Carrie Link

LOOK IT UP

With the divorce rate being 50%, and even higher for couples with a special needs child, I thought it appropriate to put together a little gossary of terms to help better the odds of surviving. When either partner is at a quandary, a quick point of reference should clear-up any confusion.

• ABSTINANCE: 1) The most assured way of not becoming parents again. 2) A phase that may repeat itself with some regularity, and is not to be discussed, nor used against, either party.

• BRIBERY: A perfectly legitimate method of parenting a child with special needs.

• CONCENTRATE: Something you used to be able to do, prior to having children.

• DEVIL: The one with whom you repeatedly offer deals.

• EXERCISE: see "concentrate"

• FUN: see "exercise"

• GOD: The word proceeding "dammit".

• HUMOR: The only thing that will pull you out, and keep you out, of the pits of despair.

• IRRECONCILABLE: What 70% of all marital issues are, so get over it.

• JEALOUSY: A perfectly understandable emotion evoked by seeing happy families enjoying an activity together.

• KINKY: What your garden hose is, and you are not, as your garden hose has more energy in reserve for that kind of thing, than do you.

• LUSH: What everyone who drinks daily is, except for you.

• MURDER: What you're nearly driven to, day after day, week after week, year after year.

• NEIGHBORS: The people that live right next door and have perfect children that aren't allowed to play with your children.

• OBSCENE: What are likely to be your special child's first words.

• POOP: That with which your life and spousal conversations revolve.

• QUIET: That for which you'd kill to have.

• RULES: Those things that other families have that don't apply to your kids.

• SCAPEGOAT: The reason you stay married. This way nothing is ever your fault.

• TIRED: No longer something you feel only first thing in the morning, but your standard operating condition.

• UTILITARIAN: The word used to describe your wardrobe, car and home decor.

• VIGILANTE: A mean word some school personnel use to describe you.

• WACKED: see "vigilante"

• X-BOX: What you'd happily run right out and buy for your child, if only said child would poop in the damn toilet.

• YAWN: Your primary form of exercise.

• Z's: What you used to get before you became the parent of a child with special needs.