Carrie Link

STOLEN IDENTITY

I live in a Dick and Jane neighborhood. The neighbors all know one another, many are even third generation natives. This is supposed to be a neighborhood that is "safe", where children play outside, where nobody locks their doors, and where we are exempt from the problems of urban living.

You can imagine how disturbed I was to read then, in our neighborhood association's newsletter, that some neighbors have been having their garbage stolen by identity thieves.

Well, let me tell you a thing or two Mr. or Mrs. Meth Addict! First of all, you've made ME feel like the criminal everytime I want to buy Sudafed, and need to show picture ID to do so, while my "information" is carefully logged. Now you're stealing my garbage? Maybe you don't understand what is in my garbage. My garbage is full of GARBAGE! There are icky things, smelly things, and let me just warn you, there are poopy Pull-Ups in my garbage, so ha, ha, ha, who is laughing now?? My garbage does NOT contain personal information, my mother's maiden name, nor my Social Security Number. It is garbage, I tell you, garbage.

If you STILL want to steal my garbage after learning of its high-garbage content, let me tell you what ELSE to take. If you are going to try to steal my identity, you can steal all that goes with it. I've comprised a list, and if need be, I will be happy to laminate and post this list adjacent to my stinky, smelly, garbage-filled garbage can, just as a friendly reminder!

IF YOU STEAL MY IDENTITY, THE FOLLOWING GOES WITH IT:

• My mother
• My debt
• My responsibilities
• My list of things to do
• My neurosis, psychosis, compulsions, obsessions and addictions
• My droopy boobs and menopausal symptoms
• The wrinkles, grey hair, age spots and unwanted facial hair
• My husband and both kids

You can take all the people that are on my last nerve, too, I'll just keep my favorite people, my magnetic personality and quick wit. Maybe I'll swing by and pick up your back stash of Sudafed, too.

Enjoy!