TAKING IT DOWN

I know I've mentioned The Wailin' Jennys recently, but they bear mentioning again.

Last night during Beer O'Clock, my husband, son and I, all watched "Seinfeld" together, and suddenly saw a commercial for the new Dairy Queen waffle cone sundae. I said, "I'll take one of those, please!" and forgot all about it, happy with my Corona and lime and the little reprieve from the busy day.

The show got over and everyone scattered to go back to their homework, housework, and "must dos," I went back on the computer and became aware the house had gotten really, really quiet. Shortly after, I saw my husband's car pull into the driveway. He'd taken both kids to Dairy Queen. He bought me a waffle cone sundae.

Not because I was serious.

But because he is.

He loves me.

The brick wall around my heart loosened with that simple act of pure love.

That's all I'm asking for.

Simple.

Pure.

Unconditional.

love.


TAKE IT DOWN
Take everything that we've had
Take it and burn it to the ground
Some things never meant to last
Take it down, down, down
Take it down
Take it down, down, down
Take it down

I'm still married too little
That ain't no place to hang around
My love is 50 feet tall
Take it down down down
Take it down
Take it down, down, down
Take it down

RE-VISIONS


I woke up this morning dying to get out of bed and to the computer. My notes from my editor came this weekend, and I was eager to get going on the revisions.

Re-visions.

Seeing something again. And this time, with new eyes.

When I got to my desk I noticed that my peace lilies had begun to bloom.

I looked up the symbolism of lilies and discovered they represent purity, chastity, and innocence. White lilies represent the purity of the Virgin Mary.

Next to each peace lily I have candles depicting the Virgin de Guadalupe.



I had forgotten to blow them out last night. They burned while I slept, and when I awoke, there were blooms.

Re-visions.

No accidents.

EARTH, WATER, FIRE, AND AIR

According to the science of astrology, all of us fall into one of twelve signs, and each of those twelve signs fall into one of four categories. Although I am Aquarius, The Water Bearer, Aquarius is an air sign.

That pretty much sums it up. I'm an odd mix of seemingly two opposites. Someone told me the other day they felt I was becoming stronger, and gentler, both at the same time. I took that as a huge compliment. That's how it feels on the inside, too.

I'm stronger about what I know to be true. And one of the things I know to be true, is that that truth must be self-determined. Each of us must find our own. It can't be begged, borrowed or stolen. It must be ours, outright, from the depths of our soul. I'm becoming gentler in allowing others the time and space to find their truth, and less anxious to shove mine down their throat. I've still got a ways to go on that.

I am researching agents that might help me take my truth and put it out into the world. I am finding that my truth strikes a nerve, or a chord with others, depending on how you look at it. There go those seemingly opposite notions again.

Can a chord and a nerve be the same thing?

Is it worth reading anything that doesn't make us twitch and nod in agreement, both?

Just how far am I willing to go to share my truth? Am I willing to be judged, shamed, shunned? And, perhaps just as hard to imagine and accept, is the possibility that others will validate and recognize my truth as part of their own. Am I ready for that?

I used to think that fire was a symbol of destruction. I am now looking at fire as a symbol of purification, transformation, and renewal.

As I move through another revision of my manuscript I take the pages I am done with, crumble them up and set them on fire. Sometimes literally, but more often figuratively. All those pages that were written and didn't "go anywhere," were they a waste? Or were they just part of the process? In their burning there is purification. The words that rise from the ashes are the truest words of all.

Truth.

Mine.

HERBS DON'T LIE

Last summer I was given herbs to plant in the high desert of Sisters, Oregon. I planted them. I watered them. I loved them. I spoke to them. I sent them blessings and prayers. I tended to them dutifully, even when summer turned to fall, and it didn't look good for the herbs.

When fall turned to winter and deep snow lay on them for months, I prayed they would survive, have the fortitude to dig deep and hold on.

Now, as winter is slowly turning to spring here in Sisters, I see what I tried not to see.

Those herbs never had a chance.

Herbs just don't grow under these conditions.

It occurs to me that lots of other areas of my life I've tried to force, have suffered the same fate. No matter how much love and attention I give them, they just don't stand a chance. They are not meant to be. The conditions are just not compatible.

