Sunday, September 09, 2007



NOT A MARK ON 'EM!

Haven't taken both the kids to the grocery store for so long, I'd forgotten why. Now I remember. Here's a snippet for your reading pleasure. Now, if you didn't know already, you'll understand why it's essential I remain fully caffeinated at all times.

FYI: C = me; L = my daughter, W = my son

BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE...

C: We only need four things at Safeway. Four. You can each pick out one treat, so that makes six. Does everyone fully understand the concept of "six?"

L: But what if it's not on the list but we really need it, and it's not a treat for me, but I want it, does that count?

W: I want my treat to be a maple doughnut and a maple bar, but I am only eating the frosting, don't forget. That is not two treats, that is one treat, because they are next to each other. Promise you won't forget that I want a maple bar and a maple doughnut. Promise that if they don't have maple doughnuts I can get two maple bars. Promise that that is only one treat. Promise, don't forget. Do you promise you won't forget? Do you promise we can get one maple doughtnut and one maple bar, or two maple bars and that is only one treat? Promise you won't forget?

C: I promise I won't forget.

GETTING OUT OF THE CAR, APPROACHING THE STORE...

C: L, please take these bags in for me, and put them in the recycling bin.

L: I'll do that, but if there's a pop machine right next to it, can I get a pop? Pop is a beverage, that's not a treat. Please, Mom, can I get a pop if I take the bags in for you?

C: No. Give me the bags. I'll carry the 2 ounces of plastic all by myself, thank you very much.

W: I want to pick the cart!

L: I want to pick the cart! Mom! Please? I never come to the store with you, and W always does. Isn't it my turn to pick the cart?

C: L, you are 13. Please bear that in mind. In the mean time, I will pick the cart.

IMMEDIATELY ENTERING THE STORE...

L: Oh, Mom, I see Oreo Cakesters! Please can we get Oreo Cakesters? They are 2 for $5.00, that's a REALLY good price, Mom! They don't count as my treat though, because they are for my lunches at school. We will need to get two boxes, since they are 2 for $5.00.

C: No Cakesters. And it is not against the law to only buy one of something that is 2 for ____.

L: But they might not let us, Mom, we better get two boxes, just in case.

C: No Cakesters.

W: Can we go get the maple doughnut and maple bar now, please, Mom, can we?

C: When we get to that part of the store, it's on the other side from where we are.

W: Can we just go to that side now, Mom? That is my favorite side! That is the side I love? I am in LOVE with that side of the store! Please, Mom, can't we go to that side of the store first? Promise? Don't forget! I LOVE that side of the store. It is my favorite part of the store. Promise, Mom, you will take me to my favorite part of the store first?

C: Fine.

W: Oh, THANK YOU, Mom! You are my sweet love! You are the best mom in the world! You are not mean like Lois on "Malcolm in the Middle," you are the best mom ever! Thank you for taking me to my favorite side of the store first!

L: I see Tide Free, Mom, we really need to get Tide Free. Remember how you said my excema is bad and we need to switch laundry detergent? That is tht kind I want, Mom. Can I go get some?

C: I already have some, we switched months ago.

L: Well, I will just get more in case we run out.

L: Oh! I REALLY need shaving cream for my legs, Mom. The kind you bought me makes my excema bad.

C: Use soap.

L: I can't possibly use soap!

C: I've been using soap for 44 years and never had a problem!

L: I CAN'T USE SOAP! Don't make me use soap! Soap runs off and then I cut myself. Do you want me to CUT myself?

C: Fine. One can.

L: But it's 2 for $5.00!

C: We've been through this...

L: FINE! I'll just get ONE can! Geez!

W: Can I get "Grips?" Mom? I LOVE Grips! I am in LOVE with Grips! Please, Mom, can I get Grips? Please? Grips are my FAVORITE!

C: No Grips. I am still cleaning up the orange residue all over the house from the last box of Grips.

W: But I will wash my hands this time! Please can we get Grips?

C: No Grips.

L: Mom, I TOTALLY need these markers for school.

C: You've been in school 2 1/2 days and I sent you with $50 worth of school supplies then, including markers.

L: But these are the markers I REALLY need, Mom. I'll just get them and then I'll have extra if someone doesn't have any. I'll share.

C: No markers.

The three of us proceeded this way until they fought over who gets to bag the groceries, who gets what in "their" bag, who gets to put it in the cart, etc. Our trip to get 4 items cost me $86.72. While it appears cuckoo, please keep in mind that all of L & W's words fell on top of each other. There is no "waiting for your turn to talk," when you have 2 kids with ADHD, off their meds and fully excited about the joys of grocery shopping. We nearly rammed our cart into people at least 10 times. We nearly were hit by a car in the parking lot twice. I nearly hurt someone with my bare hands countless times.

And lest you think Corona and lime were among the extras, don't kid yourself. Those were the first two items on my list of four!

13 comments:

Kim said...

Oh, this is hilarious! I LOVE really getting to hear their voices.

Get this mom a double shot of espresso, stat. And get those Coronas chilled immediately!

Deb said...

I'm exhausted just reading this. Marketers everywhere are singing hallelujah! Is the Corona caffeinated?

Michelle O'Neil said...

You deserve every summer off. Period.

Jenny said...

Your sense of humor is great. And funny moms are the best!

Jerri said...

In the words of an immortal mother, "Not a mark on 'em."

And if that's not a miracle, there none.

Eileen said...

I think Daddy-Man needs to do all the grocery shopping with the children. Seriously, this sounds very familar to me, only my girls end up fighting in the middle of the store. Yep, nothing like screaming and tears in Wegmans. Personally, I like to go alone with my friend Kim, it's my big night out. First stop, Coffee Bar.

Terry Whitaker said...

This makes me miss them both incredibly! When I was there, we made the same trip, but only with W. We got the maple bar and donut first--but then he spied the GRIPS. God love 'em. God love you. Cheers.

kario said...

I'm telling you, I'm calling the Safeway nearest you and telling them to start a home delivery program right now! No mother should ever be subjected to going to the grocery store with her children. Ever.

P.S. you rock. you really, really rock. I'm having a glass of wine for you right now!

Nancy said...

Grocery store + ADHD + No Meds = Corona and Coffee. Makes perfect sense to me...

Suzy said...

How come you get to have all the fun?

I would love to be there with the 3 of you.....

Ziji Wangmo said...

Unbelievable! I'm with Michelle -
You deserve EVERY summer off!
xo

grammer said...

In its own quirky way, this is simply beautiful. I love when you write the interactions as dialogue with nothing else. You do this so well! xo t

Courtney said...

This was an incredible post!