Tuesday, October 30, 2007




Yea, see, I haven't blogged for awhile because I've just been super busy behaving like a caged animal. I'm going to blame it on the memoir. I'm still writing the damn thing. I can't tell you what draft I'm on now, I keep mixing old with new - let's call this draft a hybrid. Let's also call it what it is, pure torture. It's double the torture right now because I'm working with my writing teacher and she's "making" me go "three layers deeper" in the extra hard to write about parts.

She tells me once I finish this process I'll be able to permanently move past it - there will be great healing. And I believe her. I've seen the healing take place in some of our students that have allowed us to push, push and push some more until there is breakthrough. Otherwise, it's just a state of perpetual transitional labor with no baby to hold in your arms at the end.

So, I'm in the transitional fire. Pretty much feeling all aspects of that ring of fire, too, as I approach the final push. My skin is breaking out, my stomach is a mess, I can't sleep, I am not my usual delightful self. I'm on my own last nerve. When I do nod off for my little night naps, I dream of death, fire and suicide - all symbols of transformation and re-birth (or psychosis).

So I light candles, incense, play pretty, soothing background music and make myself my own midwife. I build a fire and wrap in down comforters, sitting at the hearth with a cup of ambition. I drink lots of water. I take breaks and watch "Seinfeld" on DVD for a laugh. I am going to birth this baby if it's the last thing I do. It's feeling like twins in the breach position right now, but that's OK. I've been through worse, as the memoir will attest. I've also seen the other side of suffering, and know the peace that is possible, as the memoir will also attest, when I am done. For that's the whole point, isn't it? Wisdom born of pain? Profound compassion and peace? Love, love and more love?

13 comments:

riversgrace said...

Holly and I are reading, shoulder to shoulder, wondering what happened to you. Way to go, Carrie. In these difficult, intensely acute moments, feel the circle of women around you. We're here, holding the space, every moment important now.

If you need a hand just call out in whatever way feels right.

Weaving around you as you birth your life...

Anonymous said...

I guess I'll be thankful for a shallow existence. Life might be just too short to go that deep. On the other hand might be too tortureously long not to.
ps could you clean up my spelling errors and what have you..........i'm a tad tired of looking like an idiot.......well not really

Michelle O'Neil said...

In her book Leaving the Saints, Martha Beck says "religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have already been there."

Love, love and more love as you push through this stretch.

You are worth it Carrie. You are so worth it.

kario said...

You already know how I feel about what you're doing. I am in awe of your strength and perseverence. I am so sorry for the pain and anguish you're feeling right now and I'm sending light and love your way every minute. What a beautiful idea to finally be past all of this! Keep your eyes on the prize, girl.

Suzy said...

So glad you are blazing the trail...

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I have so many versions all over my writing room, the dogs are beginning to read them.

You are in the best possible place, because you are the best.

Love you.
Suzy

Jerri said...

Me, too. Holding space as you work, I mean. Whether you post or comment or not, the circle is with you, patient and true, reflecting the love and wisdom you radiate to each of us.

Love.

lo said...

Amen to love Carrie.
Lo

La La said...

I can't wait to meet this baby, hold her in my hands and read her pages, laughing and crying while I cradle her close to my heart and listen as her story unfolds. I want to see how she looks, the great title and the wonderful image(s) that draw me into the wonder of the life captured there in words that speak universal truths to me and others!

Keep writing. You're doing great. You are a "pearl of great price and a treasure in the kingdom."

Kim said...

Oh, sweet Carrie, I am so sorry you are going through this, and yet so happy--for you and for us, all of your readers and friends and devoted fans--for all that will come from it!

To reiterate everyone, we are so here for you, for whatever you need. I'm so glad to read that you are drinking water, keeping warm, and generally taking care of yourself. You take such wonderful care of so many others, all the time, and it is time to direct more of that energy to yourself.

You were already amazing before this work, so I can only imagine the superstar that will rise from this ring of fire!

I am sending you boatloads of love period.

Julie Christine said...

Wow! What a difficult but ultimately gratifying process you are going through. Always a pleasure to read your words, Carrie.

Deb said...

God, I love your honesty! Just here with you, loving, holding, rocking. You inspire me with your work and your courage and your own unique self.

Go Mama said...

Thanks for sharing your process with such candor. As you push through this, trust that the other side will be amazing, and your strength will inspire many.

Keep going Carrie...

Love.

Ziji Wangmo said...

Keep on truckin'...I've heard some of your memoir and want to hear more. Good work isn't suppose to come easily...is it?