Some things are like that.

COMEBACK, by Claire and Mia Fontaine

I stayed up last night and finished COMEBACK. Wow. It is so rare that a book grabs me and won't let go. I LOVE when that happens, even better when I learn deep truths while being grabbed!

* What are the payoffs for your SLBs? (Self Limiting Behaviors) There is a reason why we keep doing what we do, what are those reasons?? Sympathy? Control? Approval? Getting to be "right?"

* "Being a victim gives you an excuse for not being accountable for your own life. Blame is a wedge against feeling powerless."

* "Transformation will not tolerate mediocrity, it will not tolerate fear."

"Caretaking is never about the other person. It's about wanting to feel needed because you're afraid you're not wanted. Can you see the connection between that behavior and the belief that you're not good enough?"

* "CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION"

* "Control is always about fear."

"We live by two things - love and fear. Every choice, every thought, every action stems from one of these, and when your time comes, when you reach out - if you reach out - it's love that will save you. Love will get you through everything."

COMEBACK

This is the book I'm reading right now, a memoir by Claire and Mia Fontaine, mother and daughter, and their journey into hell and back as Mia goes deep into drugs and Claire yanks her out and puts her into an intensive year-long program in the Czech Republic.

It's riveting. As my daughter is on the cusp of becoming 14, this topic is of particular interest to me. What I am finding to be fascinating is the approach the program takes with the kids, military-like obedience, discipline, accountability and an in-your-face self-awareness process.

And what is double extra intriguing to me is that the same in-your-face self-awareness process is used on the parents. Some of the things they beat into the parents are:

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS - results never lie. Your results will always tell you what your real intentions are, or were, consciously or not.

What are you pretending to not know? You always KNOW.

Silence is the biggest power play there is.

They go on and on about SLBs, Self Limiting Behaviors, to both the kids and parents. And, like they say, results never lie. They get results. Dramatic results. They know that if the kids do all the hard work to "reform" and come home to the same dynamics, they will be sabotaged, so they make the parents change too. Imagine that? One guess who has the harder time changing.

I "took off" to find myself last summer, "left" my daughter and "just took off," and got a lot of heat about it. A. Lot. I maintained it was largely FOR her I was doing it. If I didn't discover myself, I was leaving her the legacy of figuring out MY mother, me, AND her, at least, and that just didn't seem like a fair load to dump on your first born. Society didn't agree with me, and society let me hear it. My daughter though? She was pretty cool with it.

With the help of a few key friends and the process of memoir writing, I got in my own face to discover my SLBs. I'm sure I missed a few, but I got the biggies. When I came home I was keenly aware of my SLBs, and have worked hard (some would say to the exclusion of all else) to eradicate them.

My daughter and me? Our story is far from over, but I do believe well begun is half done, and I look towards the rest of her teenage years with hope and eager anticipation. I know who I am. I know why I tend to do what I tend to do, and I try hard to catch myself doing it. If my mother had done this for herself, I would have had a huge head start. That's OK, she did the best she could, I know that for sure. But I know better, and am trying to do better. I hope that by the time my daughter is a mother she will know "best," and show "best" to her daughter.

Good, better, best.

Things are moving in the right direction.

JENNY, MY JENNY, PART II

Want to LOL???? Watch this: "In the Motherhood"

Want to hear about My Jenny's new book, MOTHER WARRIORS, click here.

HARMONY

Jess turned me on to another amazing group, THE WAILIN' JENNYS. Jess is very generous and offered me her extra ticket to last night's show, but it didn't work out that I could go. Instead I downloaded all their music and have been listening to it non-stop. LOVE THEM!!!!! I love harmony. Don't we all? All. Kinds. These three have harmony NAILED!

I want more harmony in my life. In fact, I am keeping a chair for harmony. Here are the lyrics to one of their songs that particularly speaks to me, particularly speaks to the biggest obstacle between me and harmony, letting go. Particularly hard for me to do. I'm so good at hanging on. I am taking away "Hanging On's" chair. It's gone.

BEGIN
by Nicky Mehta
To hear them perform this song live, click here.

