Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Light a candle for softness
Light a candle for friends 'til they come through
Light a candle for warm kind love
Light a candle for me and you
'Cause there's a reason we've come here
Are we holding back
Or are we willing for connection
While knowing what we hold most dear
Must eventually surrender to its own direction

(Chorus of "Harmless Love" by Ferron)

A funny thing happened on the way to a life without Paxil: The backlog of emotions that that wonderful med held back (and I'd make the same decision to use it all over again - it was a lifesaver at the time, nothing short) are making their presence known.

My challenge these days is to "be" with them.

I'd prefer to numb. I'd prefer to get extraordinarily busy, and have no time for them.

And/or I'd prefer to process every little detail with trusted friends, effectively externalizing the process, when what it feels I'm called to do is nothing. No thing.

Nearly impossible.

But nearly is not the same as totally, in fact, they feel like they're on two opposite ends of a spectrum.

On Sunday I reached some point of surrender - Let come what may, was my prayer. No more super hero efforts at holding back the tide. All my expectations, wishes, plots, plans, unfulfilled desires, all of it -be gone, I thought.

And so, when on Monday morning the e-mails started coming, I wasn't all that surprised. The Universe is swift and compassionate. Somehow I tend to forget that.

Some doors were opened, some were closed, and some still swing back and forth, and I'm working (hard) to just watch them swing, and not rush in and hurry up the process, eager for "done" over "resolved."

The Dalai Lama teaches that if you can't be of help, don't be of hindrance. Be harmless.

Harmless love. I like that. I think that's what I'll "do" today.


Suzy said...

Today??? You practice harmless love every fucking day.

Love you


kario said...

Sitting right there next to you, my friend. The more you sit with those tough emotions the less frightening they get.

Love you.

holly said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful plan. I'm taking it to heart. And I will sit next to you.


Jerri said...

Lighting a candle for softness right THIS MINUTE!

Harmless love is a big concept. Requires lots of practice.

Michelle O'Neil said...

Great plan. Beautiful post.

Amber said...

"Let it be, let it be, oh let it be, oh let it be...wisper of wisdom, Let It be..."



Deb said...

I'm glad you're applying it to yourself. I'm sitting on the side of you that Kario is not, holding you as you feel. Love and blessings. You will come through.

Lori said...

I have to ditto Suzy here.

It's okay to try going without the Paxil. It's okay to succeed. It's okay to still need it. No matter what, it's all okay. :))

Angie Ledbetter said...

Wow. By the sharing here, you are making room for the "dealing." Bravo to you, girlie.

She said...

"Light a candle for friends 'til they come through"


And you are an amazing woman!

I so get the emotions coming up after the Paxil. Been off meds myself for a year, and yep, the emotions come up and out of us!

Sitting with them is a tough one!

I'm holding space for you!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this.

Nancy said...

Harmless love. Really something to work toward and perhaps more challenging than it sounds. as always, you inspire me.

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