TAKING IT DOWN

I know I've mentioned The Wailin' Jennys recently, but they bear mentioning again.

Last night during Beer O'Clock, my husband, son and I, all watched "Seinfeld" together, and suddenly saw a commercial for the new Dairy Queen waffle cone sundae. I said, "I'll take one of those, please!" and forgot all about it, happy with my Corona and lime and the little reprieve from the busy day.

The show got over and everyone scattered to go back to their homework, housework, and "must dos," I went back on the computer and became aware the house had gotten really, really quiet. Shortly after, I saw my husband's car pull into the driveway. He'd taken both kids to Dairy Queen. He bought me a waffle cone sundae.

Not because I was serious.

But because he is.

He loves me.

The brick wall around my heart loosened with that simple act of pure love.

That's all I'm asking for.

Simple.

Pure.

Unconditional.

love.


TAKE IT DOWN
Take everything that we've had
Take it and burn it to the ground
Some things never meant to last
Take it down, down, down
Take it down
Take it down, down, down
Take it down

I'm still married too little
That ain't no place to hang around
My love is 50 feet tall
Take it down down down
Take it down
Take it down, down, down
Take it down

RE-VISIONS


I woke up this morning dying to get out of bed and to the computer. My notes from my editor came this weekend, and I was eager to get going on the revisions.

Re-visions.

Seeing something again. And this time, with new eyes.

When I got to my desk I noticed that my peace lilies had begun to bloom.

I looked up the symbolism of lilies and discovered they represent purity, chastity, and innocence. White lilies represent the purity of the Virgin Mary.

Next to each peace lily I have candles depicting the Virgin de Guadalupe.



I had forgotten to blow them out last night. They burned while I slept, and when I awoke, there were blooms.

Re-visions.

No accidents.

EARTH, WATER, FIRE, AND AIR

According to the science of astrology, all of us fall into one of twelve signs, and each of those twelve signs fall into one of four categories. Although I am Aquarius, The Water Bearer, Aquarius is an air sign.

That pretty much sums it up. I'm an odd mix of seemingly two opposites. Someone told me the other day they felt I was becoming stronger, and gentler, both at the same time. I took that as a huge compliment. That's how it feels on the inside, too.

I'm stronger about what I know to be true. And one of the things I know to be true, is that that truth must be self-determined. Each of us must find our own. It can't be begged, borrowed or stolen. It must be ours, outright, from the depths of our soul. I'm becoming gentler in allowing others the time and space to find their truth, and less anxious to shove mine down their throat. I've still got a ways to go on that.

I am researching agents that might help me take my truth and put it out into the world. I am finding that my truth strikes a nerve, or a chord with others, depending on how you look at it. There go those seemingly opposite notions again.

Can a chord and a nerve be the same thing?

Is it worth reading anything that doesn't make us twitch and nod in agreement, both?

Just how far am I willing to go to share my truth? Am I willing to be judged, shamed, shunned? And, perhaps just as hard to imagine and accept, is the possibility that others will validate and recognize my truth as part of their own. Am I ready for that?

I used to think that fire was a symbol of destruction. I am now looking at fire as a symbol of purification, transformation, and renewal.

As I move through another revision of my manuscript I take the pages I am done with, crumble them up and set them on fire. Sometimes literally, but more often figuratively. All those pages that were written and didn't "go anywhere," were they a waste? Or were they just part of the process? In their burning there is purification. The words that rise from the ashes are the truest words of all.

Truth.

Mine.

HERBS DON'T LIE

Last summer I was given herbs to plant in the high desert of Sisters, Oregon. I planted them. I watered them. I loved them. I spoke to them. I sent them blessings and prayers. I tended to them dutifully, even when summer turned to fall, and it didn't look good for the herbs.

When fall turned to winter and deep snow lay on them for months, I prayed they would survive, have the fortitude to dig deep and hold on.

Now, as winter is slowly turning to spring here in Sisters, I see what I tried not to see.

Those herbs never had a chance.

Herbs just don't grow under these conditions.

It occurs to me that lots of other areas of my life I've tried to force, have suffered the same fate. No matter how much love and attention I give them, they just don't stand a chance. They are not meant to be. The conditions are just not compatible.

Some things are like that.

COMEBACK, by Claire and Mia Fontaine

I stayed up last night and finished COMEBACK. Wow. It is so rare that a book grabs me and won't let go. I LOVE when that happens, even better when I learn deep truths while being grabbed!

* What are the payoffs for your SLBs? (Self Limiting Behaviors) There is a reason why we keep doing what we do, what are those reasons?? Sympathy? Control? Approval? Getting to be "right?"

* "Being a victim gives you an excuse for not being accountable for your own life. Blame is a wedge against feeling powerless."

* "Transformation will not tolerate mediocrity, it will not tolerate fear."

"Caretaking is never about the other person. It's about wanting to feel needed because you're afraid you're not wanted. Can you see the connection between that behavior and the belief that you're not good enough?"

* "CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION"

* "Control is always about fear."

"We live by two things - love and fear. Every choice, every thought, every action stems from one of these, and when your time comes, when you reach out - if you reach out - it's love that will save you. Love will get you through everything."

COMEBACK

This is the book I'm reading right now, a memoir by Claire and Mia Fontaine, mother and daughter, and their journey into hell and back as Mia goes deep into drugs and Claire yanks her out and puts her into an intensive year-long program in the Czech Republic.

It's riveting. As my daughter is on the cusp of becoming 14, this topic is of particular interest to me. What I am finding to be fascinating is the approach the program takes with the kids, military-like obedience, discipline, accountability and an in-your-face self-awareness process.

And what is double extra intriguing to me is that the same in-your-face self-awareness process is used on the parents. Some of the things they beat into the parents are:

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS - results never lie. Your results will always tell you what your real intentions are, or were, consciously or not.

What are you pretending to not know? You always KNOW.

Silence is the biggest power play there is.

They go on and on about SLBs, Self Limiting Behaviors, to both the kids and parents. And, like they say, results never lie. They get results. Dramatic results. They know that if the kids do all the hard work to "reform" and come home to the same dynamics, they will be sabotaged, so they make the parents change too. Imagine that? One guess who has the harder time changing.

I "took off" to find myself last summer, "left" my daughter and "just took off," and got a lot of heat about it. A. Lot. I maintained it was largely FOR her I was doing it. If I didn't discover myself, I was leaving her the legacy of figuring out MY mother, me, AND her, at least, and that just didn't seem like a fair load to dump on your first born. Society didn't agree with me, and society let me hear it. My daughter though? She was pretty cool with it.

With the help of a few key friends and the process of memoir writing, I got in my own face to discover my SLBs. I'm sure I missed a few, but I got the biggies. When I came home I was keenly aware of my SLBs, and have worked hard (some would say to the exclusion of all else) to eradicate them.

My daughter and me? Our story is far from over, but I do believe well begun is half done, and I look towards the rest of her teenage years with hope and eager anticipation. I know who I am. I know why I tend to do what I tend to do, and I try hard to catch myself doing it. If my mother had done this for herself, I would have had a huge head start. That's OK, she did the best she could, I know that for sure. But I know better, and am trying to do better. I hope that by the time my daughter is a mother she will know "best," and show "best" to her daughter.

Good, better, best.

Things are moving in the right direction.

JENNY, MY JENNY, PART II

Want to LOL???? Watch this: "In the Motherhood"

Want to hear about My Jenny's new book, MOTHER WARRIORS, click here.

HARMONY

Jess turned me on to another amazing group, THE WAILIN' JENNYS. Jess is very generous and offered me her extra ticket to last night's show, but it didn't work out that I could go. Instead I downloaded all their music and have been listening to it non-stop. LOVE THEM!!!!! I love harmony. Don't we all? All. Kinds. These three have harmony NAILED!

I want more harmony in my life. In fact, I am keeping a chair for harmony. Here are the lyrics to one of their songs that particularly speaks to me, particularly speaks to the biggest obstacle between me and harmony, letting go. Particularly hard for me to do. I'm so good at hanging on. I am taking away "Hanging On's" chair. It's gone.