Hey, maybe the time
just wasn't right to hang on
When are you gonna learn
Sometimes things turn instead of turn out
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
Me, with a head full of words
And not one useful expression
Hey, let go
We, with holes in our hearts
Were whole at the start
Our story began
We film ourselves 'til the end
Try to suspend our lives in the dark
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
See, there's a sun in the sky
And a moon that will take us til morning
When are you gonna stand
Stop and begin this moment
Hey, let go
Let go



* Photo from www.stevehiggs.com

GRIEF

Grief's a strange beast. Sure, there are stages we've all been told about, but what we seldom hear is how these stages are fluid, and cycle, and seem to come back around on themselves with a random quality to them. And I think, too often, we limit our thinking of grief to only mean death.

Death is a relative term.

Lots of things die besides people.

Dreams die.

Plans die.

Friendships die.

We give birth to children that defy the "life" we thought we wanted, and we are forced to let "die" that aspect of our futures.

Marriages die.

The status quo dies.

Careers die.

Fame, prestige, social status dies.

But, as Eckhart Tolle says, life is not the opposite of death, birth is the opposite of death.

Things, besides people, are born.

New friendships are born.

New marriages, sometimes even from the rubble of an existing one, are born.

A sense of wholeness and purpose that defies status, fame and prestige is born.

True peace is born.

Acceptance is born.

Detachment is born.

Compassion is born.

Grief continues to cycle and sometimes grabs us by the throat when we least expect it, but we do not need to keep a chair for it. We can "touch it with gentle awareness" (another Eckhart Tolle-ism) and not resist, nor judge it, but simply say, "Well, hey there, grief! I see you've come to visit again!"

That's what we can do. I'm not saying that's what I do, but those are the chairs I plan to keep. A chair for birth. A chair for newness. A chair for hope. A chair for love.

JENNY, MY JENNY


Jenny, my Jenny, pass the Kleenex, was just in Portland with her work for Generation Rescue. Generation Rescue was started in Portland, and was the first place where Jenny began to find answers for her son's autism recovery. Jenny, my Jenny, now sits on the board. But this woman doesn't sit. She stands. Barefoot. "High heels are bullshit." How do you not LOVE a woman that calls it like it is?? Generation Rescue has created a film, Autism Yesterday, which I just watched. Pass more Kleenex, please. I wasn't able to score access to Jenny's talk in Portland, but I have friends in high places, and one of them DID go, and she stopped by my house today to tell me all about it, and present me with my autographed copy of LOUDER THAN WORDS.

I know the picture above is backwards, so I'll spare you the need to find a mirror, the book says, "To Carrie - Come to Washington D.C. with me! (heart) Jenny McCarthy." I believe she accidently forgot the "My Carrie," part, which is totally understandable as there was a huge crowd and time was of the essence.

I guess Jenny speaks to a lot of mom's groups, and my friend in high places told My Jenny that we have one here, and there's a chance the next time she comes to Portland she'll be joining us. Which is totally exciting, and just makes good sense if My Jenny and I are going to get our Washington D.C. trip all ironed out!

So. There you have it.

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, THE ANSWER IS NO

I came up with that one a couple days ago. What do you think?

I've been testing my new theory, and I can't find one example in my life where it doesn't apply. Every time I had doubt, and needed to ask someone(s) to help me decide something, it was because my heart already knew the answer was no, but my head wanted it to be yes. I wanted to take the wisdom of my heart and put it before a committee. And we all know that's what a camel is, right? A horse designed by a committee.

If you have to ask, the answer is no.

A yes? A true yes? Does not need a second opinion. It does not leave doubt. It does not feel dubious. A true yes is just that. True. Solid. Peaceful.

If you have to ask, the answer is no.










*Photo from Jupiter Images

JUST HAD TO SHARE...


1) Kario makes an excellent point, coping and resolving are not the only two options! There is happiness! Oh yea, happiness! What a concept!!!! I hope my posting did not imply that there are not perfectly viable reasons for being on meds to do MORE than cope, to actually be happy! Thanks, Kario!

