Friday, May 12, 2006

LOOK IT UP

With the divorce rate being 50%, and even higher for couples with a special needs child, I thought it appropriate to put together a little gossary of terms to help better the odds of surviving. When either partner is at a quandary, a quick point of reference should clear-up any confusion.
  • ABSTINANCE: 1) The most assured way of not becoming parents again. 2) A phase that may repeat itself with some regularity, and is not to be discussed, nor used against, either party.
  • BRIBERY: A perfectly legitimate method of parenting a child with special needs.
  • CONCENTRATE: Something you used to be able to do, prior to having children.
  • DEVIL: The one with whom you repeatedly offer deals.
  • EXERCISE: see "concentrate"

  • FUN: see "exercise"

  • GOD: The word proceeding "dammit".

  • HUMOR: The only thing that will pull you out, and keep you out, of the pits of despair.

  • IRRECONCILABLE: What 70% of all marital issues are, so get over it.

  • JEALOUSY: A perfectly understandable emotion evoked by seeing happy families enjoying an activity together.

  • KINKY: What your garden hose is, and you are not, as your garden hose has more energy in reserve for that kind of thing, than do you.

  • LUSH: What everyone who drinks daily is, except for you.

  • MURDER: What you're nearly driven to, day after day, week after week, year after year.

  • NEIGHBORS: The people that live right next door and have perfect children that aren't allowed to play with your children.

  • OBSCENE: What are likely to be your special child's first words.

  • POOP: That with which your life and spousal conversations revolve.

  • QUIET: That for which you'd kill to have.

  • RULES: Those things that other families have that don't apply to your kids.

  • SCAPEGOAT: The reason you stay married. This way nothing is ever your fault.

  • TIRED: No longer something you feel only first thing in the morning, but your standard operating condition.

  • UTILITARIAN: The word used to describe your wardrobe, car and home decor.

  • VIGILANTE: A mean word some school personnel use to describe you.

  • WACKED: see "vigilante"

  • X-BOX: What you'd happily run right out and buy for your child, if only said child would poop in the damn toilet.

  • YAWN: Your primary form of exercise.

  • Z's: What you used to get before you became the parent of a child with special needs.

2 comments:

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