BEGIN
by Nicky Mehta
To hear them perform this song live, click here.

Hey, maybe the time
just wasn't right to hang on
When are you gonna learn
Sometimes things turn instead of turn out
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
Me, with a head full of words
And not one useful expression
Hey, let go
We, with holes in our hearts
Were whole at the start
Our story began
We film ourselves 'til the end
Try to suspend our lives in the dark
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
See, there's a sun in the sky
And a moon that will take us til morning
When are you gonna stand
Stop and begin this moment
Hey, let go
Let go



* Photo from www.stevehiggs.com

GRIEF

Grief's a strange beast. Sure, there are stages we've all been told about, but what we seldom hear is how these stages are fluid, and cycle, and seem to come back around on themselves with a random quality to them. And I think, too often, we limit our thinking of grief to only mean death.

Death is a relative term.

Lots of things die besides people.

Dreams die.

Plans die.

Friendships die.

We give birth to children that defy the "life" we thought we wanted, and we are forced to let "die" that aspect of our futures.

Marriages die.

The status quo dies.

Careers die.

Fame, prestige, social status dies.

But, as Eckhart Tolle says, life is not the opposite of death, birth is the opposite of death.

Things, besides people, are born.

New friendships are born.

New marriages, sometimes even from the rubble of an existing one, are born.

A sense of wholeness and purpose that defies status, fame and prestige is born.

True peace is born.

Acceptance is born.

Detachment is born.

Compassion is born.

Grief continues to cycle and sometimes grabs us by the throat when we least expect it, but we do not need to keep a chair for it. We can "touch it with gentle awareness" (another Eckhart Tolle-ism) and not resist, nor judge it, but simply say, "Well, hey there, grief! I see you've come to visit again!"

That's what we can do. I'm not saying that's what I do, but those are the chairs I plan to keep. A chair for birth. A chair for newness. A chair for hope. A chair for love.

JENNY, MY JENNY


Jenny, my Jenny, pass the Kleenex, was just in Portland with her work for Generation Rescue. Generation Rescue was started in Portland, and was the first place where Jenny began to find answers for her son's autism recovery. Jenny, my Jenny, now sits on the board. But this woman doesn't sit. She stands. Barefoot. "High heels are bullshit." How do you not LOVE a woman that calls it like it is?? Generation Rescue has created a film, Autism Yesterday, which I just watched. Pass more Kleenex, please. I wasn't able to score access to Jenny's talk in Portland, but I have friends in high places, and one of them DID go, and she stopped by my house today to tell me all about it, and present me with my autographed copy of LOUDER THAN WORDS.

I know the picture above is backwards, so I'll spare you the need to find a mirror, the book says, "To Carrie - Come to Washington D.C. with me! (heart) Jenny McCarthy." I believe she accidently forgot the "My Carrie," part, which is totally understandable as there was a huge crowd and time was of the essence.

I guess Jenny speaks to a lot of mom's groups, and my friend in high places told My Jenny that we have one here, and there's a chance the next time she comes to Portland she'll be joining us. Which is totally exciting, and just makes good sense if My Jenny and I are going to get our Washington D.C. trip all ironed out!

So. There you have it.

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, THE ANSWER IS NO

I came up with that one a couple days ago. What do you think?

I've been testing my new theory, and I can't find one example in my life where it doesn't apply. Every time I had doubt, and needed to ask someone(s) to help me decide something, it was because my heart already knew the answer was no, but my head wanted it to be yes. I wanted to take the wisdom of my heart and put it before a committee. And we all know that's what a camel is, right? A horse designed by a committee.

If you have to ask, the answer is no.

A yes? A true yes? Does not need a second opinion. It does not leave doubt. It does not feel dubious. A true yes is just that. True. Solid. Peaceful.

If you have to ask, the answer is no.










*Photo from Jupiter Images

JUST HAD TO SHARE...


1) Kario makes an excellent point, coping and resolving are not the only two options! There is happiness! Oh yea, happiness! What a concept!!!! I hope my posting did not imply that there are not perfectly viable reasons for being on meds to do MORE than cope, to actually be happy! Thanks, Kario!

2) "K" of Mary Christ infamy, had another good one yesterday. My daughter, "L," said, "Oh my gosh!" And K said, "Gosh is the same as God, that's just his nickname!"

3) Do we LOVE K????

HOPING FOR COPING

I'm Paxil-free these days, after six years of daily dosing and six LONG, HELLISH, BRUTAL, NEVER AGAIN weeks of withdrawal! (BTW, thank you to so many of you that expressed concern!) I originally went off the meds cold turkey, but then was (wisely) advised that was not smart, and did a taper off. I got it all the way down to five little milligrams but when I went from 5 to zero, I still went into a total heroin-like withdrawal cycle that seriously, I think should be considered a viable form of capital punishment.

So. I'm feeling good these days. Really good. Giddy good. Good, good and more good.

So many people have asked me about why I started taking them in the first place, and why did I choose to stop. It's a little like the question of, "What happened?" It's complicated.

I got a little annoyed, actually my pain body became activated, last week when Oprah got on her high horse remarked on the webcast with Eckhart Tolle, that we live in a culture where people just pop a pill to avoid their emotions. I think that does a gross disservice to her audience when she says stuff like that. While that may be true for some, I have never met a person that did not strongly, carefully, and with great hesitation, consider taking psychiatric medications. It's the same beef I have with those in the media that say we DRUG our children, rather than dealing with them. Again, some may do that, but I dare say the HUGE majority of parents consider this a LAST resort, not a first, and unless you've been in a situation that calls for this kind of decision, you aren't allowed to vote. Period.

So, in a nutshell, I went on my meds six years ago when my anxiety was debilitating. I don't mean when it was a tad uncomfortable. I don't mean when I felt a little edgy. I mean when I was DEBILITATED by it. Going to the ER with panic attacks thinking I was dying, unable to eat, sleep, drive a car, care for my children, DEBILITATED. That's when I went on meds. And I'm glad I did and I'd make that same choice all over again. Definitely. I did not have the LUXURY of "feeling my emotions," and "just being with them." Six years ago I had a five year old with needs so special I couldn't place him in a school, not even the ones for "kids like him." I had a seven-year-old that needed a mother. I had a husband that needed a wife. I did not have the opportunity to "deal" with what was bothering me at that time, I could only survive. I could only cope. I could not transcend. I could not plummet the depths of my emotions for deeper meaning. It. Was. Not. An. Option.

But now it is. Now coping is not the order of the day. Resolving is.

There are times to cope and times to resolve. Period. And don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise.

MARY WAS A FEMINIST??

I've spent the weekend with 13, almost 14-year-old girls, soon to graduate from 8th grade and face the big world of high school. This is particularly big since they've been in school together since kindergarten, in their small, one class at every grade, school.

After having this amount of time with each other, truly they are more like siblings than friends. They know each other inside and out, for better or for worse, and tease and call each other on their "stuff" in a way that can only be described as impressive! I've gotta think they know an intimacy in friendship that is going to serve them well when they find life partners.

Here are my favorite snippets:

Inside Safeway where each girl (3) was given a little basket and told, by me, that they could go fill it up with junk food for the weekend, but they had to have at least one "food, food" item in it, too.

A: Can I get Herbal Essence?

Me: Do you NEED shampoo?

A: No, but my mom doesn't let me buy that kind, and I really want to try it.

Me; Let's skip the Herbal Essence, then.

A: How about Fabreeze? Can I get Fabreeze?

Me: Do you NEED Fabreeze?

A: No, but same thing as with the shampoo...

A: How about a Fabreeze CANDLE?? THAT would be really cool!

Me: OK, let's stick with food this time, but I'll totally get you a Safeway gift card for your birthday, and you can go NUTS!

*********************

Inside Hollywood Video as they try to agree on a movie:

K: Let's get "Pearl Harbor" it's SO good!

A: BORING!

L: I don't want to LEARN, this is the weekend.

K: Let's get "Titanic!"

A: I don't want to cry!

L: I don't consider watching boats, entertainment.