2) "K" of Mary Christ infamy, had another good one yesterday. My daughter, "L," said, "Oh my gosh!" And K said, "Gosh is the same as God, that's just his nickname!"

3) Do we LOVE K????

HOPING FOR COPING

I'm Paxil-free these days, after six years of daily dosing and six LONG, HELLISH, BRUTAL, NEVER AGAIN weeks of withdrawal! (BTW, thank you to so many of you that expressed concern!) I originally went off the meds cold turkey, but then was (wisely) advised that was not smart, and did a taper off. I got it all the way down to five little milligrams but when I went from 5 to zero, I still went into a total heroin-like withdrawal cycle that seriously, I think should be considered a viable form of capital punishment.

So. I'm feeling good these days. Really good. Giddy good. Good, good and more good.

So many people have asked me about why I started taking them in the first place, and why did I choose to stop. It's a little like the question of, "What happened?" It's complicated.

I got a little annoyed, actually my pain body became activated, last week when Oprah got on her high horse remarked on the webcast with Eckhart Tolle, that we live in a culture where people just pop a pill to avoid their emotions. I think that does a gross disservice to her audience when she says stuff like that. While that may be true for some, I have never met a person that did not strongly, carefully, and with great hesitation, consider taking psychiatric medications. It's the same beef I have with those in the media that say we DRUG our children, rather than dealing with them. Again, some may do that, but I dare say the HUGE majority of parents consider this a LAST resort, not a first, and unless you've been in a situation that calls for this kind of decision, you aren't allowed to vote. Period.

So, in a nutshell, I went on my meds six years ago when my anxiety was debilitating. I don't mean when it was a tad uncomfortable. I don't mean when I felt a little edgy. I mean when I was DEBILITATED by it. Going to the ER with panic attacks thinking I was dying, unable to eat, sleep, drive a car, care for my children, DEBILITATED. That's when I went on meds. And I'm glad I did and I'd make that same choice all over again. Definitely. I did not have the LUXURY of "feeling my emotions," and "just being with them." Six years ago I had a five year old with needs so special I couldn't place him in a school, not even the ones for "kids like him." I had a seven-year-old that needed a mother. I had a husband that needed a wife. I did not have the opportunity to "deal" with what was bothering me at that time, I could only survive. I could only cope. I could not transcend. I could not plummet the depths of my emotions for deeper meaning. It. Was. Not. An. Option.

But now it is. Now coping is not the order of the day. Resolving is.

There are times to cope and times to resolve. Period. And don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise.

MARY WAS A FEMINIST??

I've spent the weekend with 13, almost 14-year-old girls, soon to graduate from 8th grade and face the big world of high school. This is particularly big since they've been in school together since kindergarten, in their small, one class at every grade, school.

After having this amount of time with each other, truly they are more like siblings than friends. They know each other inside and out, for better or for worse, and tease and call each other on their "stuff" in a way that can only be described as impressive! I've gotta think they know an intimacy in friendship that is going to serve them well when they find life partners.

Here are my favorite snippets:

Inside Safeway where each girl (3) was given a little basket and told, by me, that they could go fill it up with junk food for the weekend, but they had to have at least one "food, food" item in it, too.

A: Can I get Herbal Essence?

Me: Do you NEED shampoo?

A: No, but my mom doesn't let me buy that kind, and I really want to try it.

Me; Let's skip the Herbal Essence, then.

A: How about Fabreeze? Can I get Fabreeze?

Me: Do you NEED Fabreeze?

A: No, but same thing as with the shampoo...

A: How about a Fabreeze CANDLE?? THAT would be really cool!

Me: OK, let's stick with food this time, but I'll totally get you a Safeway gift card for your birthday, and you can go NUTS!

*********************

Inside Hollywood Video as they try to agree on a movie:

K: Let's get "Pearl Harbor" it's SO good!

A: BORING!

L: I don't want to LEARN, this is the weekend.

K: Let's get "Titanic!"

A: I don't want to cry!

L: I don't consider watching boats, entertainment.

***********************

After watching their selected movie, "Saved," and fighting to tell me all about it, simulaneously:


K: It was SUCH a good movie! I've seen it before? And the girl was Catholic? And her name was Mary? But she wasn't Mary Christ.

