researching what the hell to do with her kids around the clock. She goes from crisis to crisis to crisis, no time to fall apart, one foot in front of the other, full survival mode.

I was in that mode for years. Years. About ten, actually. Now I'm not. And when I have more than a little extra time my mind goes back to those days and the pain hits me straight between the eyes. I'm glad to be out of sheer survival mode, don't get me wrong, but when you're finally out, that's the time to do all the reflecting, re-evaluating, processing you didn't have time to do for all those years. And it's not all that pretty.

So now my writing space is pretty but the process I'm going through is not. One out of two ain't bad.


jillbob said...

Identify completely. Got SO much done when things were at their worst. Now that it's eased up this "stupor". What IS that?

La La said...

"I'm, in fact, uninspired. I don't feel like reading. I don't feel like watching TV. I don't feel like doing anything."

I CAN SO RELATE TO THIS STATEMENT! When I don't even feel like watching TV, I know that I'm really depressed, and lately I've not wanted to watch it at all. I was looking forward to Desperate Housewives on Sunday (yes, I watch it), and then I was too tired and feeling all poo pooey that I was bored with it. I don't even remember what happened.

I also have a few good blog posts in me, but I can't get myself to write them down!

As for survival mode, I heard a guy on the radio a while back who said that there are three levels of existence: 1) survival, 2) success, 3) significance.

I've spent too many years in survival type living. Ahhhhh!

Be gentle with yourself. love to you.

Nancy said...

I, too, have moved out of survival mode and recently, my line of work has taken a huge hit and as an independent contractor, I have been essentially unemployed. I have all the time in the world these days to write and yet... I put a bazillion nonessential things in the way.

I don't mean to intrude on your owning the story here, but you have described that feeling to perfection and I found myself recently in a "I don't want to write, I don't want to read, I don't want to watch a move" thing. But I do not know how to do nothing at all either. It's like being hungry but not able to find food that satisfies.

Let me know if you figure a way to shake it.

Seeker said...

I am in that crazy time right now! Single mom, full time writer for a company, trying to squeeze something (or several somethings) into every second. Before that, at home mom and homescholer to three kids. Now I get a chance to breathe a bit when my kids go visit their dad in PA. -- without that I don't know how I could survive. No really complaining, though...my life is blessed.

And as for how I found you, I had a full weekend of meditation and prayer work, and all was well until a last meditation under the guidance of an inexperienced leader. The images turned scary, and when I google for info, your blog was mentioned. I clicked over, read several entries and liked it! I will be back again! :-) Thanks for visiting mine, too!

MY OWN WOMAN... said...

I remember the "survival days" when my car was the supper table and the locker room complete with gym bag and multiple empty bags from Burger King and McDonalds as I transported my children (and often other people's children) to sporting events while working a full time job.

I remember one time telling my husband, "I take care of everyone and nobody takes care of me." Which, of course was not an accurate statement but what I felt at the time.

Now the children are grown and I find myself missing those "survival days" but am also glad that I have more time to take care of me.

As for the writing situation, sometimes I have so much going on inside my brain that I can't put down even one thought because they all become jumbled.

I enjoy your blog and your insights. Even today's post was great and came from deep within. That's all you can ask for from writing isn't it? ....when it comes from within?

Kapuananiokalaniakea said...

I'm trying to de-clutter my space. You've inspired me. I think I'll have to buy me some lillies.
It's nice that you've made time for a mom in survival mode -- but, of course, you would -- she needs the break.
Thank you for sharing your uninspired-ness. It's ironic that even though you didn't want to write, you did, and it has proven to be so helpful.

Jerri said...

Even uninspired, you are inspiring.

Love to you. And more love.

Seeker said...

Sorry for all the typos in my comment...trying to work, take a call from a client and comment on your bog at the same time! I need more mindfullness! Focus, focus, focus!

Go Mama said...

No accident your mom friend is coming over. What a gift she has given you. Write that. Go into the full-on crisis survival mode and write your way out, so you show others how you did it. Show us how to get out.

Of course, sometimes we are chewing and are not quite ready to spit it out onto the page.

Go easy with yourself.


Enjoy the lilies...

Remember, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.


Michelle O'Neil said...

Only a true writer would write so well about not wanting to write.

Beautiful Blossom said...

What you need is a drink. Try drinking vinegar. It is a total cleanser/refresher. Trust me there are many amazing vinegars to choose from but I would limit myself to Fred Myer for them.

holly said...

Love how you didn't write here.

Very well done. Right now I'm dealing with my desire to not write by actually not writing.

Not working out so well for me.