Thursday, October 15, 2009



HEALED BEHAVIOR

"A blossoming tree becomes bare and stripped in autumn. Beauty changes into ugliness, youth into old age, and fault into virtue. Things do not remain the same and nothing really exists. Thus, appearances and emptiness exist simultaneously." HH the Dalai Lama

My friend, Deb, used a term with me only once, but it so resonated that I've never forgotten it, have now stolen it, and use it approximately 100 times a day.

Looking across from the table at me as she nibbled on her wilted spinach salad, she listened as I described a particularly upsetting encounter I'd had with an individual. "That's not healed behavior," she simply said.

Just that. No judgment. No blame. No solution, just a deeper layer of understanding to help me see what I was seeing and hear what I was hearing.

Five years ago I set off to write a book. Instead I wrote a series of pieces, threw them all together and named it Fully Caffeinated. Then I started a blog and called it Fully Caffeinated. I wrote all over my life, the beginning, the middle, the now, the ups the downs, the spiritual and rants. After spending a few weeks alone the summer I turned 44, my "Power Year," I came back and wrote a memoir about that transformative time.

However.

I wrote it immediately after that summer. While all the emotion of that time is there on the page, the healing was not. Quite simply? The book is not an example of healed behavior.

It is with great thought and no small amount of grief, that my agent and I have decided to stop pursuing the publication of UNSTRUNG, at least in its current state. There are parts of it that still bring me to tears, those parts are beautiful. Those parts are helpful. Those parts are healed. And perhaps it is those parts that will find their way into the new book, which for at least now remains nameless and faceless.

I'm not good with open ends. I'm not good with uncertainty. I'm not good with change.

I'm working to heal that.

So it can be on the page.

18 comments:

deb said...

That would be difficult, to let go of that dream, to move on. I can imagine.

Deb Shucka said...

Now that's healed behavior coming from a healing heart. I love you.

jess wilson said...

That's big stuff and I can't imagine how hard it must have been to have made that decision. But there's a maturity in it that I envy and I would hope a peace of sorts that comes with it. Whatever comes of it, it will be right because you are following your heart.

Love.

pixiemama said...

Wow. Wow. I want to ask "are you OK?" but you sound SO OK.

LOVE!

Jamie said...

This must have been so hard for you to decide, good for you for doing it I commend you!! I am sure that the new book will be amazing and healed! I love your friend's comment as well - I might steal it!

Wanda said...

Out of the ashes the Phoenix rises.

You, too.

Jerri said...

Namaste.

Kathryn said...

As hard as that decision must have been, Carrie, I await with great anticipation, even more healing and insights that come from this second look. Who knows what may come?

Jenny said...

Soooo looking forward to reading Unstrung...in whatever form it emerges on the page...

Ask Me Anything said...

Now I have to grieve, too. I was so looking forward to its unveiling. But I love how perfectly Deb nailed the term, and you embraced it and made it real.

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Oh, Carrie. How difficult this must have been, must still be. But I think I understand. It's weird, but I've been at a crossroads with my own unpublished book - finished, ready to go, but definitely not healed behavior. Love.

Lori said...

What a great thought - healed behavior. I can think of a dozen examples in just yesterday where I needed to hear that myself.

Now the big question - how do we get to healed behavior? The eternal journey begins, yet again...

Nancy said...

When God closes a door, He opens a window. The next step will be the right one for you...no accidents.

Amber said...

You are so amazing. I am so THANKFUL that you and your words are in my life. (yes, it is alllll about moi). You share so much, and I just want you to know that it matters to me so often. Even now, this stepping back is an inspiration. You are doing what is good for you, hard or not. I see it. And I know this is not the end of your story-- someday it will be right. I will be here to read it.

;)

Lola said...

WOW-it's part of the bigger picture-you know that right!?:)xo

Go Mama said...

Wow. This is a big decision. I feel the enormity of it, and yet, also the freedom of letting go to allow the new to unfold. (From one who has let go of quite a few heavily invested, big, projects.) I FEEL you sistah.

Much love and support coming your way to whatever wants to unfold....in whatever form....

kario said...

Mmmmm.

You are a brave, brave woman.

I adore you.

I also adore "Unstrung" and I will forever cherish my copy of it.

For.
Ever.

She said...

I love you so very much!