Monday, February 19, 2007

ACCIDENTS, COINCIDENCES AND OTHER BULLSHIT

My God the world is small. Daily I find a link between two seemingly unrelated people or events. It's weird, kind of freaky, or super cool and exciting. You decide.

I remember being so confounded as a child hearing that God speaks to us, if only we listen. I listened! NOTHING! He was not telling me a damn thing! I couldn't get The Big Guy to give me the time of day!

Now I'm so bombarded with messages I need earplugs.

Enough is as good as a feast already! A little silence please! A break from the unrelenting messages from the Universe? Would it kill ya?

I spent a lot of years "praying" to God. My prayers looked and sounded a helluva lot like wishes. Actually, they were a perverse manifestation of my OCD. The prayers were based in superstition and fear. If I didn't pray, then the bad things the prayers were warding off, would come barreling out and knock me over, probably kill me. A risk I was not willing to take. Certainly the energy I was expending keeping the demons away, left little for the good to come in.

One day I'd had enough. Had it up to here with all that behavior and fear. I was exhausted. I needed a break. Come what may, I was going cold turkey on the vigilant praying. I couldn't keep it up. Period.

Nothing bad happened. Not the first minute, hour or day. I decided to keep stepping over the line of fear I'd drawn in the sand, and walk towards the trust I knew had to be there somewhere. God told us to trust too, didn't He? "God is love," the banner in the hallway said. What I was feeling every day of my life was not love, it was something bad, and bad just wasn't working anymore. Had nothing to lose. Already feeling bad, why not try something else? Maybe feel better? Just a little?

It worked. It works. Don't beleive me, though. It isn't important what I believe, it's important what you believe. Find your own truth, your own way, whatever path leads you to peace and love. Period.

8 comments:

JessPDX said...

Love these last two posts. Thank you. I feel almost like this post is for me (but that happens a lot around here...).

Yes, its about losing the fear and negativity and self-judgment. That is the bullshit.

What I do not love is that I missed both the Oprah shows (I really can't ever remember to watch anything on TV, even when I want to). Maybe you'll lend me your tapes of them.... :)

See ya soon!

Nicole Carroll said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
free spirit said...

Gods Grace is not about fear or guilt...it's about being loved and being forgiven and having hope and knowing peace...Jesus is the gift, he paid the price so you and I don't owe anything...not anything at all...

if they sold peace and Nordstrom, it would be the "gift with purchase" when you "buy" prayer

try again Carrie?

Y O U are in my prayers!

Michelle O'Neil said...

I struggle with this with my daughter. She is so black and white. She says she doesn't see God, or hear God or feel God. She wants something tangible, but how do you explain the unexplaniable? She's like a fish asking about water, "Where is it? I don't feel it?"

Ultimately we all have to find our own way. There is no specific way to "do God." Many paths, one Truth.


(BTW, if it doesn't look like love it must be fear. We're either extendig love or asking for love). Period.

Jesus said...

Free Spirit. Your thinly veiled meanness indicates you've wandered from what I am about.

kario said...

It's amazing how powerful letting go can be. I have discovered that the more diligently I pursue something like love or peace, the farther away it seems. When I sit calmly and figure out how to get right with myself, I find it within me. Thanks for the reminder, Carrie.

jennifer said...

Period!!!

Kim said...

I love this post, and especially the phrase about crossing the line of fear in the sand. Good for you for continuing to move forward, fear or no--you are an inspiration!