Saturday, August 04, 2007

2:00 AM is Total B.S!

This is at least the 4th time this week I've awakened, pried open my bleary eyes and looked to the digital clock to tell me it is 2:02 AM. It is at least the 4th time this week I am sitting at this damn computer and eating a bowl of Flax & Seed Trader Joe's cereal with 1%. This is at least the 4th time this week I am too lazy to put on sweatshirt, too cold to be comfortable.

I'm trying to look at the bright side, at least I did sleep a few hours before this... A few is better than none, right? More is always better, right? Why do we, as an American culture, subscribe to this thinking? Why do we use words like "subscribe?" Now I'm thinking of magazines! What is with magazines? Once you subscribe you immediately start getting the "Your subscription is about to run out," notices in the mail. What is up with that!? I don't like the scarcity tactic being used for marketing! I will not re-up my perfectly good magazine subscription just because you are threatening me! This is the very kind of thinking that wakes me in the first place, and keeps me from falling back asleep. It's a little thing I like to call "OCD."

Part of what has me in my OCD blender mind tonight, or is that this morning, is the fact that I put my foot in my mouth not once, not twice, not thrice, but four different times yesterday, with four different people, all virtual. It would have been the day to keep my fingers far from the keys, locked up and forbidden from doing any damage, but no. I just HAD to keep e-mailing like a lunatic until I'd managed to obsessively and compulsively respond to all in-coming with such speed, I lost all track of what I was even doing. I'd like to say that will never happen again, I've learned my lesson, slow down, breath, take my time and do things right the first time. I'd REALLY like to say that, but, well, uh, you know, just not gonna happen!

I have a new slogan, it's "The Rule of Three." I've tried to apply it to myself before, but apparently I need to be reminded of my own damn rule. Before I respond to something, I need to apply at least three minutes, hours or days before acting. That's fair, isn't it? Everything deserves at least three minutes of reflection, doesn't it? In some cases, 3 hours would be even better, some need 3 days. Some probably 3 weeks, months, years or even lifetimes, but who are we kidding? I can hardly put 3 minutes of space between me and a full reaction!

I'm going to shut this thing down, march myself back to bed and apply the Rule of Three to sleep. I will breathe deeply at least three times. I will not pop up from that bed for at least 3 more hours. I will not not buy any more of that cereal. I'm sure that's the problem.


Eileen said...

Hey Carrie, I don't know why you are hurting, but I am sending a cyber hug. You are strong, deep down you know where you need to be. Don't be afraid to go there. Everything always works itself out, despite the pain of changes. Wishing you inner peace. XOXO

Michelle O'Neil said...

My grandmother used to say,

"But that foot just tastes so good."

Jenny Rough said...

Felt like I could've written this post. I was up all last night too because I put my foot in my mouth.

P.S. Michelle, what a great quote by grandma!

kario said...

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture - I truly believe one of the worst. My hubby swears by the tactic of not getting up, not turning any lights on, just lying there in a comfortable position until he falls back asleep and he ought to know - the jet-lagged world traveler.

Breathe and feel the love coming your way. Don't worry about your feet - I'm willing to bet the people you emailed understand.


Jerri said...

Deep love to you, deep peace.

holly said...

Yes, 2 A.M. IS total bullshit.

but, at least the cereal is good. And so is Michelle's grandma's quote.


Suzy said...

Foot in your mouth huh?

Mabye they just don't want to hear the truth.

Ziji Wangmo said...

Oh, no! I hate that. I that feeling off puuting your foot in your mouth, then replaying it over and over again in your mind. A nightmare!
No wonder you were up at 2:00 - you had 4 different scenarios to repeat in you mind!
Totally get it - you just have to say "no" to the OCD.
Or throw back an ambien...
oh yea, and it helps to FORGIVE yourself, too.
luv u.

Deb said...

Love. Breathe. Love.

Kim said...

Man, can I relate to the foot in the mouth thing, not to mention the 2 am thing.

This is one of my favorite quotes in the world. I remind myself of it all the time:
"Love your old mistakes like broken, helpless animals
and they will heal
and they will bring you home."
-Marion Winik