L: Mary CHRIST?

A: Who is Mary Christ?

K: Yea, you know, Jesus, Joseph and Mary Christ? It wasn't that Mary.

A: Who wasn't that Mary?

L: How do you you know that was Mary's last name? Maybe she kept her maiden name!

LOVE, PEACE and APOLOGIES

I had an interesting morning. There are a group of us that get together once a month in support of each other as we raise children with special needs. Today we met at my house, and one mom arrived early to extend an apology to me. This woman didn't owe me an apology, not in my mind anyway, I had honestly not given "it" a thought, but in her mind she did. Then another mother stayed after everyone left to do the same thing! Again, I hadn't even felt the smallest of twinges towards either of these women. Zero, but they felt the need to apologize.

I went upstairs for my e-mail hit after they all left, and there was a third apology in my inbox. This from a person I felt did owe me an apology, but whom I had long given up any hope or expectation that that would ever happen. But it did.

What I find so interesting is what we hold on to and what we let go of. Why do we wear the horse hair vests for some things and not for others? Our internal process of what we continue to feel guilty about and what we don't, and what we easily forgive, and what we don't, all that fascinates me.

My own process is faulty with a capital F! I'm still PISSED that when I had a substitute teacher in 2nd grade she gave every kid an STP Auto Racing sticker EXCEPT ME! PISSED! But there are things people have said and done "to me" that I've totally forgotten about, until I'm with a group of friends and someone says, "Remember when...." and then I dimly do.

Another mother at our gathering today commented on my blog "A Still Life," and how that piece touched her. I told her that what never ceases to amaze me are the insights I gain from my own writing. Like I said, I'm an extrovert, I integrate by writing/sharing information with others. When writing that piece just a couple days ago, I realized something SO obvious. No wonder I don't like sitting down at a dining room table with others, especially in my home, I have nothing but GOD AWFUL MEMORIES of this! In the house we live in right now we/I turned the whole dining room into a family room! Our table is now in the foyer of our house, it's the first thing you see when you walk in the front door. It's a lovely table and flowers look gorgeous on it. I do not like the chairs to be drawn up, though, I much prefer them up against the walls. And we don't dine there except on very special occasions. Period. I've effectively removed all possibilities of being held hostage at our table. And I didn't even realize I'd done it. Wow.

So, readers both known and unknown to me, please forgive me. I apologize for anything I've ever said or done that hurt your feelings. I apologize for ever making you feel less than the wonderful, soulful, doing the best damn job you can people that you are. I apologize for times I've said more than I should and for those times I should have spoken up and didn't. I apologize for not seeing what's right in front of me, but instead have dwelled on what is unimportant. I apologize for those times I've been holier than thou and for those times I've not well-honored your holiness.





*Photo from the University of Oregon - no accidents, in Eugene, Oregon, where I grew up.

THE LAST LECTURE

I seldom watch TV, and I NEVER just sit down, turn it on and start flipping. But I did last night, and of course, say it with me, THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS! I tuned in just in time to see Diane Sawyer's interview with Randy Pausch. OMG. I am telling you, that man is INSPIRATIONAL! And how about that wife of his? Wow. (And her haircut could NOT be any cuter.) And how about when he said Hollywood will never be able to make a movie of his life, because there isn't an actor alive beautiful enough to play his wife. Huh? How about that?

Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University, computer science. His class size swelled from the 50 registered, to the 150 that actually attended, as students brought in their friends and PARENTS to hear him speak. Evidently in the spring of each year Carnegie Mellon has a speaker give "The Last Lecture" of the year, and Randy was this speaker. Ironically, he had recently learned he had terminal cancer, and indeed, this lecture would be his last.

I don't want to spoil the rest, you've gotta just watch the lecture yourself. It's worth. Every. Minute. I've already 1-Clicked the book and can't wait to read it.

To be inspired, click here.

So, how many of you are in class with Eckhart Tolle and Oprah each week? I am so curious as to how many of my readers are doing this.