***********************

After watching their selected movie, "Saved," and fighting to tell me all about it, simulaneously:


K: It was SUCH a good movie! I've seen it before? And the girl was Catholic? And her name was Mary? But she wasn't Mary Christ.

L: Mary CHRIST?

A: Who is Mary Christ?

K: Yea, you know, Jesus, Joseph and Mary Christ? It wasn't that Mary.

A: Who wasn't that Mary?

L: How do you you know that was Mary's last name? Maybe she kept her maiden name!

LOVE, PEACE and APOLOGIES

I had an interesting morning. There are a group of us that get together once a month in support of each other as we raise children with special needs. Today we met at my house, and one mom arrived early to extend an apology to me. This woman didn't owe me an apology, not in my mind anyway, I had honestly not given "it" a thought, but in her mind she did. Then another mother stayed after everyone left to do the same thing! Again, I hadn't even felt the smallest of twinges towards either of these women. Zero, but they felt the need to apologize.

I went upstairs for my e-mail hit after they all left, and there was a third apology in my inbox. This from a person I felt did owe me an apology, but whom I had long given up any hope or expectation that that would ever happen. But it did.

What I find so interesting is what we hold on to and what we let go of. Why do we wear the horse hair vests for some things and not for others? Our internal process of what we continue to feel guilty about and what we don't, and what we easily forgive, and what we don't, all that fascinates me.

My own process is faulty with a capital F! I'm still PISSED that when I had a substitute teacher in 2nd grade she gave every kid an STP Auto Racing sticker EXCEPT ME! PISSED! But there are things people have said and done "to me" that I've totally forgotten about, until I'm with a group of friends and someone says, "Remember when...." and then I dimly do.

Another mother at our gathering today commented on my blog "A Still Life," and how that piece touched her. I told her that what never ceases to amaze me are the insights I gain from my own writing. Like I said, I'm an extrovert, I integrate by writing/sharing information with others. When writing that piece just a couple days ago, I realized something SO obvious. No wonder I don't like sitting down at a dining room table with others, especially in my home, I have nothing but GOD AWFUL MEMORIES of this! In the house we live in right now we/I turned the whole dining room into a family room! Our table is now in the foyer of our house, it's the first thing you see when you walk in the front door. It's a lovely table and flowers look gorgeous on it. I do not like the chairs to be drawn up, though, I much prefer them up against the walls. And we don't dine there except on very special occasions. Period. I've effectively removed all possibilities of being held hostage at our table. And I didn't even realize I'd done it. Wow.

So, readers both known and unknown to me, please forgive me. I apologize for anything I've ever said or done that hurt your feelings. I apologize for ever making you feel less than the wonderful, soulful, doing the best damn job you can people that you are. I apologize for times I've said more than I should and for those times I should have spoken up and didn't. I apologize for not seeing what's right in front of me, but instead have dwelled on what is unimportant. I apologize for those times I've been holier than thou and for those times I've not well-honored your holiness.





*Photo from the University of Oregon - no accidents, in Eugene, Oregon, where I grew up.

THE LAST LECTURE

I seldom watch TV, and I NEVER just sit down, turn it on and start flipping. But I did last night, and of course, say it with me, THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS! I tuned in just in time to see Diane Sawyer's interview with Randy Pausch. OMG. I am telling you, that man is INSPIRATIONAL! And how about that wife of his? Wow. (And her haircut could NOT be any cuter.) And how about when he said Hollywood will never be able to make a movie of his life, because there isn't an actor alive beautiful enough to play his wife. Huh? How about that?

Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University, computer science. His class size swelled from the 50 registered, to the 150 that actually attended, as students brought in their friends and PARENTS to hear him speak. Evidently in the spring of each year Carnegie Mellon has a speaker give "The Last Lecture" of the year, and Randy was this speaker. Ironically, he had recently learned he had terminal cancer, and indeed, this lecture would be his last.

I don't want to spoil the rest, you've gotta just watch the lecture yourself. It's worth. Every. Minute. I've already 1-Clicked the book and can't wait to read it.

To be inspired, click here.

So, how many of you are in class with Eckhart Tolle and Oprah each week? I am so curious as to how many of my readers are doing this.

This is at least my fourth run at this book, and I'm still far, far, FAR from full integration, but I have had the following breakthroughs:

TOP 10 AHA MOMENTS WITH ECKHART

10. That whole heaven/hell, Devil/God thing I grew up believing in? BOTH IN US, one is called our true selves, one is called our PAIN BODY!

9. You can't argue with a pain body!

8. It's nicer to say to yourself, "Oh, I see that their pain body has been activated," as opposed to my usual, "WTF! They are a total whack job!"

7. Nobody is going to awaken before they are ready. Like forcing flowers to bloom you may get "results," but they aren't natural/organic/authentic.

6. We already know the answers to our deepest questions, then we just put a lot of words on top to keep our pain bodies busy. Our true self always knows. Always.

5. Everything that "happens" is a chance to practice stillness.

4. As soon as we "need" to win, we've already "lost."

3. No amount of personal work is going to force change in another. Our personal work is personal, and IF it affects others, than that's great, but cannot be the impetus for our change.

2. People in our lives that say one thing and do another? They may not actually be psychotic (see #8), they just may have dense pain bodies that are easily activated. Their true selves believe what they are "saying," but their pain bodies are "doing" another.

1. Like attracts like. You cannot be peaceful, truly peaceful, and have everyone "against" you. It just doesn't work that way.

A STILL LIFE

A little birdy told me you are sick of reading lyrics on my blog. Same little birdy that bitched about gently mentioned being sick of reading about my dreams. Well, hmmm... that's a problem, isn't it, because I listen to a lot of great music and dream a lot of dreams, and if I don't blog about them, how in the hell am I supposed to actually integrate their wisdom? I'm an extrovert, that's what we do. We integrate our knowledge by sharing it with others. No need to thank me. Your own integration is all the thanks I need.

Well, I'm back on Lucy Kaplansky. She has one song that I'm particularly obsessed with right now, the one that speaks of a still life. A life that is still.

I want more stillness in my life.

I NEED more stillness in my life.

But a still life?

Not. So. Much.

Isn't the trick to find stillness within the ever changing circumstances of life, rather than to get the circumstances to stop and be still?

My dad lived a still life. He moved from bedroom to kitchen table and back to bedroom. That's it. He lived in a 2,500 square foot house, technically, but his life was spent either sleeping off a drunk in one room, or actively building one in another. Nobody called him. Nobody stopped by. He kept a fully packed suitcase in his closet but never went anywhere. His life was still. His body was still. Stillness, though, eluded him to his dying day.

That's no life.

At least not for me.


LUCY KAPLANSKY
Still Life

Sadness is a little boy looking
Out the window high above the city,
Counting statues of people on the buildings,
Thinking that the people are forever,

He wants his father to be a statue,
On the rooftop of his fatherless home,
So that he can always see him,
So that he will never leave him,

Late at night in the darkness of his dreaming,
His father's words fall down in a rainstorm,
And the words become hands that will guide him,
Through his life in the world just beginning.


You cannot live in bronze or stone,
Make your life in flesh and bone.


Stranded is a man no longer searching
For the life he had hoped for and imagined
Courting fear instead of a woman,
Holding sorrow as his only companion

Counting days like his money in the markets,
And watching life from the window in his office,
Maybe one day I'll have the courage,
Maybe one day I'll sail across the ocean.

But I feel safe in the light of my computer,
This is how I choose to live,
Fixed in stone a man will wither,
Running waters are the life of the river.

You cannot live in bronze or stone,
Make your life in flesh and bone
Remember me...

Frightened is an old man limping
Through the park on a dark December day,
He stands frozen at the base of a statue,
And he hopes for a warm hand to help him,

Tonight he will dream that he is flying,
Over banks of a river he remembers
His father's voice will echo all around him,
His father's hands will hold him in the sky,

Now I can sail across the ocean,
Now I will sail across the ocean,
Now I am sailing across the ocean.

I cannot live in bronze or stone,
I must live as flesh and bone.
Remember me, remember me, remember me...

