Friday, December 28, 2007


I throw the I Ching and the answer to my question comes. I have a lot of questions. I'm confused about a lot of things. Don't know the things to say or do to make things "better" and doing nothing feels like doing nothing. So I throw the I Ching with this question in my mind, "What do I do now?" The answer comes, "There is wisdom in the disinterested truth."

I had not heard this term before, don't know how that's possible with a family full of lawyers, but I was familiar with the concept.


The end of desire.

I put on my chains and drove the last 60 miles yesterday going 25 MPH in a wintery storm. Some of the drive was treacherous. Some of it was still. And peaceful. And so, so beautiful. White, white everywhere.

While I made this drive, I let one song play over and over on the stereo, "The End of Desire" by Jennifer Berezan. The chorus soothed and kept me company all the way.

"It’s high as a mountain it’s deep as the sea
It’s wide as a valley
It’s full and it’s empty
It’s everything I want when my wanting retires
It’s all that begins
at the end of desire
the end of desire"

Now I'm here, safe and nestled, fully cozy and lacking nothing. It's easy to not desire when you are not lacking.

Driving over I felt a deep resonance that attachment causes suffering, and peace comes at the end of desire. I also believe in the Law of Attraction, and that what we want we draw towards us. How do we live with both? How do we end desire, and ask the Universe for what we want? Are these not opposites?

Now, feet up inches from the wood stove, rocking back and forth in the antique chair, I try to hold these two beliefs and see how they might have more in common than first meets the eye.

Control. That is the difference. We end our desire for control. We don't end our desire. We want health. We want happiness. We want peace. We must end our desire for controlling how that all comes to be, how that looks, how that will shape up.

Live and let live, right? Live simply so that others may simply live? How do we love someone, and end our desire for controlling them? How do we want what is best for them, without controlling things how we see best?

When I asked my question, "What do I do now?" I wasn't really asking that. I was seeking affirmation that what I wanted to do was the right thing to do. I was not interested in the disinterested truth. I wanted the truth to be my truth, that with the right plan in place, I could control the behavior of another.

H.H. says, "Yes, I am a Buddhist. I have a strong faith toward Buddhism, but I should not have an attachment toward Buddhism. If I attach myself to it, then that's against the essential teachings of Buddhism."

A disinterested truth.


Kapuananiokalaniakea said...

WOW! You've hit the proverbial nail on its proverbial head. Thank you.

CP said...

Okay...let go of the idea of being in control....I can do that...EXCEPT....not with my children, and not with my work, and not with my family, and...AAAHHHH!

kario said...

Whoa. Okay, I'm there with you. The thing that has always gotten me in trouble is expecting to know how it will look and feel when I get what I asked for. That's one habit that is so hard to break.

Thanks for this. Thanks for doing the work for me this morning - figuring it all out, threading through the knots and twists so I could just follow. You've earned yourself a hot cup of coffee and some chocolate.


Terry Whitaker said...

I'm with Kario!

Michelle O'Neil said...

Teacher, take an A.

holly said...

Beautiful. That's so it.

Are you in sisters? I'm sooo jealous - i wanna get out of here and into the mountains!


Eileen said...

Surrendering is so difficult, letting go, truly turning it over to the spirits that be ....not being in control is such an up and down road. Stops and starts. Do really well, totally back at the begining. All part of the learning process, it is how we strengthen and grow. It can be one of the most painful, if not the most, painful parts of the journey. Keep focusing on the solid base that you have worked so hard to build..the truth really is in you.
Such an amazing, insightful post Carrie. You had me up thinking about it most of last night. Make sure you stay true to the teachings and don't get caught up in any "games."


Nancy said...

Wow Carrie,

I spent the day today wrestling with control and the lack of it. Within myself and those around me. I attempted to put it into words with no success today and then stopped to read this.
How do we love someone, and end our desire for controlling them? How do we want what is best for them, without controlling things how we see best?"

thank you!

Kathryn said...

Yes, you're so right. The difference is control. How I must learn this lesson over and over again. Today I have been attempting to get to the essence of what I desire vs the need to control what that looks like.

Casdok said...

A beautiful picture and a beautiful post.