Monday, June 08, 2009

TORTURED SOULS - RELEASED

For weeks I've known it was coming: the anniversary of my father's death, June 7th. A man who didn't want his own grave, but wanted to be cremated and buried between his parents. And so he is.

Yesterday was the 13th anniversary, and through some psychological "trick," I "forgot," I didn't think of him all day long. It wasn't until this morning when I pulled off yesterday's page-a-day calendar and saw today's date, that I caught myself.

It's amazing what we can block when we want to, at least in the mind, the body always knows. And those around us. Felt a sense of ennui all weekend, a restlessness, a vague and nameless sense of ill-being.

But now it has a name: grief.

Thirteen years later it's not so much his death I grieve, as his life. He was a tortured soul. It made him a challenge to deal with, but now, in death, there has been healing, understanding, forgiveness. As my brother says, "Dad and I are getting along really well now."

He's come to my brother in a dream - just one, but he didn't say anything. "He's not at a place where he can communicate yet, but he's getting there," my brother explained, and I believe him. I haven't had a single dream about him. Yet. I know that soon I will, and that our souls' journey together will move to the next level.

And that will be something I will never forget.

11 comments:

deb said...

I like your brother. I've come to a better understanding of my father since he died as well. Take care.

Wanda said...

I suspect that my relationship with my father will reach new levels after his death, too. I like your brother.

I am glad to hear of your healing.

Robin said...

The first step of dealing with an emotion is naming it. Thirteen years are forever ago and just yesterday. Peace...

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Wishing you - and your father - continued release.

Lola said...

This is beautiful. Thank you as always, for sharing.
xo

Amber said...

((you))

:)

Suzy said...

It's interesting and sad, that we can communicate better after they have passed.
It's when we both can finally listen and hear each other.

Love you

Suzy

She said...

Wow! I needed this today. The anniversary of my father's death is next week, and even though I was young, I believe there's a reason I don't forget -- there's a connection.

I still grieve what could have been!

Thanks for sharing this!

kario said...

Here's hoping the journey will give you both peace.

Love.

Teri said...

I have only had one anniversary of my dad's death, May 31st. The girls came home from school for the weekend. I'm not sure if it was for me, for them, or just needing to be together. All of the kids and Bret acknowledged the day in their own way with me. Some days I am so excited because I feel like it is getting easier, but then I feel like I'm not ready for it to be easier. Grief is a confusing emotion/state/season/.....

Deb Shucka said...

Love to you.