CHANGES
I've been thinking about the various crisis points in my life, and how my true friends have always come through for me. I'm discovering that in any transitional period, actually, this is true. Change for the better can throw people for a loop just as much as change for the "worse."
Do we really want each other's happiness? Do we really want to see each other grow to their full potential? Are we really willing to do "anything for a friend," if that "anything" requires a change in us? An adjustment? Some re-alignment? Really? Do we? Not so sure.
Been watching a whole lot of women change this past year. Sad to say, but many of them have been hurt by the friends that resented these changes. Fortunately, many of them had friends that surprised them with amazing support. Not always the ones they would have expected.
I think it's fear that keeps us from being happy and supportive of friends that are going in new directions, possibly "leaving us behind." Nobody wants to be "left," nobody wants to feel rejection. Acceptance is a primal need. So what's the thing to do?
I struggle with all of this. I want others' happiness, but not if it pisses me off. I want others' success, but not if I've tried longer/harder for the same thing. On and on and on the insanity goes. In the end, what else matters but love? Just love, period.
12 comments:
Great post, Carrie. I've finally learned, in my looooong 43 years here on Earth, that the cause of most unhappiness is comparing oneself to others. That's it. You could call it envy, keeping up with the Jones's, grass is always greener syndrome,etc.. No matter where one goes in life, no matter what income level, it's always there. You are so right--the only thing that really matters is LOVE. One cannot be successful without love. We all need to count our blessings, as modest as they may be, daily, for true happiness.
Only when we know that Life is not a zero-sum game can we celebrate others' success and happiness.
Translation: Joy is infinite. When someone gets a giant helping, there's still more than enough left for the rest of us.
All we need is love.
Knife through my heart! You have hit my dilemma exactly. I really WANT to be a good friend. But I hate when it's hard.
I was reminded of this yesterday when I tried to explain to my daughters that it's not a competition. E's life is about E, not competing with L. L's life is about L, not competing with E. As rational as it sounds, I can't say I've fully integrated that into my life yet, either. Live and learn and be fallible.
And love.
Yes, especially for women. Our friendships are so devotional, but how many of us can really ride the waves and GROW together? And do we have the courage to grow when our friends are suddenly back at the last exit?
I'm still working out my kinks, because I totally commented on this earlier today and it's not showing up! So...
Excellent post: I love it when you tackle the tough questions. It's sad when people aren't ready to see themselves reflected in a more positive mirror.
Carrie, what a thoughtful and interesting post. Thank you.
I think Jennifer is right: Making yourself happy is the best gift you give your world. I try to resist attachment to outcomes -- for those I help, or for myself -- and only go where love and inspiration lead me. I check my motivations constantly. If they're not true, I'm gone.
I've also learned that everything can change in a day. I've seen it happen for the worse in my life; I have also seen it happen for the better. The future's unknowable. We are blessed right now.
Love. Faith. More Love.
Serve Warm.
oxo
The better it is for anyone, the better it is for everyone.
Jennifer amazes me with this constantly. She is definately not operating from a place of limited abundance. Maybe it's the Buddhist thing, but she really seems to get that the more you give, the more you get.
It is true as we grow, some friends might not be moving in the same direction, but there will always be others, with open arms waiting to recieve us.
great, thought provoking question.
"I think it's fear that keeps us from being happy and supportive of friends that are going in new directions, possibly "leaving us behind." Nobody wants to be "left," nobody wants to feel rejection." - totally agree ...
change always leads to some divergent paths - hopefully when hurt softens, love delivers joy for the positives that have pulled some people from us and us them. and allows genuine happiness despite our loses.
This is a great post Carrie.
Loss of any kind is hard to absorb, but it's necessary to carve out space for the growing. I really appreciate your honesty and poking at the hard questions. Love.
12 years ago, my mother passed away mere hours after my son was born. She had waited til she knew we were OK. Then my world exploded, and a month later to the day OKC did, too. I tried to salvage what was left of my world, and ended up saving myself by leaving a long, wounded marriage. Many trusted friends and family were lost in the process. Sometimes I cannot bear the pain to this day, but slowly, life and love return. New family, old friends, the waves of life run through me. Be true to yourself. Hugs to all!
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