Thursday, June 29, 2006

  1. Don't call, write, e-mail, or in any way make an effort to contact me, then the minute I contact you, say, "Well, I wondered if I was ever going to hear from you again!
  2. Take everything I say or do personally. Not everything is about you. Say this to yourself over and over and over until you climb off my ass!
  3. Open 100 Otter Pops a day. Open each one in a different location in the house, cutting the tops off with scissors, leaving the oozy ends and sticky scissors scattered throughout the house and yard.
  4. Ask for cinnamon toast. Ask that there be extra cinnamon on it. Ask that you can sprinkle cinnamon on your hand and lick it off. Walk all over the house with said toast leaving buttery, sugary grit on every surface of the house. Repeat this activity 10 x a day.
  5. Remain in your upstairs bedroom with the door closed and your music on, while bellowing to me downstairs in the kitchen, "Mom! Mom! Mom!" , expecting me to not only hear you, but run immediately to find out the nature of the latest emergency.
  6. Walk in the door and remove your socks. Place them RIGHT where you take them off, but never in the same place twice. Don't remove the socks. Don't put the socks in the laundry room. Stomp your foot and act pissed when socks get moved three days later when you're ready to carry out your convoluted plan for them.
  7. Get the morning paper. Take off the plastic sleeve and drop it wherever you feel like it. Find the Sports, Business and Metro sections. Take them. Leave the classified ads and inserts in my chair like a little gift for me to deal with. Grunt when I ask if you are done reading the actual paper.
  8. It is hot. Grab a swimsuit, run outside and get wet in the sprinklers. Grab a towel. Get cold. Run in the house, dripping, drop wet swimsuit and towel. Repeat activity every hour on the hour.
  9. Call and don't leave a message. Why you are calling is not important enough to leave a message. Just keep calling every 10 minutes. You are sure I'll eventually answer. You are wrong. Now it's a war, and I will win.
  10. Tell me I have anger and/or rage issues. This will send me to the dictionary to sort through the differences between the two, only furthering my rage and anger issues.


Suzy said...

Great instruction manual for how to piss you off....

jennifer said...

So funny!!!

wholia said...

Darn it - I was really looking forward to coming over for cinnamon toast and otter pops next week. I promise not to do any of those other things!

P. Bear said...

Hey girlfriend.
My almost ex loves #10. It's his favorite. It makes him feel so powerful to point his f-ing finger at me and blame me for EVERYTHING because I have issues.
Well, helloooo. You and your finger are going to be really busy, Buster -- everyone has issues including perfect you.

The Bone said...

I'm thinking you have some anger issues, you might want to come in a deal with them! Call me, I'll work you into the calendar!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with no.2 and no.9!

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