Friday, October 31, 2008


It's been a week since I've seen "The Secret Life of Bees," but I can't stop thinking about it. It's all the mother stuff, you know.

For a week I've been meditating on the last line of the movie, "I feel her (Mary) in unexpected moments, her Assumption into heaven, happening in places inside me. She will suddenly rise, and when she does, she does not go up, up into the sky, but further and further inside me."

For a week I've been playing the soundtrack to the movie. All. Over. The. House.

For a week I've been lighting the Marys and working on forgiveness.

For a week I've been trying to turn all my "force" energy into "allowing" energy.

Yesterday I went to the Children's Mass at Rojo's school. The theme of the mass was, "Go make a difference," which is what my family always says to each other after our morning prayer time. It's also what Kathleen and I say to each other before we part after our morning walks.

Saying it is the easy part.

As I sat in that church and looked around at all the people who have touched my lives in the nine plus years I've been involved in this community, I was overwhelmed.

They have made a difference.

I go up at communion time to receive my blessing. As I approach the priest, right hand placed over my heart to indicate "Blessing, please, I'm not receiving communion," he looks at me, laughs, and says, "Oh, Carrie," then proceeds with his blessing. It was a moment of total honesty, and I laughed, too. I know I befuddle him. And that's okay with me.

Back in the pew, sitting there all prayerful, I get the message, "Go to Kitchen Kaboodle." WTF???

I think, Surely I am not being asked to go to Kitchen Kaboodle. Why would God/Spirit/ the Universe want me to go there?

It will not shut up.

The only store I can think of is in a part of town I actively avoid. Someone lives nearby that I have decided I don't want to run into.

"Allow," the voice says.

"Shit," says my voice.

I remember there is another Kitchen Kaboodle I can go to, instead, and quickly try to renegotiate with the powers that be.

They're not buying it.

"No," they say. Repeatedly.

So, I rise from mass, and drive my car straight to the damn store, which isn't even open yet, and I think, Some plan YOU have!

Everywhere I look are active reminders of another lifetime, not so long ago.

"Allow," says the voice.

I sit in my car, waiting for the store to flippin' open, and I allow all the feelings to enter. I allow the happy memories of these nearby locations to join some of the regrettable moments.

Finally the store opens, I go in, make a couple impulse purchases, and skitter to my car, eager to make my getaway, having successfully outsmarted the Divine.

Feeling smug, I drive back to my neighborhood/comfort zone. I pull into the grocery store and throw a few things into my red hand basket. I'm starting to fully relax from the close call at Kitchen Kaboodle, and there she is. Right in front of me.

My mother. The person I have the issues with, and had been projecting on to the person I'm avoiding.

The person I'm avoiding? Same person that turned me onto Mary in the first place.

We visited. It was fine. Actually, it was pleasant.

I left, got in my car, drove to the drive-thru bank, finished my transaction, and as I was pulling away, there she was again.

My mother.

No accidents.

Eliza Gilkyson

mother mary, full or grace, awaken,
all our homes are gone, our loved ones taken,
taken by the sea,
mother mary calm our fears, have mercy,
drowning in a sea of tears, have mercy,
hear our mournful plea,
our world has been shaken,
we wander our homelands forsaken,
in the dark night of the soul bring some comfort to us all,
o mother mary come and carry us in your embrace,
that our sorrows may be faced,
mary fill the glass to overflowing,
illuminate the path where we are going,
have mercy on us all,
in funeral fires burning,
each flame to your mystery returning,
in the dark night of the soul your shattered dreamers,
make them whole,
o mother mary find us where we've fallen out of grace,
lead us to a higher place,
in the dark night of the soul our broken hearts you can make whole,
o mother mary come and carry us in your embrace,
let us see your gentle face, mary.


Kathryn said...

Okay, the first cry of the day. Carrie, this is beautiful. Thank You. No accidents, indeed.

BTW, my greatest friend in the world was named Kathleen. She passed away before my son was born. So, when I read about you and Kathleen saying go make a difference, it really tugs at my heart. Kathleen was like that. A great teacher and soul friend.

Anonymous said...

Go make a positive difference.
Rojo does everday.

Michelle O'Neil said...


Joanne said...

Mary, Star of the Sea. Every August on the Day of the Assumption, many people here step into the sea with a prayer (Long Island Sound) to honor Mary.

Jerri said...


Angie Ledbetter said...

Carrie, that gave me goosebumps and made the long hairs on my legs stand up. ;)

The statue in the picture is one of my favorite manifestations of Mommy Mary -- Our Lady of Grace. No coincidence there, considering your divine day. (She hangs around unnoticed with graces falling from her fingertips like jewels and very few people ask for some of those grace gems. I think you got a basketfull!)

This is one of the best posts I've read anywhere, so thank you for sharing. Doesn't it feel nice to know you followed divine guidance even when you didn't want to AND got to know why immediately? Wow.

PS Long ago, I had to pray for the desire to forgive, as I wasn't ready yet to jump right into the forgiving. If today didn't do the trick with your person/issue, you might give that a try.


Jess said...

Beautiful post. Thank you.

Go Mama said...

OMG. OMFG. And there she is. Wow.
You must have been ready for this healing.

Sending you Love.

kario said...

Allow, indeed. I think it would be great if you took a moment each day to stop and let the love everyone else has for you flow toward your center. I'm betting you would be knocked on your ass.

What a full day. Hope it ended with a glass of wine and a hard sleep.


deb said...

I'm reading The Secret Life of Bees right now. It's even better than the movie, although I was amazed at how closely the movie followed the book.

I'm a great believer in Mary, even though I'm not Catholic. I read a book called Our Lady of the Lost and Found a few years ago, it's about Mary taking a vacation from her life.

Think the universe is trying to tell you something.

Deb said...

I'm with Kari. You make such a difference in the lives of the people you love and who love you back that if you could feel even a part of that you would never need to run again.

This is one of my favorite of your recent posts. Much love to you.

Amber said...

I adore you. :)

Re: Secret Life... I KNOW!!!!!! Oy, that story just freakin' KILLS me. I watched the movie last Sunday, and it gets me, too, because of the "mother stuff"...Oh, that longing. Oh that need to learn to forgive and love at the same time. God, it kills me... How right the author got it.



Me said...

I saw this movie the other day and thought of you. Weird?