BARE NAKED
The white Target desk I built for my daughter years ago, has replaced the large antique library table I've been using to do my writing for the last few years. I inherited the table after my uncle died. A single bullet to the head ended his life twenty years ago next month. Actually, two weeks from today, March 2nd. Two weeks from today. Fourteen days. A fortnight.
Twenty years ago he made a decision that I still cannot reconcile. I understand his struggle. I understand his pain. I understand having reached the end of what one can endure. But I don't understand the pulling of the trigger. That's where my understanding ends. Thank God. I am thankful I have never been to the very brink like that. That depth of despair has not been mine to know. I am grateful.
I needed new energy in my writing space. The daily reminder of him both held me in his love and kept me pinned to his despair. So I moved it out, and brought in a piece of furniture that has no history, no memories, no character, no baggage. No pain. It is bare. It is naked.
As I close out my power year I look for newness, change, fresh starts. Bareness. Nakedness. Mine to dress as I please.
I will use these two weeks, this fortnight, as a tribute to my uncle. I will allow myself to fully experience the pain in my life, with the belief that at the bottom of it there is a turning point, not a finality.
While some of you, dear readers, have let me know my "melt down" is painful for you, I am truly sorry. I want to complete what I've started, though, it feels important. It feels like the difference between life and death.
Death.
Rebirth.
The last of winter before the spring.
21 comments:
Do what you have to do.
"While some of you, dear readers, have let me know my "melt down" is painful for you, I am truly sorry.
Nothing to be sorry about.
The sharing of your "melt down" is an honor. A privilege I do not take lightly.
We both know that the other side of pain is an enlightenment we need to grab onto to continue.
Always with you,
Love.
Suzy
You got it sister; you are on a good red road. Truly. I honor your process. Furniture does hold vibration and your awarness of that shows how tuned in you are.
Great photos, Carrie.
And the "melt down" is absolutely part of the process for many of us. William James discusses this in his classic The Varieties of Religious Experience - that there are "twice-born" as well as "once-born" types.
Okay, Suzy got my words - again! You so don't need to apologize to anyone for anything. I'm honored and inspired to be sharing this journey with you. It's the avoidance of the pain that cause all this crap in the first place. So proud of you for being willing to walk through. Please know that you're not alone and that you're held in the loving folds of many hearts.
big big big, ms. link. writing true and blue in this one. you feel so grounded to me. searching, but grounded. it's all good, even the pain part. remember my friend panic? just another F'in bump in the road. everybody around me survived, and i did too. melt it all down, melt down and around and away. this group is here to find you.
now you've got me thinking about my desk... xo tg
"While some of you, dear readers, have let me know my "melt down" is painful for you, I am truly sorry.
Nothing to be sorry about.
The sharing of your "melt down" is an honor. A privilege I do not take lightly.
--I so wish I was Suzy--so able to share and give without judgement. I have such a long way to go.
So funny to get up today and see that picture. The view from my new bedroom is just like that, tree and sky, and I wanted to write about it but I'm not quite there yet, still exhausted from moving.
I absolutely get your desire to move through the pain fully. I'm with you there, totally. No apologies needed whatsoever.
Much love to you in the process, and Happy Bday again!
Amen
Love
Lo:)
Carrie I am forever glad to know you.
You are a bright and powerful soul.
Carrie,
Meltdowns are part of the process, it we don't really get into our emotional "stuff" and get stuck on an intellectual level, we are not making true change and resolving our "issues."
That is why people get so upset with therapy, you go there to feel better, yet it can be so very, very painful for a while, before the light comes. You are on the right path and you are not alone.
Keep moving foward, keep growing, keep believing in yourself. Your an amazing, beautiful person! I am so glad I know you.
Love and more love.
I find beauty in leaveless trees. It's a stark beauty but beauty none the less. The complexity of the branches in a seemingly random pattern. Plus you know it will leaf again soon. :)
Don't you love Tracy's advice? "Melt down and around and away."
That's it, Carrie. Melt down the walls, the barriers, the old stuff that hold you in place. Then you can build more open, more flexible, more comfortable places for body and soul.
Melting, rebuilding, writing, exploring, loving.... Whatever you're doing, we're happy to be along for the ride. And always here to support you.
You wrote a profound and beautiful piece a while back (also centered in your work space) where you talked about clipping dead leaves from your plants and tossing them into the compost, creating rich nutrients for new life.
Melting down is composting. You are like that little tulip bulb, six inches under the frozen ground that will not be deterred; a strength and force that will push back up to find the light.
I agree with Suzy.
RBYS
I have the worst time loading your comment page for some reason but today it worked and of course I can't remember all the comments I've wanted to make for the past week because I have menopause brain.
Just to let you know I am reading and thinking.
I love when you ride the center of that wave, Carrie, because it's just what's true...and that's ALWAYS refreshing and beautiful.
And if someone is uncomfortable with that level of reflection then it just gives them the opportunity to examine their own life at the same level. That's a favor.
Go, girl. We have your back. Do your work, as it calls to you, full on.
Love.
I agree with all that have written "The sharing of your "melt down" is an honor and a privilege I do not take lightly."
Get rid of that table. It is time. I finally stopped wearing a piece of my mother's jewlry ten years later. I was just holding on to the pain. You are right, it is time to start anew.
Ditto Suzy. Ditto Holly.
And ditto you:
love.
Oh, please, melt down! It helps me to see I am human, especially when one as grounded as you works through her pain and difficulty with such grace.
I will allow myself to fully experience the pain in my life, with the belief that at the bottom of it there is a turning point, not a finality.
This is a profound wisdom, and so I honor your work to get to the bottom of things and indeed, find the turning point.
Blessings and love. May you find the grace of your journey...
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