Monday, August 17, 2009


"And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings, this he said to me: 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.'"

Eden Ahbez, 1908-1995


At this very moment I am typing while my overly tired, highly emotional and couldn't-be-cuter thirteen-year-old son is two feet away watching some show on TV designed for preschoolers.

I feel loved, and so does he.

Now.

All summer I've had a vacation planned, my idea of a vacation, anyway. A trip to Sisters ALL ALONE. A whole week of just me, myself and I. Solitude. Silence. Serenity. My "you've almost made it through the summer" reward.

I've had a canvas tote bag sitting on the floor of my closet for two weeks. Every time I thought of something else cool to do on my vacation, it went in the tote: I Ching coins and book, Do-It-Yourself Tarot, a book on following the way of Mary, a step-by-step pilgrimage, if you will. I was going to wake up in the high desert air after a uninterrupted 10-hour a night sleep, throw on a bathrobe to cover the chill from sleeping with the windows wide open all night, and turn on the coffee. Then I would sit on my meditation cushion and do one woo woo thing after another, after carefully recording my deep and prophetic dreams from the previous night.

Rojo had been hip to the plan for weeks, even doing a big, "YES!" when I told him Woohoo was going to the lake with a friend for a week, and I was going to Sisters, and it would just be the three generations of men at home: he, Daddy and Elmo.

Saturday he was fine, then suddenly burst into tears, "I am sad you are leaving." He's never articulated his feelings so clearly and directly. That seemed to pass, so I continued loading the car and eventually left, arriving late afternoon in Sisters.

Sunday morning I rose with the birds, was deep into my woo woo, basking in the fact there were six more days of this stretched before me, and getting excited to go for a walk, then coming back to do some real writing, after months of pretty much B.S.

The phone rang. STM. "We have a problem here. Your little boy misses his mom. He hasn't eaten anything since you left. He won't stop crying. I think you need to come home."

I threw everything back into the canvas tote, quickly made the bed, tossed food into an ice chest and hit the road.

So it is that Rojo and I now have a week together that will be one thing, while I'd planned on another. It will not be a week of solitude, silence and serenity.

Instead, it will be a week of solidarity.

16 comments:

jesswilson said...

i'm so sorry

the time will come

he'll be ready

you'll be ready

not yet doesn't mean not

and when ...

then ...

you and your woo will find your own space

in the meantime

LOVE

Jerri said...

May this week show you its reason for being.

deb said...

It's good that you can be flexible enough to see the week as something positive and not a loss. I'm slowly getting there with Katie. Although a week alone does sound like heaven. Sigh.

Enjoy your week.

pixiemama said...

I'm fearing the same when J and I are in OR for 10 long days. We NEED it - you know we do. But what if? Thankfully he's closer to my mom than he is me, and she will be here the entire time, and he will be in school most of the time. but.

love.

Jamie said...

I am sorry about this.... I hope you have a great week!

Maddy said...

We share a very similar canoe. Mine are now 11, 10 and 8 and we very nearly had a weekend of 'alone' as my elder daughter was going to take them camping.

It rained.

On the other hand, articulation like that when it comes from the heart is pretty hard to beat.

I wonder which one of us will be the first to get a weekend or a week 'off' duty?

Wanda said...

Love.

I love how you love...how Rojo loves.

One love.

I'm sure there is good material in this week.

Ask Me Anything said...

I didn't realize you had actually GONE and had to come BACK. I'm so sorry...it sounded like pure bliss.

drama mama said...

I love how much he loves you.

The time for your solitary trip will come.

For now...enjoy him.

And for God's sake, PLEASE post your conversations!

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

To the moon and back. I would do it for mine too, in a heartbeat. Love.

courtneywrites said...

I hope you guys have a WONDERFUL week together. xox

Michelle O'Neil said...

Take an A.

and a drink.

She said...

You could write together. Who knows what the two of you could come up with!

I love how you LOVE.

Laurie Harper said...

Love the blog, the photo, the quote. You remind me to be resilient, to keep giving, to keep loving, no matter how plans don't work as planned. Thank you.

Deb Shucka said...

There is no heart and no love bigger than yours, Carrie. The braces have ushered in a very interesting new chapter for your family. Sending you love and feeling some sadness for your loss.

kario said...

I love that you are both feeling loved.

I am intrigued that Rojo is beginning to "need" you. I feel something momentous coming.