Friday, April 11, 2008


I had an interesting morning. There are a group of us that get together once a month in support of each other as we raise children with special needs. Today we met at my house, and one mom arrived early to extend an apology to me. This woman didn't owe me an apology, not in my mind anyway, I had honestly not given "it" a thought, but in her mind she did. Then another mother stayed after everyone left to do the same thing! Again, I hadn't even felt the smallest of twinges towards either of these women. Zero, but they felt the need to apologize.

I went upstairs for my e-mail hit after they all left, and there was a third apology in my inbox. This from a person I felt did owe me an apology, but whom I had long given up any hope or expectation that that would ever happen. But it did.

What I find so interesting is what we hold on to and what we let go of. Why do we wear the horse hair vests for some things and not for others? Our internal process of what we continue to feel guilty about and what we don't, and what we easily forgive, and what we don't, all that fascinates me.

My own process is faulty with a capital F! I'm still PISSED that when I had a substitute teacher in 2nd grade she gave every kid an STP Auto Racing sticker EXCEPT ME! PISSED! But there are things people have said and done "to me" that I've totally forgotten about, until I'm with a group of friends and someone says, "Remember when...." and then I dimly do.

Another mother at our gathering today commented on my blog "A Still Life," and how that piece touched her. I told her that what never ceases to amaze me are the insights I gain from my own writing. Like I said, I'm an extrovert, I integrate by writing/sharing information with others. When writing that piece just a couple days ago, I realized something SO obvious. No wonder I don't like sitting down at a dining room table with others, especially in my home, I have nothing but GOD AWFUL MEMORIES of this! In the house we live in right now we/I turned the whole dining room into a family room! Our table is now in the foyer of our house, it's the first thing you see when you walk in the front door. It's a lovely table and flowers look gorgeous on it. I do not like the chairs to be drawn up, though, I much prefer them up against the walls. And we don't dine there except on very special occasions. Period. I've effectively removed all possibilities of being held hostage at our table. And I didn't even realize I'd done it. Wow.

So, readers both known and unknown to me, please forgive me. I apologize for anything I've ever said or done that hurt your feelings. I apologize for ever making you feel less than the wonderful, soulful, doing the best damn job you can people that you are. I apologize for times I've said more than I should and for those times I should have spoken up and didn't. I apologize for not seeing what's right in front of me, but instead have dwelled on what is unimportant. I apologize for those times I've been holier than thou and for those times I've not well-honored your holiness.

*Photo from the University of Oregon - no accidents, in Eugene, Oregon, where I grew up.


Kim said...

Carrie, you are more than forgiven. In my corner, you are celebrated, for every little single thing you've ever done or not done. Including writing this beautiful post.

So much love.

riversgrace said...

Love you for keepin it all so real.

megg said...

giggle - I LOVED this post. I am still SO pissed at my grade one teacher for telling me my hair was messy and I have let go of so many other things that should have been A LOT bigger!!!

I also loved your apology! LOVED it! I hope that you feel free and giddy with all of the forgiveness coming your way!!!

lo said...

Nothing to forgive but tons to be thankful for on my end. I am so glad you pranced into my life.
xo LO
BTW I so know what you mean about things or situations 'triggering' negative situations/environments from one's past.Explains a lot of my 'uniqueness' too.

Kathryn said...

No need for apologies.

This is why I love the word "namaste" so much - The Divine in me celebrates the Divine in you! (loosely translated).

I always enjoy your posts even when you're pissed off.


La La said...

peace and grace to you always.

Jess said...

Beautiful post. Thank you.

Amber said...

You made me laugh about that teacher and the sticker. I am still PISSED that a high school teacher I had looked at my Berkeley shirt I had one once, and told me "Pft. You wish". Asshead.

But I doubt you have much to say a sorry about. ;)

...I would like to see apicture of your table. :)


Anonymous said...

You must be hitting some raw nerves out there. Keep it up. Keep it real. Let it all out. You have a gift. Give us more.

shauna said...

I love your blog...