This is at least my fourth run at this book, and I'm still far, far, FAR from full integration, but I have had the following breakthroughs:

TOP 10 AHA MOMENTS WITH ECKHART

10. That whole heaven/hell, Devil/God thing I grew up believing in? BOTH IN US, one is called our true selves, one is called our PAIN BODY!

9. You can't argue with a pain body!

8. It's nicer to say to yourself, "Oh, I see that their pain body has been activated," as opposed to my usual, "WTF! They are a total whack job!"

7. Nobody is going to awaken before they are ready. Like forcing flowers to bloom you may get "results," but they aren't natural/organic/authentic.

6. We already know the answers to our deepest questions, then we just put a lot of words on top to keep our pain bodies busy. Our true self always knows. Always.

5. Everything that "happens" is a chance to practice stillness.

4. As soon as we "need" to win, we've already "lost."

3. No amount of personal work is going to force change in another. Our personal work is personal, and IF it affects others, than that's great, but cannot be the impetus for our change.

2. People in our lives that say one thing and do another? They may not actually be psychotic (see #8), they just may have dense pain bodies that are easily activated. Their true selves believe what they are "saying," but their pain bodies are "doing" another.

1. Like attracts like. You cannot be peaceful, truly peaceful, and have everyone "against" you. It just doesn't work that way.

A STILL LIFE

A little birdy told me you are sick of reading lyrics on my blog. Same little birdy that bitched about gently mentioned being sick of reading about my dreams. Well, hmmm... that's a problem, isn't it, because I listen to a lot of great music and dream a lot of dreams, and if I don't blog about them, how in the hell am I supposed to actually integrate their wisdom? I'm an extrovert, that's what we do. We integrate our knowledge by sharing it with others. No need to thank me. Your own integration is all the thanks I need.

Well, I'm back on Lucy Kaplansky. She has one song that I'm particularly obsessed with right now, the one that speaks of a still life. A life that is still.

I want more stillness in my life.

I NEED more stillness in my life.

But a still life?

Not. So. Much.

Isn't the trick to find stillness within the ever changing circumstances of life, rather than to get the circumstances to stop and be still?

My dad lived a still life. He moved from bedroom to kitchen table and back to bedroom. That's it. He lived in a 2,500 square foot house, technically, but his life was spent either sleeping off a drunk in one room, or actively building one in another. Nobody called him. Nobody stopped by. He kept a fully packed suitcase in his closet but never went anywhere. His life was still. His body was still. Stillness, though, eluded him to his dying day.

That's no life.

At least not for me.


LUCY KAPLANSKY
Still Life

Sadness is a little boy looking
Out the window high above the city,
Counting statues of people on the buildings,
Thinking that the people are forever,

He wants his father to be a statue,
On the rooftop of his fatherless home,
So that he can always see him,
So that he will never leave him,

Late at night in the darkness of his dreaming,
His father's words fall down in a rainstorm,
And the words become hands that will guide him,
Through his life in the world just beginning.


You cannot live in bronze or stone,
Make your life in flesh and bone.


Stranded is a man no longer searching
For the life he had hoped for and imagined
Courting fear instead of a woman,
Holding sorrow as his only companion

Counting days like his money in the markets,
And watching life from the window in his office,
Maybe one day I'll have the courage,
Maybe one day I'll sail across the ocean.

But I feel safe in the light of my computer,
This is how I choose to live,
Fixed in stone a man will wither,
Running waters are the life of the river.

You cannot live in bronze or stone,
Make your life in flesh and bone
Remember me...

Frightened is an old man limping
Through the park on a dark December day,
He stands frozen at the base of a statue,
And he hopes for a warm hand to help him,

Tonight he will dream that he is flying,
Over banks of a river he remembers
His father's voice will echo all around him,
His father's hands will hold him in the sky,

Now I can sail across the ocean,
Now I will sail across the ocean,
Now I am sailing across the ocean.

I cannot live in bronze or stone,
I must live as flesh and bone.
Remember me, remember me, remember me...

*Photo of Renoir's "Still Life With Peaches"

Funniest thing Rojo said yesterday...

Knowing that "capice" means, "understand?" he said to me after giving me a long lecture about our basketball schedule for the day and upcoming week, "Mom? Do I capice myself?"

