Wednesday, February 07, 2007

THE OTHER ONE

I've heard therapy is the place you go to learn it's not the parent you thought you had all the problems with, it's the other one.

Laughed the first time I heard that. How absurd! Of course it was the parent I thought it was. The chain-smoking, morose, reclusive, crazy alcoholic vs. the martyr? The victim? Easy!

Having some problems with the "victim" these days. The whole "victim" thing has grown tired. For me, not so much for her, apparently. She's still playing that role every day and twice on Sundays.

How do you allow one person's drama to play out, if you've stopped being their supporting actress? I know at 76 this dog ain't learnin' no new tricks. I get that. The only person you can change is yourself. I get that. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not the other person. I get that.

AND I am struggling. Strrrruuuuuuuggggggllllllliiiiiiinnnnnnggggggg. One, just ONE "I'm sorry," would really help. Never going to happen. Just one, "I made poor choices that deeply impacted you. I did not put your needs first," would be music to my ears. A song I'll never have sung to me, at least not by her.

Getting it has never been so lonely.

9 comments:

Prema said...

I'm sorry that she's not sorry. That sucks. Good that you are reclaiming all of yourself...especially the one who is waiting for a train that won't come. Let's get her in better company!

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like you recognize it.doesn't mean you have to accept it......but at the same time you know it probably isn't going to change without you initiating a conversation around this topic......do you really want to go there????////

Jerri said...

I'm sorry you feel alone in this pain.

Although it doesn't fix anything you're struggling with here, please know that you are loved. SO loved.

Leslie said...

I've waited for YEARS, Carrie, years, to hear an "I'm sorry" from my mom. For all the ways she messed my brother and me up. For the way she always took my dad's side, regardless of if he was right or wrong. It took lots of reading and introspection to realize that they are in their mid-seventies, and like you said, they ain't gonna change now. So, I'm babying that little girl inside of me, being the mom to myself that I never had. We HAVE to forgive, and remember that they did the best they could at the time, with the tools they themselves were given. love ya, RHDT

Amanda said...

yes! i said the same exact thing last week. my doctor said, what would it mean if you extricated yourself and started seeing the forest for the trees, i said i would be alone. she all but laughed at me. but that was the first thing that came to mind.

Suzy said...

It's a word they don't know. They only know when they need to hear it from someone else. It's all about them remember?

kario said...

You'll get there when you're ready, Carrie. I struggled for years with the same thing, then finally realized I was only wasting my own time and energy. There was truly no explanation that would have sufficed for some of the times I lived through, no forehead-slapping-AHA, that's why you did XYZ, okay, now I get it! Finally came to the conclusion that I could move on or cut ties to save myself and it felt great, but I couldn't get there until I was ready to see it for myself. Give yourself some pampering (doing your taxes and listening to the Carpenters doesn't count) and surround yourself with all the people whom you know are good for you. Insulate yourself with love and you'll get there - on your own time. Love you!

free spirit said...

I'm sorry

jennifer said...

Be the mother you wanted...be that for yourself and you set yourself free. The mother you are for you is very different than the mother you had in the world...it's the hardest lesson of all but one of the most rewarding...to get this means you get duality, projection and the truth about how you are never seperate from yourself. All you need is right there in your heart and for this ultimate discovery, you can thank the her that doesn't say I'm sorry. Thank her for making your path so hard that you have had to search for something, anything, to ease the pain...the search shows you are diligent, it shows you are disciplined, it shows you understand the need to search...in many ways...the perfect mother means a perfectly lazy daughter who is too content for diligence, discipline and a search! What is more interesting? Hasn't this journey been amazing?? Aren't the rewards wonderful? Won't you be able to teach your own daughter the most amazing lessons of all?? Yes, yes, yes.