*Photo of Renoir's "Still Life With Peaches"

Funniest thing Rojo said yesterday...

Knowing that "capice" means, "understand?" he said to me after giving me a long lecture about our basketball schedule for the day and upcoming week, "Mom? Do I capice myself?"

Yes.

Yes you do, Rojo. You capice yourself. And I think I understand you too. At least I'm tryin'.

CORE BELIEFS

"Your identity is built over your lifetime from the core outward; 'core beliefs' are the ones learned early on. Core beliefs are deeper, more fundamental, and harder to change than the outer layer ones. Changing core beliefs is potentially threatening to your identity, because you have built your life around the core. Changing a core belief could be like changing the foundation of a house: hard to do without tearing away some of the house." Max Highstein

With wild abandon I jab, cut, remove cords that tie me to people with whom I no longer choose to be tied. These energetic ties are strong, but they've got nothing on the strength of my beliefs, particularly those that are old, old, OLD.

What are the beliefs I hold at my core? On what is my "house" built? I have worked so hard to eradicate these, but they are stubborn little balls of "ick" that lie in my center, and bring doubt and confusion to what I truly "know."

TOP 10 CORE BELIEFS OF MINE

10) Sharing good news is bragging, and simply not done.

9) My happiness is selfish.

8) Give, give, give then give some more, and don't complain. To whom much has been given, much is expected.

7) There is scarcity. I must "feed" everyone first, and then IF there's anything left over, I may eat.

6) Hiding my light under a bushel is the humble/modest/only thing to do.

5) If others aren't getting what they want, I shouldn't be getting what I want. This life is a race and we must all arrive at the finish line at exactly the same time, because while it's a race, I want everyone to "tie."

4) I can and should cheer others up. I can't be happy until they are. The gloomier someone's outlook is, the harder I need to try, and the longer my own happiness will just have to wait.

3) Life's not fair. Some people are lucky and some people aren't. I'm lucky, and that's not fair. I must minimize my luck to balance it with others misfortune.

2) We are all where we are because of the choices we make, but it's my job in the world to make sure everyone makes good choices. I have power over the choices of others.

1) I can make others big by making myself small.

PERMISSION TO FORGIVE OURSELVES
Releasing Guilt

"Learning to accept the things that we perceive as wrong can be a difficult task for many of us. Often we have been brought up to accept that it is normal to feel guilty about our actions and that by doing so we will make everything seem alright within ourselves. Even though we might feel that we have a reason to make up for the choices we have made, it is much more important for us to learn how to deal with them in a healthy and positive way, such as through forgiveness and understanding.

When we can look back at our past and really assess what has happened, we begin to realize that there are many dimensions to our actions. While feeling guilty might assuage our feelings at first, it is really only a short-term solution. It is all too ironic that being hard on ourselves is the easy way out. If we truly are able to gaze upon our lives through the lens of compassion, however, we will be able to see that there is much more to what we do and have done than we realize. Perhaps we were simply trying to protect ourselves or others and did the best we could at the time, or maybe we thought we had no other recourse and chose a solution in the heat of the moment. Once we can understand that dwelling in our negative feelings will only make us feel worse, we will come to recognize that it is really only through forgiving ourselves that we can transform our feelings and truly heal any resentment we have about our past.

Giving ourselves permission to feel at peace with our past actions is one of the most positive steps we can take toward living a life free from regrets, disappointments, and guilt. The more we are able to remind ourselves that the true path to a peaceful mind and heart is through acceptance of every part of our lives and actions, the more harmony and inner joy we will experience in all aspects of our lives."

This quote comes from my new favorite website, Daily Om.

EMOTION IS THE NEW LATTE

This third Carrie is really a piece of work, she is obsessed with chai tea, something she could barely tolerate three weeks ago, and requires three times a day now. She finally gave in and bought the supplies to make it at home, since running to the coffee house each day, thrice daily, was becoming expensive, time-consuming, and just all around ridiculous.

Yesterday, however, I was not at home when the "need" arose. I'd taken a bunch of eighth graders on a field trip and suddenly found myself with 30 minutes of time I hadn't counted on, as I was not needed to chaperone, merely drive them somewhere, wait around, and return them to school later. So, I hopped in my car, went on down the road until I found somewhere for my fix, and ordered. As I ordered I laughed to and at myself.

If I just took off the word "latte" and replaced it with "emotion," I'd be getting therapy on top of therapy! What I order is such a metaphor for my mental state!

"May I have a grande, non-fat hot, spicy emotion please?"

"I'll have a tall, extra hot, no whip emotion please?"

"Decaf, short, non-fat emotion!"

"Iced venti, extra shot emotion, please."

Hmmm... can't talk now, gotta go make my second extra-large emotion of the day, and it's only 6:30 AM.

SLEEPING LIKE/WITH A ROCK

I'm sleeping with crystals now. It's come to that. Slept with my new rose quartz last night, firmly wrapped into the palm of my right hand. My dreams were at an all-time high intensity. At one point in the night I got up, moved the crystal across the room and went back to bed. Alone. Enough is enough.

When I got up this morning I went straight to it and picked it up. It was "muggy" - a highly scientific word for clouded, heavy, not-clear. I gave it a little bath in warm water with salt, which is what I've been told you do to relieve mugginess. Now it's clear again and sitting right next to me.

I don't think I'll need to sleep with it tonight, but I did last night. Last night the cords I cut didn't feel very far away, they felt close and ready to spring right back around me out of habit, and I felt all too ready to let them.

Today I feel differently. I wouldn't call the change dramatic, I would call it subtle but present.

Subtle.

Present.

Not words I've ever used to describe myself, but the new Carrie? This third version? She wants to be those things.

Today I look for and appreciate subtlety.

Today I will be present.



If you'd like to do your own Cord Cutting Meditation, try this.

CUT, CUT

I'm probably going to have to change the name of my blog to "Partially Caffeinated." I know. I'm devastated too. It's the damndest thing, I am just NOT into coffee these days. I'm actually reconsidering my stance on tea. I know. Big. Stuff.

But even bigger than those deep blows, is the fact that ever since I went off my meds (6 weeks ago now), I am just not my old self. Best news of all? I'm not my old, old self either. I thought that if I went off I'd go right back into high anxiety mode, gun to the head, rat on a wheel, go, go, crazy go girl.

So it seems I'm a third self, and she has new ideas about my care and well being! She cries a lot. She feels things very deeply. She can't even hear the name Jenny McCarthy without tearing up in gratitude. This girl prioritizes her days differently. The To Do list is secondary, and the To Be list is a priority. This girl decided she needed just the right crystal to help with cord cutting, and she threw her schedule out the window and went in search for it.

When this girl got to the shop where she knew they sold crystals, the shop owner greeted her and said, "Carrie? You don't have an appointment, do you?" No, I assured her that this time I was visiting her store to actually shop, not to see one of her many amazing "readers" that works there.

"I need a crystal," the new girl said, "I mean I NEED a crystal."

"Well then," the shop owner said, "make your rounds!"

I found the one I needed in about 2 seconds and took it to the counter. The shop owner said, "Well, of course you needed this one. We just got it in. Today. I haven't seen one this 'robust' in a long time. It has your name all over it."

So now I am the new girl with the new crystal. Energetically I'm a bonder. Your stuff, my stuff, it's all wrapped up into one big ball of goo, and I need help in cutting that. I am being pulled and pulling, and that's just not fair to anyone. There is a practice called cord cutting, and that is pretty much what it does, separates things energetically, and puts them all back in their places with bright shiny faces. Crystals are not necessary, but they are helpful, they expedite the process. One part of old, and old, old Carrie that remains, is the love for expediency! Check, check!

So, if I have your "stuff" and you'd like it back? It's yours. I cut your story loose from mine. If you have my stuff and you'd like to dump it? Please do, and thank you for taking such good care of it in the meantime.




