Monday, June 23, 2008


I went to see a professional recently, about my whole "aggressively letting go" process gone amok. She said the most helpful thing: "When given a choice between chaos and stability, you historically have chosen chaos. You are more familiar, and frankly, more comfortable, with chaos. Your challenge now is to choose stability."

This week of retreat has given me nothing but time to reflect and see how right she was. Chaos, over and over again, and if chaos wasn't a choice, I created it so it became one.

The astrologer I keep mentioning, said something very similar. He said I had a see-saw chart which consistently put me in the middle of conflict, a place where I was proficient, skilled, and so flippin' comfortable.

Well, no more. When things start to feel "boring" I am going to work like hell to reframe them as "stable." I've grown all I need to in the chaos department, there are lessons for me to learn in the stable end. Lots.

* Photo from


Special Needs Mama said...

Wow, this seems very wise. I definitely notice the see-saw affect in my own life, and very much in some dear friends around me. I wonder why they cultivate chaos (being perpetually late, for starters) and then I see that this actually is their source of energy. It's so hard to find what we need from within, isn't it.

Anonymous said...

This makes so much sense to me and it is something I have thought about in my own life. I know it comes from growing up in a family that was always in crisis, it became the norm. In some crazy way it was where I felt the most comfortable, only I didn't know it. I do now and strive for that stability each day.


La La said...

I've heard this about myself too from a very wise male psychologist back in 2005. He was speaking to my attachment pain and my propensity to need things to be in "crisis" for me to feel alive.

He challenged me to accept the reality that most real and dependable attachments are not based in crisis but in quiet and rest and doing the day in and day out stuff together. He said I'd find this to be boring, and that as long as I knew that, then I could choose to stay in the "mundane" until it became a greater reality in my attachments than the crisis had been. He said I'd then learn that true attachments are dependable and safe and would not keep me in a perpetual state of anxiety and fear of abandonment.

Today, you reminded me of all of this, and I think it's why I feel so connected to you.

I love your wisdom. I love how succinctly you put this PEARL of knowing into words for us. I love how intentional you are about maturity and grace.

holly said...


Suzy said...

Great perspective, oh wise one!

I used to think chaos made me part of something, anything. What it made me is not attending to my own wants and needs.

Bye bye chaos and all it's friends.

Love you.


Jane said...

Does this mean you will be searching for new set of "friends" and dumping the old ones? Just curious.

Jerri said...

Chaos is a ball breaker. Got some experience with that my own self.

Stability takes a little getting used to, but it's got its own charms.

You're gonna love it!

Deb said...

For me letting go of chaos has been connected to letting go of my need to control everything in order to feel safe. It's weird paradox, I know. Stability means being right here right now, which has never felt particularly safe.

I love what you get to learn on retreat. I love how you share it with us. I love you.

Amber said...

I can tell you that life is much better when you choose the mellow stream. But it is a hard habbit to break. You have to just sit with it, until the water feel right one day. I am greatful that I "got" this at such a young age.

It also takes faith-- which I know you have. When I met Kory, I was "in looove" with another guy. A cheating bastard kind of guy. A show me no love at all, but then beg me to stay with him when I tried to leave over and over kind of guy...It was so hard to break it. But I prayed and prayed, and I KNEW I knew better. I totally GOT that my trying to make him love me felt so familure, because of my parents...

When I met Kory, he was so...boring. Really, really stable and BORING. It didn't feel like what I knew as love. Chaos was love to me. Chaos was passion, right? But I said to God, "I am handing this over to you, because I obviously have NO clue what the fuck I am doing". And I sat with it and tried to get used to the warmer water.

Even when we were getting married, I wasn't sure I really, really loved him. I knew that HE loved ME, and for once I just wanted some of that. And I kept walking on in faith... Then we got married, and the next day I looked at him and it was like a fog had been lifted from my eyes! I DID really love him. I loved him so much. It was as if God was testing me, trying to give me a chance to learn what faith was about, what trusting Him was about, what CHOOSING BETTER FOR MYSELF was about... It was all about being willing to love myself enough to change my life.

I can't tell that story on my blog, because I wouldn't want to hurt Kory's feelings-- even though we have talked about it often. But I thought it might mean something to you... I really get this. I do.

Change like this is hard, but it blesses your life.

btw, in my chart it is clear that one of the lessons I am set up to learn is about Trust. People might laugh, but I stick by it. One more tool given to us to understand our life here.


Anonymous said...

This is interesting. I've always been one to create chaos in my life and have tried lately to sit still. It has helped but I still need to go through some more chaos, self inflicted, before I can come back into balance. Or perhaps I can make the transition as peaceful and smooth as possible? Hadn't thought of that. Thanks for making me think with my fingers:)