Carrie Link

LOVE, PEACE and APOLOGIES

I had an interesting morning. There are a group of us that get together once a month in support of each other as we raise children with special needs. Today we met at my house, and one mom arrived early to extend an apology to me. This woman didn't owe me an apology, not in my mind anyway, I had honestly not given "it" a thought, but in her mind she did. Then another mother stayed after everyone left to do the same thing! Again, I hadn't even felt the smallest of twinges towards either of these women. Zero, but they felt the need to apologize.

I went upstairs for my e-mail hit after they all left, and there was a third apology in my inbox. This from a person I felt did owe me an apology, but whom I had long given up any hope or expectation that that would ever happen. But it did.

What I find so interesting is what we hold on to and what we let go of. Why do we wear the horse hair vests for some things and not for others? Our internal process of what we continue to feel guilty about and what we don't, and what we easily forgive, and what we don't, all that fascinates me.

My own process is faulty with a capital F! I'm still PISSED that when I had a substitute teacher in 2nd grade she gave every kid an STP Auto Racing sticker EXCEPT ME! PISSED! But there are things people have said and done "to me" that I've totally forgotten about, until I'm with a group of friends and someone says, "Remember when...." and then I dimly do.

Another mother at our gathering today commented on my blog "A Still Life," and how that piece touched her. I told her that what never ceases to amaze me are the insights I gain from my own writing. Like I said, I'm an extrovert, I integrate by writing/sharing information with others. When writing that piece just a couple days ago, I realized something SO obvious. No wonder I don't like sitting down at a dining room table with others, especially in my home, I have nothing but GOD AWFUL MEMORIES of this! In the house we live in right now we/I turned the whole dining room into a family room! Our table is now in the foyer of our house, it's the first thing you see when you walk in the front door. It's a lovely table and flowers look gorgeous on it. I do not like the chairs to be drawn up, though, I much prefer them up against the walls. And we don't dine there except on very special occasions. Period. I've effectively removed all possibilities of being held hostage at our table. And I didn't even realize I'd done it. Wow.

So, readers both known and unknown to me, please forgive me. I apologize for anything I've ever said or done that hurt your feelings. I apologize for ever making you feel less than the wonderful, soulful, doing the best damn job you can people that you are. I apologize for times I've said more than I should and for those times I should have spoken up and didn't. I apologize for not seeing what's right in front of me, but instead have dwelled on what is unimportant. I apologize for those times I've been holier than thou and for those times I've not well-honored your holiness.





*Photo from the University of Oregon - no accidents, in Eugene, Oregon, where I grew up.