According to the Satya Center,
"Rose quartz projects soft, soothing vibrations that resonate with the frequency of unconditional love, stimulating the heart chakra. Rose quartz is a gently healing stone, allowing for the slow opening of the heart to love and healing. Rose quartz supports the wearer or bearer in all spiritual practices and daily activities that promote the development of compassion for all beings -- and especially for oneself. Rose quartz has often been used in the treatment of wounds to the emotional body, and especially a wounded heart, but can also be used effectively in treatment of the throat, third eye and crown chakra.

I DO NOT KEEP A CHAIR FOR IT

"There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it; I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something, as do you. It is that there can be no despair when you remember why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here."

Clarissa Pinkola Estes
American Author, Poet and Psychologist

I came late to the Clarissa party, she's been around forever, and I've only been grooving with her since last summer. She is it on a stick (another Terry Whitaker expression, along with, "Not enough has been made..." and many others that I've stolen from her outright).

I've been looking for a particular mantra, one that I can use to shut out the voices on the outside of me, that threaten to drown out my inner voice. This is it, "I do not keep a chair for it." When the noise starts to deafen I am going to acknowledge it, merely observe it, and let it go back from whence it came.

I do not need to make others wrong for me to be right.

I do not need to justify/explain/correct/set the record straight.

I do not need to keep a chair for anything I don't choose to, even if it would please others a great deal if I did.

I know why I came here, I think.

I know who I serve, pretty much.

I know who sent me here, kinda.

I will hold a chair for I Think, Pretty Much, and Kinda. I've got plans for them. I will entertain them and allow them to eat from my plate, freely, until I Think, Pretty Much and Kinda grow so big and so strong THEY entertain and feed ME.


*Photo from Monty Stabler Galleries

MORE DEEP THOUGHTS FROM THE PUZZLE TABLE

I'm not crafty.

I don't cook.

But my hands like to stay busy. So I clean, compulsively, and when I am trying to be all deep and Zen-like, I do jigsaw puzzles
while listening to the words of great music. It's my thing. If I want both my ears to fully open, my hands must be fully occupied, I've learned.

And while I work the pieces I always have a drink going, coffee in the morning, Pellegrino during the day, a Corona with lime at Beer O'Clock. And sometimes my drink just accidently sits on a piece and the glass sweats, or spills, and the piece becomes affected. It swells. It becomes waterlogged. It won't fit into the puzzle anymore. All the attention from the moisture goes to its head and it becomes so egoic it can't exist amongst the regular pieces, the "little guys."

One over-sized piece spoils the puzzle. It loses its balance. It loses its sense of proportion, of equality, of perspective.

Diversity is great, love it, but all things being equal? It's nice when things fit together. Don't you think? The force-fit? Over. Rated.

TELL ME MY WHOLE LIFE STORY, AND START AT THE BEGINNING

I know several people that lost one or more parents when they were young, and they practically make it their life's work to learn who they are. It's so impressive. Really. I think that. I think that those of us that did not lose a parent when we were young, are less inclined to do the same thing. Why is that? Are our lives any less mysterious?

I was sitting across from my cousin, Nancy, last week. She's 15 years older than me. A whole generation really. When she got married I was seven. We reminisced about her wedding, since it took place on our family-owned property, "WUG," and the meadow is forever named, "Nancy's Meadow." Without revealing just how many mind-altering substances were involved, let's just say that is not my memory of her wedding. I remember changing out of a filthy bathing suit, having my sunburned scalp brushed by my mom, and putting on my favorite dress, the one with the keyholes. That's what I remember, how funny it felt to dress up while camping. No running water, no electricity, but getting dressed up.

"I liked the post you wrote about your conversation with your mom," Nancy said, "the one where you reminded her you weren't leaving your kids with your dad, you were leaving them with YOUR husband."

When she said that I had an "aha." There was a look on her face, a tone to her voice. A knowing. Clearly she has a story about my dad, and clearly it's not great, and clearly she knows that leaving children with him was not the best move in the world.

I want to know that story. I want to know what the story of my life is, from another's perspective.

I want to know my whole life story. I just figured that out. I only know my perspective of my life. If my perspective of a wedding in 1970 is forever trapped by the memory of a seven-year-old, then certainly the memories of my father are also trapped in childhood. What happened that I don't know about? What do others know that I don't? How did those that were on the outside of our story, view it? I want that perspective. It may or may not change anything for me. But I want it.

In Nancy's family there had been a great tragedy. I knew of this great tragedy always, my mom told me. My mom had been there at the time. Nancy and her siblings were either too young or not even born yet. They grew up not knowing the details of "the great tragedy," but I did. I knew them. I was able to share what I knew with one of Nancy's sisters a year ago. I didn't even know I knew something she'd spent most of her life looking for. I had it the whole time.

I think that often there are people right in front of us that know what it is we search so hard to find. We just need to find those people and ask.

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7

I'm asking.

I'm seeking.

I'm knocking.

It's opening.

Here I go.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT, THEN THEY ATTACK

Ever try to stick the "wrong" ends of a magnet together? It can't be done.

Ever try to do that for years?

It still can't be done.

Ever get so damn tired of trying to do the impossible, you go into a full blown meltdown/breakdown/mid-life crisis?

You know there is a universal law that says, like attracts like?

Did you know that I am not stronger than a UNIVERSAL LAW?

I didn't know that.

Now I do.

If one more person marvels at my strength I will commit a homicide.

I am not strong.

I am stubborn.

I am tenacious.

I am unrelenting.

But I am not strong.

Strong people recognize impossibilities and don't kill themselves over them.

That is strong.

"TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO FORGIVE DIVINE"
Alexander Pope

That's really "it," isn't it?


Guess I'm not the only one out there working on forgiveness. A friend sent me this link it's wonderful. Try it. You'll like it. Forgiveness feels good. And don't even get me started on how good it feels to forgive yourself...

NOT ENOUGH CAN BE MADE...

If you want to know what it's like to parent a child with autism? Be married to someone that does not appreciate what it's like to be the primary parent of a child with autism, or, I know, actually BE a child with autism? Watch this movie.

In 1980 1 in 150,000 kids was diagnosed with Autism. Today it is 1 in 150. Can you say epidemic? You will be, if you are not already, affected by this.

This documentary is wonderful. It is honest. It is loving. It is hopeful. And I went through a whole box of Kleenex while watching it, and haven't stopped since.

I think I'm much further along the path than I am, then I see something like this and all the rage, resentment, slammed doors, ignorant responses to my pleas for help, all the doing it all alone, all of it, comes right back to the surface.

I am lucky. My child is a happy, highly functioning human. The world is his oyster. He is no worse for wear for what he's endured. Me? The jury is still out.

TOP 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT SPRING BREAK

10. More time to watch Rojo's games.

9. More time to hear about watching Rojo's games.

8. More time to be interviewed following Rojo's games.

7. More time to dread the watching of Rojo's games.

6. More time to hear how I could actually add coaching to my list of responsibilities while watching Rojo's games.

5. More time to hear Rojo play on his piano all the game songs.

4. Each hour of the day feels like 10, so I'm getting a full 240 hour day. Times 11.

3. More time to feel like a crazy, bat out of hell whack job after completing the watching of each of Rojo's games.

2. More places to use my Magic Eraser after Rojo writes the game schedules, with Sharpies, all over/on the house.

1. More opportunities to do my spiritual practice. And if anyone wants to tell me that being Rojo's mother isn't enough of a spiritual practice. I. Dare. You.

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

I went on a walk today with a friend that suggested I bring a flashlight with me. The amazing part is I did. Brought a flashlight. Didn't even ask the friend, "Now, why on God's green earth would I need a flashlight to go on a walk in broad
daylight?"

I trusted the friend. "Bring a flashlight," she said.

I brought a flashlight.

I trusted her.

Now, it's TOTALLY open to debate whether or not walking inside train tunnels is wise, or trusting that a person that suggests such things is well, trustworthy, but I do. I trust her.

"Forgive them, for they know not what they do," the Bible tells us Jesus said of his executors.

Forgiveness. That's even harder than trust.

If we believe that everyone is just plugging along, doing their best, regardless of what we think about that "best," it's a bit easier to forgive them, for they know not what they do.

