GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS
On my bad days I watch my son's friends move through the neighborhood as a pack - without him -and I'm sad. They are laughing, joking, throwing a ball around, hanging. He's back home hanging with Elmo.
On my good days I'm thankful for this bunch of boys that are kind to him. They walk to school with him each day. They humor his quirks and laugh at his jokes. I know that even if they did ask him to join them as they roam the neighborhood, he'd say no. He's happy with how he's spending his time, and does not feel left out.
On my bad days I worry about the future. I worry about high school. I worry about what comes after high school. I worry about growing too old and too tired to continue caring for him, but not trusting that anyone else can do it as well as me. I worry about what will happen to him when I'm no longer around to worry.
On my good days I see how every step of the path there have been angels. There have been people that didn't need to go out of their way to help, but did anyway. I trust that Rojo's life is not an accident and he's been graced with an abundance of guides, both physical and spiritual, and he will be fine. He will be better than fine, he will thrive.
On my bad days any illness he has makes me ill and any wellness makes me well. I allow myself to be fused.
On my good days I see that we are indeed, two separate people. I take back whatever emotions I've given him to hold, and give his back to him. I differentiate.
On my bad days I list all the things that need addressing, all the changes that need to be made, all the goals that need to be accomplished, and a panic rises within me and threatens to snuff out my very life force.
On my good days I list all the things we didn't think he'd ever do, and is doing, all the ways he's surprised and delighted us, all the ways we've been so richly blessed by him, and my heart is overcome with gratitude and appreciation.
On my bad days I eat, breathe and sleep special needs. It's all consuming and I hate it and myself for falling into that trap.
On my good days special needs takes its place in my life - a big place, but just a place, not my whole life. I am able to laugh, enjoy, and just be.
On my bad days I'm wracked with scarcity: there's not enough time, not enough money, not enough patience, not enough help, not enough.
On my good days I'm struck by the abundance all around me. All around him. All around.