Wednesday, July 25, 2007



HEALING RAGE

Just signed up for a "Celebrating Rage" retreat in September taught by Ruth King. I had the pleasure of meeting Ruth in May when she was in Portland on her book tour. She is a dynamo, to say the least, and has obviously walked her talk, as the last thing this woman exudes is rage. She is peace. She is joy. She is love. I think I am well on my way to being those things, too, but I'm certainly not "there," and so, I'm hoping this retreat will give me a big shove in the right direction.

Turns out, the two types of women that have the most unexpressed rage, typically, are the survivors of sexual trauma, with whom I work, and the "good girls", perfect daughters, got it all togethers, of which, I am. Unexpressed rage? Me?

I took Ruth's on-line questionnaire, DISGUISES OF RAGE and guess what? My disguise is "Devotion" with a couple of impressive "Distraction" tendencies, too. Hmmm...

With new eyes I look back at my life, and my responses to stress. Got some eggshells you want me to walk on? No problem! Got some problems too big for you to solve and you'd like me to solve them for you? Happy to! Treat me like shit? I'll dedicate my life to making that work. I know you can change if only I love you more/better/differently. It's all up to me. You don't have to do a thing, and I wouldn't dream of asking you!

For far too many years I've taken this responsible thing too damn far. I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I've got the dents to prove it. Here is where I'm stepping off. Who do I think I am to exaggerate my "importance" in the scheme of things? Isn't that the same as arrogance? The whole world will spin out of control if I let go? Hardly! In fact, it is fascinating to sit back and observe how little/much things change when I do let go.

As I sit at this kitchen table again this morning I marvel what my husband has been able to get the kids to do in my absence. Rojo has made major milestones. Major. Two things I'd given up ever seeing him do he is doing. No problem. My tight grip was actually the problem, not THE solution! Can't wait to see what else happens while I'm over here massaging the deep grooves from my tired shoulders.


THE GIRL WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IN HER HANDS - The Indigo Girls

She won't recover from her losses
She's not chosen this path
But she watches who it crosses
Maybe move to the right
Maybe move to the left
So we can all see her pain she wears
Like a banner on her chest
And we all say it's sad
And we think it's a shame
And she's called to our attention
But we do not call her name
The girl with the weight
Of the world in her hands

Cause we're busy with our happiness
And busy with our plans
I wonder if alone she wants it
Taken from her hands
But if things didn't keep getting harder
She might miss her sacred chance
To go a consecrated martyr
The girl with the weight
Of the world in her hands

I wonder which saint
That lives inside a bead
Will grant her consolation
When she counts upon her need
It makes us all angry
Though we feign to care
But who will be the scale
To weigh the cross she has to bear
The girl with the weight
Of the world in her hands

Is the glass half-full or empty
I ask her as I fill it
She said it doesn't really matter
Pretty soon youre bound to spill it
With the half logic language
Of the sermon she delivers
And the way she smiles so knowingly
At me gives me the shivers
I pull the blanket higher
When I'm finally safe at home
And she'll take a hundred with her
But she always sleeps alone
The girl with the weight
Of the world in her hands

I wonder which saint
That lives inside a bead
Will grant her consolation
When she counts upon her need
It makes us all angry
Though we feign to care
But who will be the scale
To weigh the cross she has to bear
The girl with the weight
Of the world in her hands

10 comments:

megg said...

hi there! I am going to take that quiz as soon as I write this - I loved this, even though it made me nervous. One of the hardest things for me to be in ANGRY - RAGING. I guess I must actually need it!

Oh, and I love the Indigo Girls - they have been my fav. since I was 14! Thank you for the song today!

Terry Whitaker said...

I see so very much of myself in your words. When does she come East?

Michelle O'Neil said...

Love.

kario said...

Your continued dedication to understanding your own impulses and relaxing in to your own skin is so inspiring, Carrie!

Love you.

Kim said...

Such incredible work you are doing, Carrie. You are an inspiration every single day.

Eileen said...

I am reading her book right now. How lucky you are to be going to her workshop. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. So well put and close to home that it was almost hard to read. XO

Bossy Boots said...

With new eyes I look back at my life, and my responses to stress. Got some eggshells you want me to walk on? No problem! Got some problems too big for you to solve and you'd like me to solve them for you? Happy to! Treat me like shit? I'll dedicate my life to making that work. I know you can change if only I love you more/better/differently.

Loving your writing and you know what, I think you those I.G. have nothing on you when it comes to lyric.

riversgrace said...

LOVE this post, Carrie. To my horror, I'm pretty full of rage. Who knew. So many practices aim to skip over it, bypass it, avoid it, deny it, etc. Seems to me now that the deeper you dig, whatever is under the layers arises....to be released, to be healed, to be transformed.

Love your insight. Razor sharp and humble all at once. And the writing delivers it seamlessly.

Deb said...

In awe of your growth this summer and the beautiful inspired way you're sharing it with us

Thanks, too, for the reminder that the "good girls" don't have it so easy either. For so many years in my efforts to become a good girl to compensate for the trauma girl, I believed that was the answer. It's lovely to know that we're all seekers of light together. So honored to be traveling with you.

Suzy said...

I can't figure out the way to score it.