What, then, do we do with them after we forgive them? Trust them? Sign right up for another round with them? Walk away? Keep our distance? Make them prove to us they've changed? What is the fair and kind thing to do? And to whom, is it fair and/or kind? To them? To ourselves?

In the last several days I've had several of these types of conversations. Several different theories on the matter have been shared. One theory we all seem to share is that forgiveness and trust are two really important things to have the capacity for, but really hard to have in your heart, especially towards those with whom we at one time had them, and no longer do.

Once you've forgiven a person and they "sin against you" again, or you trust someone and they behave in such a way that you lose that trust, what then?

The Buddhists say the cause of suffering is attachment, and therefore the cessation of suffering is detachment. This makes sense to me, intellectually, but emotionally? So. Hard. To. Do. Detach? I think I'd have an easier time detaching a limb from my body than my emotional attachment to people in my life.

I trust that I can do it, though, and that gives me enough light at the end of my personal, emotional tunnel, that I think I can make it from here.

SHIRT OFF HIS BACK

I've always said my son, Rojo, is the kind of person that would give you the shirt right off his back. That's true. But not today. Today he is wearing his new Allen Iverson #3 Denver Nugget t-shirt that the Easter Bunny brought him, Devohn. That's right. The Easter Bunny's name is Devohn. Has been for years. Don't ask me why. It. Just. Is.

Rojo will be 12 in July and is still as excited about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa as ever, if not more so. Yesterday I was given big instructions:

1) Call Devohn at 8:00 PM and iron out the details regarding exactly what time he'd be arriving to hide the eggs.

2) Don't forget.

3) Tell Devohn to wake up Rojo because Rojo wants to hold his hand when he comes. And take a picture of himself with Devohn.

4) Don't forget.

5) Make brownies for Devohn and don't let anyone else eat them.

6) Don't forget.

7) Make sure Devohn doesn't forget to bring Reeses's peanut butter cups. The small ones with pretty colors.

8) Don't forget. (And yes, I had forgotten, and yes, I went back to the store. Again.)


I was reminded of these instructions approximately every 2 1/2 seconds, give or take a second.

Devohn came at 1:45 AM and "tried" to wake up Rojo, but Rojo just wouldn't wake up, but Devohn held his hand anyway. We know this, because Devohn used our digital camera we left out for him, and my printer we'd set up, and he took a really cute picture of himself and printed it out. Then Devohn wrote Rojo a note about holding his hand.

That shirt's not coming off. It's got Allen on the front and Devohn picked it out for him special.

But if you really want it? I think he'd give it to you. He's just like that.


JUST LIKE THAT
Rachel Bissex

When a young woman falls
Do you pick her up
When a young man is lost
Do you show him the way
When a dreamer’s dream is gone
Do you help them see
They gotta have a dream
Help them through each day

I know some people just like that
Give the shirt right off their back
Yea, they’re just like that

When you find the girl you love
Do you steal her away
When you see the man that’s right for you
Do you marry him that day
When you have more than you need
Do you spread the rest around
Be it time, be it money, be it love

I know some people just like that
Give the shirt right off their back
Yea, they’re just like that

When you reach out the heavens open
When sun pours down upon your face
When hope speaks a door way opens
When you’re welcome into a loving place

When 50 years go by
Does it feel like two
Do you share every moment
Do you always speak the truth
When you go out to a show
Do you dress like twins
When his hand is shaking
Do you put yours in his

I know some people just like that
Give the shirt right off their back
Yea, they’re just like that
I know some people just like that
They give the shirt right off their back
Yea, they’re just like that
Yea, they’re just like that




*Photo from Costumes of Nashua.com

GOOD/DARK FRIDAY

"Mom, if today is the day people killed Jesus, why is it 'good?'" I asked about a million years ago. The question has followed me like a bad habit.

Jesus is on my list of top 10 people, dead or alive, with whom I'd like to have coffee. The more I study His life and words, the more they resonate with me, deeply. When I listen to all my "New Age" or "occult" teachers, what I experience is the universality of all the great leaders past and present. The Dalai Lama, Abraham-Hicks, Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav, etc. all say the same thing.

Differently.

The same thing.

Differently.

Isn't that GOOD? We, the humans, are all so different. Isn't it marvelous there are so many great teachers that have the power to reach our particular ways of learning and understanding?

In Sunday School I made a wall hanging that said, "God is love." It hung in our house for years. Like the question of what is good about Good Friday, that hanging haunted me. I wrestled with those three words every time I passed them.

Today I get it.

God is love.

Period.

And that is good.

That, is very, very good.

NUMEROLOGY

Didn't know one single thing about numerology until yesterday. I had a good guess it had something to do with numerals. Period. I spent an hour having someone do my chart, and wow, oh wow, what a powerful experience!

Now I only know enough to know I want to know more. You know?

I learned about karma numbers. Your karma numbers are those that help explain what it is you are here to learn in this incarnation, A.K.A. your biggest areas of challenge. If you already had these nailed, you wouldn't be here working on them. All the people that come into your life? They are here to help you learn your particular lesson. Isn't that sweet of them? So, if you're here to learn forgiveness? You'll be given a whole bunch of opportunities to practice!

My karma numbers are 2,4 and 7. Two has to do with relationships and patience. Four has to do with structure, and "staying," and seven has to do with trusting intuition, being in silence and nature. Yea. Not things I'm super great at, let's just say that. I will say this, I am getting better, especially at the silence and nature part, and trusting my intuition. Time to step up the whole patience thing with relationships. Damn. And structure? Yea. Structure is a better word than hostage in my own home, don't you think? I think so too.

Oops! Can't talk now - gotta go! I'm being given an opportunity to practice patience in my relationships with my children! I appreciate their constant help in my karmic lessons!


For more info., click here.

BELIEVING IS SEEING

"The question is not what you look at, but what you see."
Henry David Thoreau

I've been guilty with a capital G of looking at the dark side of things lately. No more. Done. Dark side? TFBS!

So, I made me a little list of people and things I knew would help pull me out of myself and back into the light. One by one I contacted all the people and made appointments with them professionally or personally, as the case may be.

Each person I contacted responded immediately and enthusiastically, and soon a week I'd been dreading was filled with things I couldn't wait to experience.

There was still one item on the list I hadn't checked off, though, "Walk a labyrinth." I just put it on the list and out to the Universe. Within 12 hours of me putting it "out there" I got an e-mail from someone I've met once. Once. She wrote, "We are going to have a labyrinth set up next week at my church, and I just thought it might be something you'd enjoy experiencing!"

Yea.

Kinda.

Like.

That.

Last night I "held space," that's her term, with an "old" friend. Technically? I've known her a little over a year. Realistically? Lifetime after lifetime. She sees me. I see her. Oh, the utter intoxication of being truly seen. There is nothing I could do or say that would shock her, nothing that would raise a judgment response. Nothing. She just sees me and "holds space" and I am profoundly affected. Immediately.

She was #1 on my "Need to See" list and that was no accident. I needed to "see" her to be seen. It can be a lonely existence when you simultaneously live in a glass house, under a microscope, with your every move noted and scrutinized, where you cannot go to the grocery store or post office without running into 5 people you know, but are not seen.

But that's not fair. Just because I "know" she sees me, how, and where do I get off saying that nobody else does? Perhaps they do see me. Clearly. Perfectly. I just do not care for what is reflected back at me? Parts of myself I would prefer not to see?

If only I could look and listen to myself with utter lack of judgment, as my friend is so skilled at doing. Perhaps I would better like what I see.

MARCH MADNESS!

It's started, the Ides of March! STM and Rojo are beside themselves over basketball, and I'm just beside myself. I'm so grumpy/irritable/irrational/reactive, I'm on my own last nerve. I can hardly stand to be around myself. So, dear readers, let me warn you:

TOP 10 WAYS TO AVOID PISSING ME OFF TODAY

10. When I start my rant, God forbid you insert a, "Well, at least..." at me!

9. Agree with everything I say.

8. Nodding is helpful.

7. When I contradict myself, IGNORE this, don't even let your face betray you!

6. Walk on eggshells.

5. Cut me a wide path and stay out of my way.

4. Don't ask, "Was going off your meds a good idea?"

3. Don't ask if I would like a drink, BRING ONE TO ME, dammit!

2. I will not be wearing make up or doing my hair today, nor getting out of my pajamas, tell me I've never been more beautiful.

