Carrie Link

TRICKS OF THE TRADE

or NOTES FROM WIFE #1

to WIFE #2

• He can complain, you cannot.
• Your methods of relaxing must look identical to his, and coincide perfectly to his work/relax rhythm.
• He can fart in bed, you cannot.
• He can be moody and pout, you must remain even-tempered and delightful at all times.
• Remain patient and calm as each new day you tell him where he left his keys, cell phone and wedding ring.
• Prepare a lot of meat, but make sure there are no cooking odors associated with the preparation.
• Prepare three hot, well-balanced meals a day, and keep them varied. Just make sure they all resemble the five dishes he is willing to eat.
• If he empties the dishwasher, throw him a parade.
• Appreciate that he does not do anything in excess.
• Appreciate that he is always where he says he is, and will always be where you tell him to be, and never late.
• Appreciate that he loves you, and even though he doesn't say it, he knows he "scored" when he married you.
• Appreciate that he is trustworthy with his time, attention, money and decisions.
• Appreciate that he is worth far more dead than alive, so when you're ready to kill him, make it look like an accident.