Yes.

Yes you do, Rojo. You capice yourself. And I think I understand you too. At least I'm tryin'.

CORE BELIEFS

"Your identity is built over your lifetime from the core outward; 'core beliefs' are the ones learned early on. Core beliefs are deeper, more fundamental, and harder to change than the outer layer ones. Changing core beliefs is potentially threatening to your identity, because you have built your life around the core. Changing a core belief could be like changing the foundation of a house: hard to do without tearing away some of the house." Max Highstein

With wild abandon I jab, cut, remove cords that tie me to people with whom I no longer choose to be tied. These energetic ties are strong, but they've got nothing on the strength of my beliefs, particularly those that are old, old, OLD.

What are the beliefs I hold at my core? On what is my "house" built? I have worked so hard to eradicate these, but they are stubborn little balls of "ick" that lie in my center, and bring doubt and confusion to what I truly "know."

TOP 10 CORE BELIEFS OF MINE

10) Sharing good news is bragging, and simply not done.

9) My happiness is selfish.

8) Give, give, give then give some more, and don't complain. To whom much has been given, much is expected.

7) There is scarcity. I must "feed" everyone first, and then IF there's anything left over, I may eat.

6) Hiding my light under a bushel is the humble/modest/only thing to do.

5) If others aren't getting what they want, I shouldn't be getting what I want. This life is a race and we must all arrive at the finish line at exactly the same time, because while it's a race, I want everyone to "tie."

4) I can and should cheer others up. I can't be happy until they are. The gloomier someone's outlook is, the harder I need to try, and the longer my own happiness will just have to wait.

3) Life's not fair. Some people are lucky and some people aren't. I'm lucky, and that's not fair. I must minimize my luck to balance it with others misfortune.

2) We are all where we are because of the choices we make, but it's my job in the world to make sure everyone makes good choices. I have power over the choices of others.

1) I can make others big by making myself small.

PERMISSION TO FORGIVE OURSELVES
Releasing Guilt

"Learning to accept the things that we perceive as wrong can be a difficult task for many of us. Often we have been brought up to accept that it is normal to feel guilty about our actions and that by doing so we will make everything seem alright within ourselves. Even though we might feel that we have a reason to make up for the choices we have made, it is much more important for us to learn how to deal with them in a healthy and positive way, such as through forgiveness and understanding.

When we can look back at our past and really assess what has happened, we begin to realize that there are many dimensions to our actions. While feeling guilty might assuage our feelings at first, it is really only a short-term solution. It is all too ironic that being hard on ourselves is the easy way out. If we truly are able to gaze upon our lives through the lens of compassion, however, we will be able to see that there is much more to what we do and have done than we realize. Perhaps we were simply trying to protect ourselves or others and did the best we could at the time, or maybe we thought we had no other recourse and chose a solution in the heat of the moment. Once we can understand that dwelling in our negative feelings will only make us feel worse, we will come to recognize that it is really only through forgiving ourselves that we can transform our feelings and truly heal any resentment we have about our past.

Giving ourselves permission to feel at peace with our past actions is one of the most positive steps we can take toward living a life free from regrets, disappointments, and guilt. The more we are able to remind ourselves that the true path to a peaceful mind and heart is through acceptance of every part of our lives and actions, the more harmony and inner joy we will experience in all aspects of our lives."

This quote comes from my new favorite website, Daily Om.

EMOTION IS THE NEW LATTE

This third Carrie is really a piece of work, she is obsessed with chai tea, something she could barely tolerate three weeks ago, and requires three times a day now. She finally gave in and bought the supplies to make it at home, since running to the coffee house each day, thrice daily, was becoming expensive, time-consuming, and just all around ridiculous.

Yesterday, however, I was not at home when the "need" arose. I'd taken a bunch of eighth graders on a field trip and suddenly found myself with 30 minutes of time I hadn't counted on, as I was not needed to chaperone, merely drive them somewhere, wait around, and return them to school later. So, I hopped in my car, went on down the road until I found somewhere for my fix, and ordered. As I ordered I laughed to and at myself.