1. Expect tomorrow to be very much the same. Act like this is just fine with you.

Jess, my music aficionado, turned me onto Lucy Kaplansky yesterday. No accidents. Check out her song, "The Tide." Sing it, Lucy! Just don't say, "Well, at least..."


LUCY KAPLANSKY
The Tide

There are demons in the water
There are devils in the sea
There are dangers in the current
When the tide goes out of me

I could drink you under the table
I could drink you out of town
I could drink you off the planet
Drink myself into the ground

Chorus

And I have nothing for you tonight
I have nothing for you tonight
I have nothing for you tonight
I have nothing for you

I was made to be a good girl
Carried buckets made of stone
Full of envy, full of sorrow
On a tightrope all alone

And all the time I was on fire
I burned with every stride
And now I see this anger
Is the horse I choose to ride

Now you say you want something nice from me
Well if you find it, take it, it's on me
In the meantime don't bother me
The tide has washed the nice from me

Chorus

In the nothing are the voices
And the pictures of my life
In the nothing of the sky
Is an ocean made of light

In the nothing of my silence
Is a sad-eyed little girl
On a tightrope she is singing
As she passes through this world

Chorus

TOP 10 TRICKS FOR GETTING YOUR KIDS TO TALK TO YOU

10. Be upstairs if they are downstairs. This encourages yelling - always a favorite.

9. When they say, "Can I just tell you something really quick?" Say, "ly - don't forget the ly" this is guaranteed to start a fight.

8. Go to bed before them. They always want to talk when you are asleep.

7. Ask before you leave a room, "Does anyone have anything else they want to tell me before I leave?" They will say, "No." Then, as if by magic, they will have LOTS of things to tell you when you go upstairs. (See #10)

6. Be speaking to the other one.

5. Be doing something really noisy, they LOVE to talk to you when you can't possibly hear them.

4. Try and take a bath.

3. Talk to your spouse

2. Be on the computer.

1. Be on the phone.

JUST THE TICKET

Well, you'll all be relieved to know that Obama chose me for his running mate last night, and I accepted. Michelle O'Neil is coming with. We are going to unite the party. WHEW! I also helped unite a woman with her abducted child, transformed a homeless shelter and united a writing group that had splintered. All I had to do to accomplish that one was move from one seat to another, then everyone was fine.

United. Nice word, don't you think?

Bought myself a ring. It has the six Sanskrit syllables of Om Mani Padme Hung on it. I wear it on my right hand, ring finger. I've united myself with myself. We are very happy these days.

United.

All that strife? TFBS.

United we stand, divided we fall.

THE GRACE OF PRESENCE

When I was a kid I was a loner, kept to myself, at home anyway, spent most of my time in my room, my haven. When I did emerge my mom would often say, with a smile and a warm heart, "Oh! Look who decided to grace us with her presence!" She wasn't being sarcastic, she meant it. She liked it when I was around. I didn't care so much for being around her, though, tended to drive me right up the wall, still does.

I wonder if my kids think I like having them around? I wonder if I DO like having them around? There is grace in their presence, for sure, they are two amazing, Divine and soulful humans. I love them. Period. And they drive me f'ing crazy. Always.

So, what is it about me that finds the humans I most love, so BUGGY? Is it them? Is it me? Is it "us?"

Today my mantra is, "Be present. Be full of grace."

ENERGETIC MOBILES

Did you ever notice how everything you do/think/say seems to ripple out and effect everyone around you? Even those not "around" you but "in" your life? I think it's the whole interconnectedness thing, what we do DOES impact people. And that's the good news.

A fellow writer and I were discussing the pros and cons of blogging. For me the pros far outweigh the cons. My blog is where I further develop baby ideas in my mind. It is where I throw out to the Universe what I'm struggling with, and see what the Universe brings back to me. It is where I connect with others of like and unlike minds.

But, bar none, the biggest advantage has been the deeper connections to the people already in my life, and those in my life, but only on the periphery. This blog has helped me get to know members of my own family! I am one of 28 grandchildren from Ted and Miriam. We now range in age from 62 to 17. We live all across the world and come from all walks of life. We are Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Buddhists, Christians, Atheists, and Muslims. We are many in number and vast in our beliefs, but we are one. One family.

Once a year as many of us as possible gather along a lazy river and celebrate. This is a wonderful time, but not conducive to HDRs, just too many of us in too short a period of time.

Because of this blog I have grown closer to those that I already knew, and grown to know those that I was not as close to.

One pull on the energetic mobile and all the other pieces move and reshape. Move and reshape, something inevitable anyway, but instead of being passive, blogging has helped me be deliberate.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that. Thank you, Janie, Mary Jo, Nancy and Kalei. You are the greatest blessings from this process.

WINDFALL

Eight deer came to the back yesterday. Hungry. Expectant. Confused. How could I just sit there on my side of the glass and not pop up to feed them as I always do?

How do you explain to deer that they've eaten you out of house and home? They are eating 20 pounds of food a day? You are OUT of deer food and have resorted to putting out your own human food just because you cannot stand the sad look in their eyes? Well, let's just say I tried telling them that, and they staged a protest. All eight of them collapsed their fold up legs and laid down before me and waited.

I took the hint, got car keys, shoes and coat and went in search of provisions. While returning to my car with the goods, I said to the Universe, "I need a windfall. There are lots of things I want to do that require money. Bring it." Of course you know what happened, a large gust came up blowing litter and dust from the parking lot up into a swirl and nearly hitting me in the face.

I brought the food in from the car, poured it into the pans for the deer and stopped. The noise was deafening. The two wind chimes I have hung, one in front and one in back, were ringing wildly.

No accidents.

No scarcity.

Om mani padme hung.

love.

SPINNING

I put feet into slippers, arms into sweaters and walk the dark hallway to the kitchen. Hands open drawers and find the lighter. To the alter I go, lighting the three tea lights, the one in the center of the Buddha, the two on either side. The light kicks up and shines on the mala around the Buddha's neck.

I spin the top of the prayer wheel, sending blessings and positive wishes for all beings out into the Universe. Inside the wheel is paper with the words "Om Mani Padme Hung" - six Sanskrit syllables that are nearly impossible to "explain" but are believed to purify the six negative emotions: anger, pride, greed, jealousy, desire/lust, ignorance while simultaneously evoking the six qualities of the enlightened heart: generosity, harmonious conduct, endurance, enthusiasm, concentration, and insight.

I move to the card table and look one last time at the puzzle I completed last night. I take the 500 interlocking pieces and break them apart, open the box and slide their shapes inside, closing the lid, returning box to closet, closing the closet doors and being done with that puzzle. All. Done.

Tibetan monks create what are called sand mandalas. Traditionally most sand mandalas are destroyed shortly after their completion. This is done as a metaphor of the impermanence of life. The sands are swept up and placed in an urn; to fulfill the function of healing, half is distributed to the audience at the closing ceremony, while the remainder is carried to a nearby body of water, where it is deposited. The waters then carry the healing blessing to the ocean, and from there it spreads throughout the world for planetary healing.

I am a monk when in Sisters. Solitary, cloistered, celebate, prayerful and contemplative. I will be back in Portland soon. Back. A funny word. A word associated with permanence, when in actuality, there is only impermanence.

Om mani padme hung.

TWO QUALITY CROWS

My time here in Sisters is pushing a lot of buttons for my mom. Could be the fact that energetically she is feeling how much of my writing is about her, scratch that, about my trying to differentiate from her. Could be because she did exactly what I'm doing, left her kids to find herself when I was 13, the age my daughter is now. She sees history repeating and she does not like what she sees.

So, because there are no accidents, the day I "finished" my book, she happened to be here in town, in Sisters. Can enough be made of that name, by the way? We went out to dinner. We talked. We had an HDR (heavy, deep and real) and she raised her concern for the kids.

