Wednesday, August 02, 2006

THE SIN OF SELFISHNESS
Wow! I've started a ruckous amongst my blog readers! Check out all the comments on the Transamerica posting! I'll just say this about that...
I am the child of divorce, twice. Divorce is hell on everyone. People get divorced for many different reasons, all of them hard on children, but not all of them due to selfish reasons. When one spouse is abusing the other, and the victim takes the kids and gets out, is that selfish? Or self-preserving and ultimately, protective? When one spouse just "doesn't love the other anymore", is that a selfish reason to get out? I think so. If one spouse just doesn't love the other anymore because they are in denial about, or closeted about their homosexualty, that goes beyond selfishness, and straight to cruel. To not own up to why you don't love your spouse the way they deserve to be loved, but lead them on to think they are inherently faulty and unloveable, is unconscionable. That is what I find fault with. If one spouse marries, tries to live a hetersexual life, cannot anymore, and comes clean with the spouse and children, that is taking the high road/the harder road, the "right" road, the road far more kind and honest. That road leads to understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Being lied to leads to distrust in self and others.
I'm all about people being whoever they are. This is not a question of whether being straight or gay is "better", this is about whether honesty is better than dishonesty. And with that, I've gotta go "the truth will set you free" route.
Do I recognize that rural Wyoming and urban Texas were hard places to be "out" in the early 1960s? Of course! Yes, in fact, open homosexuality may have cost them their lives earlier than it did anyway. Would two wives and three children have had their lives ruined too? No. That's what I'm saying.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Again - this is like thinking you know what it's like in Lebanon right now because you've wathed the news. You aren't there - you don't really know what's going on there. You're not living it.

Too call it cruelty demonstrates that you have absolutely empathy for the gay experience. It's so easy to throw out words like denial of their homosexuality or in the closet when you've never been there and can't understand how hard coming out of that closet is.

Have you ever hated the way God made you? I'm not talking about that you might lose your temper or that your boobs were bigger - I'm talking about hating WHO YOU ARE, having it reinforced by your family, your society - that what you are is disgraceful, sinful, immoral, disgusting, a sign of serious mental problems, or the most backhanded slap of all - like an alcoholic. Anyone ever look at your 13 year monogamous union while they've been married several times and compare it to alcoholism.

I can understand the temptation to try and live a life that is not natural to you because you HATE what you are - you can't....and where you see cruelty - I only have compassion. Have you ever had to be that strong?????

Overcoming that self-hatred is a long process...and yes, sometimes women and children get hurt in that process and that is wrong. And it's too bad there's not some manual for us gays to use to know exactly how to go against your family and your society (over 60% of Oregonians rejected same sex marriage on the ballot initiative - has a major political party used you as a whipping board recently to activate their base?)and live your own truth in one day so no one gets hurt - but it doesn't work that way....for any human development or self discovery process - you're holding us to a higher standard and acting like the truth witheld is so much more cruel than any other truth witheld in a marriage - it's all wrong...it's all bad - but to single this out as cruel....just not extending compassion to all beings.

Those men weren't f***ing around - they LOVED each other.

Anonymous said...

beloved Carrie, I agree with you...100%

and to "anonymous lesbian" thank you for taking the time to write such a moving account of your feelings and educate us all from your unique point of view...I will remember your words!

Anonymous said...

Even the most well intentioned heterosexual never "gets" it. It is not their experience....and they can never get inside to understand - only cast stones from afar. Very sad - I understand and feel your point - You may logically see my point, but you can't feel it.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous heterosexuals:

This is the last comment I'll leave on this:

I pray to God none of your children are gay or lesbiann..not for you,but for them...It's not easy and it's even harder with a uncompassionate family.

Michelle O'Neil said...

Oh my goodness, I am just catching up with this whole thread. My best friend's husband died of AIDS and put my friend and their baby at risk, hiding his homosexuality. It was awful for her and now her child has no Dad, but I realize the real tragedy is living in a society where a person doesn't feel safe to simply be who they truly are. I don't think it is a matter of selfishness. I think it is a matter of fear. And I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

Michelle - I owe you an apology......you do get it....and you give me hope that more heterosexual people will in time.

Thank you - Anonymous Lesbian

Terry Whitaker said...

Wow! So incredibly powerful--from every angle. Living in truth is incredibly difficult for so many "normal" families--I can't imagine how difficult for those facing extraordinary hurtles.

Your message of living in truth is clearly what we all need to strive for--and compassion helps us see the truth more clearly.

kario said...

Not to stir up anything new here, but if anyone is in the market for a good read in this particular vein, I can highly recommend "Trans-Sister Radio" by Chris Bohjalian. It is fantastic and has perhaps a more compassionate and contemporary view of the subject.

Anonymous said...

If you want to see a "lighter" movie on the subject then try Imagine You and Me. Similiar theme....but I won't ruin it for you by giving away the ending.

It's not going to win any Oscars - it's just a fun, lesbian, romantic comedy.....or as my straight friends call it " a Lesbedy" :o) It's a great movie about living in truth and how hard it is to get there.