If I just took off the word "latte" and replaced it with "emotion," I'd be getting therapy on top of therapy! What I order is such a metaphor for my mental state!

"May I have a grande, non-fat hot, spicy emotion please?"

"I'll have a tall, extra hot, no whip emotion please?"

"Decaf, short, non-fat emotion!"

"Iced venti, extra shot emotion, please."

Hmmm... can't talk now, gotta go make my second extra-large emotion of the day, and it's only 6:30 AM.

SLEEPING LIKE/WITH A ROCK

I'm sleeping with crystals now. It's come to that. Slept with my new rose quartz last night, firmly wrapped into the palm of my right hand. My dreams were at an all-time high intensity. At one point in the night I got up, moved the crystal across the room and went back to bed. Alone. Enough is enough.

When I got up this morning I went straight to it and picked it up. It was "muggy" - a highly scientific word for clouded, heavy, not-clear. I gave it a little bath in warm water with salt, which is what I've been told you do to relieve mugginess. Now it's clear again and sitting right next to me.

I don't think I'll need to sleep with it tonight, but I did last night. Last night the cords I cut didn't feel very far away, they felt close and ready to spring right back around me out of habit, and I felt all too ready to let them.

Today I feel differently. I wouldn't call the change dramatic, I would call it subtle but present.

Subtle.

Present.

Not words I've ever used to describe myself, but the new Carrie? This third version? She wants to be those things.

Today I look for and appreciate subtlety.

Today I will be present.



If you'd like to do your own Cord Cutting Meditation, try this.

CUT, CUT

I'm probably going to have to change the name of my blog to "Partially Caffeinated." I know. I'm devastated too. It's the damndest thing, I am just NOT into coffee these days. I'm actually reconsidering my stance on tea. I know. Big. Stuff.

But even bigger than those deep blows, is the fact that ever since I went off my meds (6 weeks ago now), I am just not my old self. Best news of all? I'm not my old, old self either. I thought that if I went off I'd go right back into high anxiety mode, gun to the head, rat on a wheel, go, go, crazy go girl.

So it seems I'm a third self, and she has new ideas about my care and well being! She cries a lot. She feels things very deeply. She can't even hear the name Jenny McCarthy without tearing up in gratitude. This girl prioritizes her days differently. The To Do list is secondary, and the To Be list is a priority. This girl decided she needed just the right crystal to help with cord cutting, and she threw her schedule out the window and went in search for it.

When this girl got to the shop where she knew they sold crystals, the shop owner greeted her and said, "Carrie? You don't have an appointment, do you?" No, I assured her that this time I was visiting her store to actually shop, not to see one of her many amazing "readers" that works there.

"I need a crystal," the new girl said, "I mean I NEED a crystal."

"Well then," the shop owner said, "make your rounds!"

I found the one I needed in about 2 seconds and took it to the counter. The shop owner said, "Well, of course you needed this one. We just got it in. Today. I haven't seen one this 'robust' in a long time. It has your name all over it."

So now I am the new girl with the new crystal. Energetically I'm a bonder. Your stuff, my stuff, it's all wrapped up into one big ball of goo, and I need help in cutting that. I am being pulled and pulling, and that's just not fair to anyone. There is a practice called cord cutting, and that is pretty much what it does, separates things energetically, and puts them all back in their places with bright shiny faces. Crystals are not necessary, but they are helpful, they expedite the process. One part of old, and old, old Carrie that remains, is the love for expediency! Check, check!

So, if I have your "stuff" and you'd like it back? It's yours. I cut your story loose from mine. If you have my stuff and you'd like to dump it? Please do, and thank you for taking such good care of it in the meantime.




According to the Satya Center,
"Rose quartz projects soft, soothing vibrations that resonate with the frequency of unconditional love, stimulating the heart chakra. Rose quartz is a gently healing stone, allowing for the slow opening of the heart to love and healing. Rose quartz supports the wearer or bearer in all spiritual practices and daily activities that promote the development of compassion for all beings -- and especially for oneself. Rose quartz has often been used in the treatment of wounds to the emotional body, and especially a wounded heart, but can also be used effectively in treatment of the throat, third eye and crown chakra.