"Mom. I've thought about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it, exhaustively. This is the best option for all of us, at this point in time. And please remember, I am not leaving my kids with Dad, I'm leaving them with MY husband. This is not your story, this is my story."

"I know, I keep trying to remember that," she confessed.

And there it is. A 77-year-old and 45-year-old realizing, and vocalizing, that they are separate. Two women, two stories, much overlap, but separate.

We enjoyed the rest of our dinner and when we were done, we split the check.

TOP 10 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A MEMOIRIST

10. You get to cry a lot.

9. You get to practice all your self-soothing techniques.

8. You get to add drama to all existing relationships.

7. You get to look at your parents through new eyes.

6. You get to take all those areas of your psyche with thick scar tissue and just RIP it all off.

5. You get to meet other AMAZING humans doing the same thing, brave and strong humans!

4. You cut through all the TFBS and find what's true.

3. You get to re-live all moments in your life, the good, bad and ugly, and see them differently.

2. You get to be "done" with some of the stories you've been told, or have told yourself.

1. You get to come through on the other end. The love period end.


I did it! I finished my book! AGAIN! Can you believe how many times I've said that and how far I still have to go before it's "done?" Well, I've written all the way up to this morning. Guess I could go do something, come back and write about that, but I'm done, I've written all the way up to right. Now.

"My editor," and not enough can be made of how much I like saying, "my editor," and I are spitting and polishing the first half and then "we" go on an agent search. I'm pretty sure the Universe will drop an agent in my lap. I'm totally ready for that, got my lap all cleared off.

In the last 3 1/2 years I've written about every single incident in my life. Guess what my final page count is for this draft? Go ahead, guess. 120 pages. Turns out an awful lot of what I wrote just didn't hold MY attention this long, so how could I expect it to hold yours? It may all get re-worked and come out eventually, hope it does, I do hate to "waste," but if it doesn't, it's OK. They say cream rises to the top and what I've got in these 120 pages is the cream.

My affirmations these days are thus:

1) The perfect agent is coming to me at the perfect time.

2) The perfect agent is bringing me the perfect publishing house.

3) I am a vibrational match for my book being published and getting into the hands of millions of women all over the world. Move over Elizabeth Gilbert, literally, just scoot, I'm willing to share the yellow couch with you. No scarcity.

TEPID TURKEY


A big thank you to all those that called, e-mailed and posted comments to let me know I was being reckless going off my meds cold turkey. Cold turkey is TFBS. I am going Tepid Turkey now. I am going, as Tracy Grammer put it, part way up the ramp again before going back down. When I heard going off Paxil was harder than going off heroin, that did it, I have never been a heroin addict, and let me just say, I for sure won't be becoming one now, BRUTAL is the only word to describe it.

So, rest assured, I'm part way up the ramp again, and will be careful and wise going down. HT (Hot Toddy - Michelle O'Neil's husband) has given me a taper off program much more wise and responsible.

The good news is, the next time my ego feels it needs extra attention, I'll just post a blog about going off my meds! BUT, my ego won't be doing that TFBS, because I am part of Oprah's on-line class with Eckhart Tolle! I studied A NEW EARTH pretty intensely last summer, but it's the kind of thing you need to keep hearing and working on. I am a big Oprah fan, and I personally think this is the greatest thing she's ever done. I love that she's making her webcasts FREE to download on I-Tunes or her website. I encourage everyone to do so.

Oprah also earned extra credit for pronouncing Oregon (Orygun) to about a billion people, when a caller from here was identified. The other area for which I am giving her a double A++ is her answer to the question, how does she reconcile her Christianity with the information in this book? That is, I think, the biggest obstacle, for people embracing this spirituality. She recommended some great books, talked about how she is a Christian, but she does not believe it is the only "way" and she doesn't believe Christ came to start Christianity. I agree 100%. I am a HUGE Jesus lover. Period. For me, the big moment in my life when I had to add paths to that path, was when I was told all the Holocaust survivors were still going to hell unless they accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Just cannot get my arms around that. Period.

And, as long as I'm talking religion, I might as well talk politics! GO, OBAMA! You in Pennsylvania, we've got 7 weeks for you to do your thing! Let's get it going! Hope. What is wrong with hope? He is the human who can bring the change our planet SO DESPERATELY needs!

love.

RE-THINKING COLD TURKEY

Guess my body figured out it wasn't getting any more of the good drugs and decided to rebel. Here are the common symptoms of Paxil withdrawal, and let's just say I've got a good 90% of them, fortunately NOT feeling depressed or panicky! So, I'll return after I am able to write cohesive sentences again!

Love, love and more love, dear readers!


- intense insomnia
- extraordinarily vivid dreams
- extreme confusion during waking hours
- intense fear of losing your sanity
-steady feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it (referred to as depersonalization at times)
-memory and concentration problems
- Panic Attacks (even if you never had one before)
- severe mood swings, esp. heightened irritability / anger.
- suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
- an unconventional dizziness/ vertigo
- the feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric one, running the length of your body
- an unsteady gait
- slurred speech
- headaches
- profuse sweating, esp. at night
- muscle cramps
- blurred vision
- breaking out in tears.
- hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells.
- decreased appetite
- nausea
- abdominal cramping, diarrhea
- loss of appetite
- chills/ hot flashes

THE MOUNTAIN(S)

I had a once-in-a-lifetime experience last night, except it's not the first time it's happened, so it's a twice-in-a-lifetime experience I share with you now.

Someone I am proud to call friend, Tracy Grammer, was here in Sisters last night. She is a rock star in her own right, and most of Sisters already knows that. On a Sunday night in winter in this sleepy little town, 200 people turned out to see her. I got to help Jess work the "merch" table, and the common thing I heard was, "What's new, because I already own everything she's done so far."

My ego got a nice stroke when she dedicated a song to me. She said, "This is for my friend, Carrie Link. When I was at Carrie's house I played this song, and a deer came to the window. The song is called, 'The Mountain.'"

I wept as she sang that beautiful song. Wept because I'm off my meds and all the tears from the last many years are now coming through, the ones I needed/wanted/glad I did at the time, blocked for so long.

When the show was over, Tracy, Jess and I got to spend a few quiet hours high in the mountains, by a fire, talking, sharing, healing together.

This morning I rose, went to that window where the deer came in June at Tracy's calling. I looked at my my mountain sisters, Faith, Hope and Charity, high and majestic, went to the CD player and loaded up "The Mountain" and put it on repeat, started the coffee, lit the candles, turned on the computer and wept again. Something from my peripheral vision caught my attention. There were the deer. The picture doesn't show them all, but there were seven. Seven, a holy number to me, sacred, significant.

Three women, sisters on the path, brought together for a night. Three sisters, majestic beings, brought together by something bigger than all of us, for all eternity.

There are no accidents.


** Please visit Michelle O'Neil's blog and see what she's doing for another sister on the path.


THE MOUNTAIN
©2000, Dave Carter/Dave Carter Music (BMI)

i was born in a forked-tongued story
raised up by merchants and drugstore liars
now i walk on the paths of glory
one foot in ice, one in fire

i see the mountain, the mountain comes to me
i see the mountain and that is all i see

some poor prophet comes, some find solace
some lay him down in a junkyard bay
some will chase us and some will call us
gone, gone, gone in a day

gone to the mountain, the mountain comes to me
i see the mountain and that is all i see

miller take me and miller grind me
scatter by bones on the wild green tide
maybe some roving bird will find me
over the water we'll ride

over the mountain, the mountain comes to me
i see the mountain and that is all i see

some build temples and some find altars
some come in tall hats and robes spun fine
some in rags, some in gemstone halters
some push the pegs back in line

i see the mountain, the mountain comes to me
i see the mountain and that is all i see
____________________
sumerian lyrics:
da-ri kur-niserin-na, pirin zalag, pirin zalag
da-ri kur-niserin-na, dili-du-a, dili-du
[endless mountain of cedar trees, forest of light, forest of light
endless mountain of cedar trees, i walk alone, i walk alone]