Thursday, March 01, 2007

HEAL OVER

I'm just beginning to come out of my post-workshop fog. It's a good fog. A happy fog. A fog of deep satisfaction, but nonetheless, a fog. Don't know my name exhaustion. Emotions running the gamut from happier than I've ever been, to recovery of repressed experiences I'm none too happy to have unburied.

Whatever it is you don't want to write about, whatever it is your heart says, "No, anything but that," write it. Let the rubble fall. You'll never truly heal until you get to the bottom of your source of pain. Damn.

Easy words for me to spout to others, so f'ing hard for me to do myself.

"But I am not a sexual trauma survivor," has been my pat phrase. I've got all of the empathy and none of the personal and profound experience. Perfect! Best of both worlds!

Sharing a story in a hot tub of safety a story transfolds. One I've never even told myself, let alone another. Never let myself categorize it as "story-worthy,", had it in the "don't touch this memory with a ten foot pole" spot in my long-term memory.

The f'ing story falls from my lips, into the warm salty water, tears we are soaking in. Tears of each others', tears not shed from our own eyes.

The dot-to-dot of my life finally connects.

F'ing dot-to-dot.

We all send a favorite song of ours to Jess. Music girl, Jess will put a CD together for us, one to take from the workshop and listen to long after our voices are gone.

"Write a blog on why you chose the song you chose," one suggests.

I chose KT Tunstall's, "Heal Over."

I was supposed to be giving encouragement to OTHER women, women with trauma. Women with the worst experiences a woman can ever experience. OTHER women. Not me. I'm the cheerleader! WTF, I'm in the game too? Way more than I bargained from.

Teachers teach what they most need to learn.

I have believed this about other teachers, but not me, I'm a self-realized woman.

F'ing hit between the eyes with the indisputable truth.

Never the same. Never better. Ready to heal over.

(NOTE: While traumatic, I was not raped or attacked. It was not on-going. Don't mean to alarm anyone.)




HEAL OVER, KT TUNSTALL

It Isn't Very Difficult To See Why
You Are The Way You Are
Doesn't Take A Genius To Realise
That Sometimes Life Is Hard
It's Gonna Take Time
But You'll Just Have To Wait
You're Gonna Be Fine
But In The Meantime

Come Over Here Lady
Let Me Wipe Your Tears Away
Come A Little Nearer Baby
Coz You'll Heal Over
Heal Over
Heal Over Someday

And I Don't Wanna Hear You Tell Yourself
That These Feelings Are In The Past
You Know It Doesn't Mean They're Off The Shelf
Because Pain's Built To Last
Everybody Sails Alone
But We Can Travel Side By Side
Even If You Fail
You Know That No One Really Minds
Come Over Here Lady

Don't Hold On But Don't Let Go
I Know It's So Hard
You've Got To Try To Trust Yourself
I Know It's So Hard, So Hard

Come Over Here Lady
Let Me Wipe Your Tears Away
Come A Little Nearer Baby
Coz You'll Heal Over, Heal Over, Heal Over Someday

11 comments:

kario said...

Oh, Carrie. I'm not sure what to say. I am so sorry and so wish that you could have had the opportunity to read last weekend. Next time you're not getting away without fully integrating yourself into the circle so we can all hold you and your pain.

We are all holding it, anyway, you know. I am sending love and light and warmth. You are a marvelously courageous woman and I am so blessed to know you.

Kim Meisner said...

Such a beautiful post--soaking in tears that were not shed is a gorgeous image. I am so deeply sorry that you had to live that terrible experience...but at the same time, I am so happy that you've been able to access it and SO impressed with your abilty to share it. Now it can come to light and finally begin to heal over. (What an absolutely perfect song.)

Love.

Jerri said...

"Everyone sails alone, but we can sail side-by-side."

That's the magic of this incredible circle, isn't it? We sail side by side, buoyed by the knowledge that we're not alone.

Blessings to you, Carrie. So much love.

Michelle O'Neil said...

Love.

Prema said...

A teacher once said to me, when I cursed that there was still more for me to see, that I had to wait until I was strong enough to bear to turn around and look with open eyes. Sounds like you're finally in a safe enough place. Such a mixed blessing, but I believe, good.

I'm sorry for what you've endured, and honored to hold the space when you need that. Love.

grammer said...

Not alone, Carrie, not alone.

I'm with kario, on this: it would be wonderful if you would read next time. You showed such love and support, you held everyone so compassionately as they shared their pain, and their progress through pain. I would be grateful for the opportunity to return the gesture. xo

Jess said...

Oh Carrie, we are so with you. This is the beauty of this circle, it is a safe place to let these things rise to the surface. We can and will all hold this, and you.

You know, reading this, thinking about it and your last post and listening to your song, and finding a new relationship with all this music I love because YOU told me to write about it... I am overcome with something, something I can't really name yet, but something is rising out of all this, hard stories I haven't wanted to tell AND maybe some clarity and JOY... And it is because of what we have all been able to share, how we have been able to honor and hold each other.

Take care of yourself this week and always. And rock on with the brave writing and brave living.

Big love.

Catbird Scout said...

Wow, Carrie. I'm picturing your shining, beautiful face and enormous heart as you took such care of us. Know that I'm holding you and loving you and here.

jennifer said...

Thank you for your courage. And, if you want to have a measure of the terms attack and rape...imagine your child in the situation you endured. It will take no time for your clarity to come to you and then, you can heal and then you can say NO MORE and we can keep rolling up our sleeves and helping those who are saying ...'it wasn't that bad.'

holly said...

"Never the same. Never better. Ready to heal over."

I love that. Love that you feel say and strong and held enough to go to "anything thing but that." Our arms are all around you.

And ditto on the reading ... really missed hearing you read last weekend!

maggie medd said...

Carrie - this is so gorgeous. I realize even more than I knew before that you must come into the circle. You must read with us. Surely we can all help organize once we're there. You belong in the circle. Your story is so important to all of us.

Love you.